My DH is turning into a little old man.

This post couldn’t have appeared at a better time for me. I am in a very similar position. I love my partner of some 35 years dearly but there are moments when just for a moment I feel resentful. Thank you to everyone for their advice.

You can join Carers support groups and they can give you excellent advice also as a bonus.you will then cope better I'm sure.

Sadly personalities change when one gets a serious illness. My BIL had Parkinsons and in the later stages developed the associated dementia. He and his wife had been married for 50 years and seemed perfectly happy. In the last year or so, when she had to take over financial matters, he found that difficult to deal with and would insist at looking at the bills and then hiding them so that she wasn't always able to pay them on time. She had been a stay at home mum and lacked confidence (to scared to learn to drive for example) but as he deteriorated she became stronger. On our occasional visits, which she looked forward to, he frequently told her to shut up during conversations and that she was thick.

My husband is 7 years younger than his brother and developed shingles earlier this year. He is in pain and the meds don't always work. I tell him that it can take a long time for the nerve endings to heal but he can't accept that. There is not a lot he can do about that as it's not a question of mind over matter. I have to confess that I'm getting a bit fed up with it - if I make suggestions I get shouted down. I also think that men make much worse patients than women.

I find it helps to write down the problems and make plans to help them.
Also I would encourage him as much as possible to be independent and maintain his balance.
See if there is a class nearby or ask for a physio referral.
Is there someone who can sit with him while you can go out ?
Ah life's challenges!

Things do look dark and scary but you do cope and it all just becomes a way of life though for the last 17 years of my marriage I didn’t feel like his wife, it was more like his mum or his carer.
He died when I was 52. Can only have widows allowance for a year ellan so I’m very worried how I’m going to cope after that finishes, not able to work because of my own disabilities now.
Best of luck Moore’s, hope you’re able to get some help as well

Spent the best part of eight years as my husband's carer until his death three years ago. It wasn't fun and I hope I never have to do anything like it again. But it wasn't all awful, and I managed. You will too.

Having a close friend in a similar situation will be a huge support.

My husband passed away last year in March: I miss him so much. He was just 60. His health had taken a major turn down in 2016. I was by no means the perfect carer and wife first as I too have my own health problems.

Even without those health problems its 7/24 and its exhausting mentally and physically.

It was hard work and exhausting. I didn't realise how much so until after he unexpectedly passed last March.

My husband had complex medical needs however it wasnt expected. We knew he wasn't going to live until a ripe old age. However no one expected it this soon.

I think alot of where you are is fear based and what I call living grief as you are preparing for a stage in your life we think will never come. You know its going to be hard.

I think it's perfectly natural to feel like this. I doubt it's your husband you feel resentful towards. We always need to attach it to someone.

It's more about being resentful at the situation and at the back of resentment is fear for what the future holds.

Get involved with your local carers group anf contact Age Concern to see what help and support they can give practically and emotionally.

Who cares for the carer? So grab any support you can

I was really interested to read this post and the replies as I am in a similar situation. About two years ago, my DH had major open heart surgery. It was touch and go at the time but he did recover. However he went from being a very active man to an old man almost (it seemed) overnight. He also shuffles when he walks (very slowly) and won't go out without me, it takes ages to get anywhere and when we do he wants to sit down immediately. It's costing a fortune in cups of tea in cafes! His brain certainly is not what it was either and he forgets things almost as soon as I tell him something. He is quite happy to sit and watch tv all day. Someone earlier said that getting old is in the mind and I do agree. He says that, at almost 80, he is old. I am 77 and feel quite young! Apart from a gammy knee!

I feel for you ….its ok for people to say you married him, take it on the chin ...but much harder in practice ! My husband (86 I am 71) was always much more active than me ...still climbing on the roof, DIY, full of life until PD, dementia and cancer struck ! Of course I said I would care for him (no help from anyone) BUT this year it became too much ...his personality changed mostly with the dementia and he became aggressive and demanding. He fell frequently at night as he refused to use the walking aids given to him by the doctor ….so since I could not lift him, I had to call the ambulance every time. He was kept in hospital the last time he fell with severely bruised ribs. The hospital, psychiatrist, and physio said he was not safe any longer to stay at home with only me (I have a lot of medical problems too ...but I don't dwell on them, whereas he was constantly calling me, sending me on errands to buy yet more cream for his head, his pain, his this that and the other, asking me to take him to the hospital, call the doctor, etc etc. Most of the time it was only attention seeking, and as soon as our lovely doctor came to visit him at home he was better *nothing wrong with him,,,just attention seeking. Often I forgot to do my insulin level check or injection because I was dealing with him. In the end, my doctor was adamant...if he stays at home YOU will die (ha ha ...just to explain, I have an odd heart complaint from which, my cardiologist informs me, 'You can drop dead at any time' …. ….but what can you do !!! SO he has had to go into a care home ...it is a lovely place with caring staff (we live inFrance) BUT it is costing me 3,500 euros a month ...and he STILL demands attention by phone, I visit every day (40km round trip) before I go I phone to see if he wants anything …..no, he says....I get there,...Oh, he says, I want some more shower gel, razor stuff, etc etc (the home provides all these things),,,,,,and the other day it was biscuits ….so off I went to the supermarket and bought all this stuff and took it straight back …………….then he has forgotten something else …….he just loves to have me running back and forth …..I often forget my own medical appts because of his demands ………………..this is NOT something I would wish on others....it is my hope that I will be fit enough to go off to Dignitas for £12,000 if I have ANYTHING left ...I would hate to be a burden on someone who would begin to resent it ………….that is MY choice ! c'est la

I am my husbands carer, well wife first, caring second. We take each day as it comes, and I feel so blessed to have him here with me, good days and bad days.

