Youngest Daughter refuses all contact

I think most people make some effort to prevent making the same mistakes their parents made, but no amount of effort will prevent them from making their own mistakes with their own children - I also think being a favorite comes with burdens, but no worse burdens than the lesser liked - Just different - My siblings and I managed to navigate that dynamic, it wasn't easy for any of us - One thing I learned from being a lesser liked was to not allow the favorite to burden me further - Although they didn't choose to be a favorite they didn't do anything as adults to change it - They relished the positions until they didnt, at which point they attempted to burden me with the responsibilities they chose to take on in an effort to maintain their pecking order - ( I hope that makes sense ! ) I'm the least liked of my siblings - And although I chose to love my children equally, the mistakes I've made as a mother, on my own, have been epic!!!

As for the change from 2017 to 2018, obviously, I don't know the reason for that any more than you do. But I'm going to guess that you may have argued for more time. If that's the case, it may be the very reason why she co you (cut you out) completely.

Kudos to dh on his newfound sobriety! And kudos to you for controlling your temper since your arrest! Also, it's lovely that you and dh are now friends. However, ydd still may not trust that you won't attack someone if provoked. As some pps have said, she may need to see that you are working on yourself. In order to heal this rift, I think you need to apologize for the violence - all of it, even smacking her and her sibs as kids (even though I know a lot of parents still do sometimes), And I agree with those who say you need to show her that you are doing something about it - anger management and counseling to deal with your abusive childhood. Then maybe, after you've been getting help for a while, she'll be willing to bring the kids around you again. I hope so. I can't promise that, of course, but, imo (in my opinion), it's your best chance. Wishing you and yours lots of luck!

LolliB, my heart goes out to you! Having suffered an abusive childhood, apparently, you then had to deal with a cheating, alcoholic husband, and now are estranged from your ydd (youngest dear daughter) and her children. Hugs!

Like pps (previous posters), I appreciate the honesty of your post. I agree with pps, also, that the violence is what has pushed ydd away. No matter if it you received a light sentence or not, when she puts this incident together with the smacks she and her siblings got as children, she is probably afraid for her own children, sorry to say. I'm sure you were way less violent with your kids than your parents were with you, but ydd probably doesn't see that or doesn't care, she may want to protect her kids from any violence, period. Either she's scared you might hit them if they misbehave or that they will witness you being violent against someone else. Maybe you wouldn't, but I imagine she's not sure (sigh), especially if you have attacked dh or others in the past (you didn't say). Continuing below...

No. The grandsons should not be subjected to this at all!!
The daughter is protecting her children from the same abuse and pain she suffered.

Could be that she wants to prevent you from messing up her children's relationship with each other by playing favorites? Like you did with your own?

Wow there is a lot to unpick there.

I often think that when there are favourites, it is the favourite that is most disadvantaged. By you being "closest" to her you will have strained her siblings relationship with her, and also possibly been disproportionately needy with her.

I'm deliberately glossing over the smacking and assault as I'm sure you'll get plenty of replies about that, so focused my reply on the bit about you saying you were closest to her - that isn't a pleasant position to put a child in. The other children get to "fly under the radar" as it were and can end up ganging up on the favourite (parents fault not theirs)

Perhaps as she herself has had more than one child, that has made her think about how you played your children off against each other by playing favourites, and thus deprived them of healthy sibling relationships

Hi I wonder, does your daughter see her father, does she k is the whole story. if you are both good friends and I am sure you are, why doesn’t he help. ?

Just reread the OP and she says she and her husband are still together. Still it would be awkward to ask him to mediate.

BradfordLass

If the OP and her husband aren't together I wouldn't advocate that. That puts him in a very awkward position. I've been in that position myself, mediating between my sister and our parents. It's not a good place to be.

OP physically assaulted her husband. Full stop. That's abusive. That's a crime. In her daughter's position I would not be allowing the children around her until she's completed anger management counselling.

If your husband is in regular touch with your daughter, can't he mediate for you?
He seems to be fairly sympathetic now he's not drinking (isn't it awful how alcohol can change a whole personality?).
I'm a bit surprised he hasn't done so before now, knowing how hurt you are.

If I were you, I'd ask him to talk to her and explain that he caused you great pain by his actions and even if she doesn't want to see you, the grandsons should be allowed to.
I assume they see Grandad?

You've paid for what you did and now deserve a second chance.

What your husband did wasn't right, but that does not give you license to put your hands on him. That's physical abuse. That's NEVER acceptable. I'd suggest getting some anger management counselling for yourself and give your daughter some time.

It sounds like a volatile marriage to say the least. You seem in denial as to how serious the situation was, it ended in a violent act. I too would not want my children to suffer that environment, it sounds as she has made a stand that for her and her family, your way will not be their way, that is a credit to her putting her family's physical and emotional well being first. You need to keep your distance and respect her boundaries, with time may come a gradual change of heart. I really think you have to acknowledge you and your husbands relationship, how it really was and the impact it had on your children and make no excuses. Sorry if I sound harsh, but I can see your daughters reasons for severing contact, you need to work on yourself and get in a good place before any reconcilliation occurs.

BlueBelle, thanks for bringing that to my attention! I read 3/4 as a fraction! As in 3/4 years ago .. Silly me ..

