Birthday for daughter in law

I always give my son /daughter and son in law the same amount for their birthdays . And spend same amount on their Xmas presents. My lovely son in law lost his dad at 10 years old and his mother died just after he and my daughter married, although she did get to see her grandson fir a few months. I made his mum a promise to treat him as kindly as I could going forward as she knew she wouldn’t live much longer ....I have never renamed on the promise and I never will.

It seems unfair to treat DiL differently. If you give money, giving her less gives a message that she is of less value. How to generate resentment without even trying!

I'd assume (if it's a happy marriage) that any money given would be ultimately spend on them as a couple or things for their home? Unless of course he has some sort of expensive hobby she doesn't share in which case would probably be best to say "this is for your new mountaineering equipment" and then when it's her birthday give her a couple of quid saying "this is for your new knitting needles". Lol(?)

TerryM, You have identified exactly what I am thinking about. Last year we gave DS (our only child) a big cash gift for a big birthday. This year our DiL reaches the same age, so I think we will give her the same amount of cash. (I understand that the "received wisdom" is to: treat your DiL as you would treat a daughter.) They've been married over twenty years and DiL's parents are dead: I feel blessed to have a good relationship with DiL - and not only do we want her to have the gift, but also I want her (and GS, and DGC) to know how much she is valued.

I treat my DIL and SILs exactly as I do my 4 children. I love them like my own and , in my eyes , they are as much loved as my children .
I heard an American lady calling her DIL her " daughter - in - love " . A bit twee , I thought , but accurate in my own experience .
I do understand though , that I am very blessed by the partners my children have chosen and I am sad when I read others do not have the same relationship with their children in law .

We always give the same amount to partners. Seems fair to me.

I was trying to say we normally give gifts and vouchers. Gifts being puzzles.. board games giggle presents such as rude socks or for son grumpy shirts and Dil sleeping beauty type tops . Prior to the new baby they both did love to sleep in on the weekends
My question was more on the equality of the cash.
With gifts we haven't calculated a cost.
I suppose we were just thinking it is nice to have a bit of a buffer when there is so many things that must be paid which is why my son received cash this year.
My son is quite aware we are spending his inheritance lol. He will be paying for our place to be painted next time round as husband will be retired
We give now because in years to come and with pension .... we wont be able to

Really appreciate the varying views

My son and his partner have bought a house and live together. They plan to get married and engaged. And I have always been in a quandary about birthday money. At the moment we give my son a sum of money along with a small present. But we give his partner a smaller amount along with a present. But I think, once they are married, we will probably even things out. For Christmas we give them money between them.

I always give the same to my DIL and Son,wouldn’t dream of doing anything else as I am sure murph Son wouldn’t like it .

I'd agree with craftyone - if you want to give them a gift to help with mortgage, new baby expenses, do it at another time, and to joint account if possible. As you've already given to son this time, maybe best to give similar amount to dil (if you can afford it), but next year give smaller birthday presents so you don't build up expectations.

I'm not sure what you are asking here Terry are you concerned about the inequality or that the sum you gave your son was a one off to help with the mortgage. I would treat them both the same if you can afford it, if not whatever is possible for you.

Funny you should suggest it’s spent wisely craftyone, whenever I’ve given our daughters a largish cheque at Xmas (out of my pension lump sums, so one offs) I’ve asked them to treat themselves to something nice and not pay bills or spend it on the kids!

I remember how tight money can be in the early years when mother comes last on the list of treats!

I always give the same amount to dc and in laws. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with any inequality in birthday or Christmas gifts.

Sometimes it’s quite a lot, sometimes it’s not very much. If I’m flush I like to share it around.

However, I’m conscious that what I think is a lot is peanuts to some people.

It’s all comparative.

Still have a mortgage?

no it is not appropriate. I give any extra amount in between birthdays, I put the amount into their joint account. Birthdays are small personal gifts, like a book or a l`occitane set. Also giving large gifts on birthdays could lead to subtle expectation, particularly if there has been a pattern.

I have given large cash gifts, dates need to be noted for the 7 year rule btw. I also send a little note ie to use the cash wisely. There was no definite timing for these gifts but it is obvious that I have stopped but birthdays carry on with loving personal gifts. They are very grateful, I am very happy to have helped

When people wonder it money or voucher are a bit impersonal I always think that if a card with appreciative thoughts and love go with it, it's ideal.

I'd go ahead and give the same amount with a card which says how much you value her.

Surely it is appropriate give whatever you want to give. I don't think the monetary value of a gift has to be measured by anything other than your generosity and kind feelings.