I am sorry about your husband moores but could I just ask you to think about it from his point of view? I can give you some idea how he feels. Up to 2 years ago I was reasonably fit and healthy. My husband and I enjoyed walking with the dogs, going on (shortish) walking holidays, planning trips. Then I developed permanent atrial fibrillation - which to those of you that don't know is an irregular heartbeat. Although this isn't life threatening if treated properly, it is life changing in so far as I get tired fairly quickly and am limited to what I can do every day.
My husband is marvellous, but I feel so useless and that I have spoilt our plans. I know we do less because of me and there are times I think he would be better off on his own or with someone else. It is horrible to feel a burden on someone else, no matter how much they love you.
I've never said this before to anyone except my husband, and I never shall again - but please do try to understand how your 'caree' feels, however thankful they are and appreciate what you do for them

I really feel for you and am in a similar situation. It is hard to watch your ‘big, strong’ husband start to become more dependent on you until you feel more like a carer than a wife. I too feel awful sometimes when I feel sorry for myself but it is hard to deal with this role reversal. As others have said, get out the house, do things for yourself when you can, meet friends for coffee or, as I do, volunteer for charity for a few hours a week. I work in an Oxfam shop one afternoon a week and it’s therapeutic chatting to the customers! Good luck and don’t be too hard on yourself, you’re only human but you will cope x

I forgot to mention that most conditions have charities which, not only carry out research but, also provide support. If your husband’s condition fits into this category, it is well worth exploring

I cared for my husband who had PD for many years, it just happens and, as others have said, there is no option. Most counties have a carers’ group that can give advice and support. Ask at your GP’s surgery for any support that is available. There might be respite care available for a few hours a week so that you can get out on your own,
I won’t suggest it is not hard but, you will manage.

The hard part is that you both grow older and less able. My husband needs more and more done for him, just as I become less able to do things. We are now needing help, which I am grateful to have, but a big loss of our independence.
As tuppence says, I am grateful that we can still enjoy each other's company, and reading, and television, even if confined largely to one room.

I can empathize, my DH has had deteriorating health for more than a decade. How do you cope? Well one day at a time. Making day to day life as easy as possible. Getting out by myself now and again and getting him out when he is able. I think perhaps the past problems you have had may be making you feel a tad resentful? You have been together all these years so I imagine that you will continue as a couple. So do something nice for yourself, spring is here and you may be able to enjoy the better weather, maybe meet up with a friend or a relative for a chat? Best wishes xx

If this is a long term thing, you can usually get some respite care through your GP's surgery. Ours have big notices up telling you how to access it. Perhaps your children could visit so you could go out once in a while socially just to give you a bit of a break.
It is really hard to look after the other half especially if you are finding it a bit more of a struggle. However, before you put everything down to his falls being due to his shuffling, do make sure he gets checked out to make sure he hasn't got an imbalance of chemicals with his blood. Also, the Falls Team will come and review your living circumstances to see if they can help with Physio, walking appliances, handle bars around the house, etc. They are really helpful and your GP can refer you.
There is also a host of stuff on the internet on how to set your house up to avoid falls. Once your husband gets over his fractured arm, I should think fall prevention should be a big part of your living so that you both remain independent.
In the meantime, vent on here as much as you can!

In sickness and in health?

Yes this is the scary thing, although things are alright this moment I am well aware from those around me that a spin of the wheel and everything could be wrong. I suppose it's another part of a long marriage. His arm will heal and you may find for a while things return to your "normal" if they do remember to make the most of it.

I do hope moores that your husbands arm heals soon and he can drive again, It is always a surprise to me that many elderly women did not learn to drive, Inability to drive means you are more or less confined to to the home, My mother learned to drive at the age of 58 after my dad died.

So true Urmstongran! On another thread I’ve mentioned my husband’s health problems since his 50s which pretty much came out of the blue given his dedication to keeping fit and healthy eating.

I’m very mindful of the promises we made and am grateful that only one of us has problems so we muddle along - although he finds it more difficult than I do, to accept the restrictions on our lifestyle that ill health brings.

I imagine this is tough for you. We are only human and although you love your husband I think you are feeling resentful against the cards you have been dealt. Yes, it could have gone the other way, with your husband helping you. But it didn’t and this is where you are. I can feel for you especially as you had entirely an independent social life from your husband and your wings have been truly clipped. Life isn’t fair.

I realise how, although y husband and myself are fit and healthy right now, life is a lottery and I do look at our situation and give thanks. I do realise how fortunate we are are and know that the coin can flip at any time.

Best way of putting it Craftyone.

I'm sorry that your husband has fractured his arm but of course this will heal and he will be able to drive again soon.
Regarding his shuffling gait because of the problems with his legs and the balance issue, have you heard of Nhs Balance Clinics, a sort of physiotherapy? They are in most areas and you can be referrrd by your GP.
They will help with his gait and balance which will lessen the risk of falls in the future.