But .. the daughter did grow up in a dysfunctional home, so it isn't likely she made it out undamaged - That part is on target ..

It's quite possible that the daughter hasn't offered her mum an explanation, and if not mum is unable to offer a complete and meaningful apology - They need to communicate to reach an understanding - But it the daughter continues to move further and further away mum would be doing herself a favor by doing the same and concentrate on herself instead of spending time guessing -

A daughter who grew up in a dysfunctional home may want to provide better for her own and tries to but more than likely finds herself making mistakes similar to those of her mums -

I m not sure what you read Rosecarmel but the incident with the attack on the husband happened 3 or 4 years ago not 9 months and there is nothing in the original post to suggest the daughter is in a dysfunctional marriage so your post is way off the mark

Reading through your original again LolliB you don’t mention other children although you say she was your closest so presume there are others Do you have contact with them ? It sounds as if they may have had a very dysfuncial childhood with a drunken dad and a mum who hit them Sounds as if there were some rough times as they grew up, you yourself sounded as if you had a violent childhood by being beaten too, I would bet a pound to a penny that your daughter has made a sound judgement that her children are going to have none of this in their lives hence the reason you met them in 2017 chaperoned and outside the home
Your husband has made inroads to get his alcoholism sorted out Does he work? and do you ? do you drink or use anything to blot out the bad times, are you getting back together as in anothe thread you say ‘you would love a sexual relationship with your husband’

I think GG65 is right you definitely need some professional help it will mean long term work but hopefully it may help you get a happier life in the long run

One thing I don’t understand is you say I do not know why she has taken against me which makes you sound in complete denial as it’s very clear why she has chosen to remove herself from your nightmare and get on with her life giving her children the calm and stability she obviously didn’t have

The husband quit drinking 2 1/2 years ago - The wife clocked him 9 months ago - He's a dry drunk - And has yet to overcome his addiction -

I wonder if the daughter married someone similar to her father, if she possesses her mother's temper - I wonder if she sees that she chose one dysfunction over another -

I agree with BlueBelle, it seems like the attack on your husband has stirred up some memories/emotions within your daughter that she is now dealing with and which probably go back to her being “smacked” in her own childhood and the chaos that comes with being raised in a household with an alcoholic parent.

I would venture to guess that this isn’t the first time there has been violence between you and your husband. A person does not suddenly just launch an attack, that results in a criminal conviction for them, from out of nowhere. Your daughter does not understand your position because she likely sees you as the same violent woman from her childhood.

Violence is unacceptable and causes tremendous emotional damage. Violence against adults is unacceptable. Violence against children (yes, even smacking) is unacceptable.

I am sorry, this all sounds very harsh, but you have been incredibly honest and if you want to attempt to try and salvage a relationship with your daughter then you need to go to counselling to deal with the violence you were a victim of in your own childhood. You will then need to give your daughter a sincere and deep apology and show her that you are working on becoming a better person.

Violence is wrong, and a cheating husband or naughty child does not justify it. Ever.

It’s probably the fact that you hit your children when they were younger and now with you assulting your husband it’s brought it all back to her and maybe she just doesn’t want to put her kids through it in case you are still heavy handed
May I ask if you used a weapon when you assaulted your husband as if it was just a slap or punch I doubt you would have got more than a warning if it was a first time or maybe it wasn’t ?

A very honest post. The poster has smacked her kids (so have I, to my regret). She has physically hurt her husband, so would I, if my husband was planning 'dates' under my nose. I'm so glad that your husband and you have made peace. I don't understand why your daughter has taken such a harsh stance.
Same question as sodapop....is your husband your daughter's father? I'm afraid, 'daddy's little girl' comes to mind. I think her father should be the go-between and have a word with her.
When my husband (now ex) and I were going through a divorce, my poor daughter was so torn. She adored her father, and hated the fact he was having an affair and even phoned her father and the woman and issued a tirade of abuse. Anyway, they are now married and my daughter has a fairly good relationship with them.
Your daughter will come round. Wish you all the best xx

You cheated on him. He cheated on you and you assaulted him.

You both sound extremely toxic and I understand why your daughter no longer wants to have that around her or her children.
I dread to think what environment she had to grow up ina round you both.

Have you received therepy? You should leave her alone and focus on your own health and life.

Did you hurt your husband very badly? Perhaps your daughter cannot forgive you for that. Daughters do love their dads.

Not sure I fully understand, is your husband the father of your daughter LolliB ?
Is your daughter worried you may hit her or her family ?

At least you've been honest and it's not the usual one-sided story. All you can do is bide your time with your daughter and don't force the issue of friendship or she'll go further away.
Difficult and sad as the situation is, the ball is entirely in her court and she can see that her father has built bridges with you which is good and also a start.
Have you discussed these happenings with your GP ?

It seems you have some very serious things going on which may be best dealt with by a professional therapist

Hi, LolliB- The way I see it, each person involved in this matter has denied someone of something- And continues to- It's a vicious cycle- So perhaps it's time for someone involved to stop asking- For anything- In an effort break the pattern- Then maybe that individual would be at peace after they choose to no longer place themselves in a position of being denied- And by doing so no longer provide another the opportunity to deny-