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My DH is turning into a little old man.

(58 Posts)
Beechnut Wed 10-Apr-19 07:31:00

I’m going to agree with craftyone on this post. I would never have considered myself his carer. I was his wife who cared and looked after him.

craftyone Wed 10-Apr-19 06:18:17

It is all about the marriage vows. In sickness and in health. They too get anxious about being old and infirm but they bottle it up and internalise it and they change and don`t talk about it. We cope because we love them and we made that vow. We kept ours until death came and it parted us. Now that worry is gone and I go with the flow, on my own with the knowledge that I did my best and so did he

You can do it op, try not to look ahead, live in the moment

Tuppnce Wed 10-Apr-19 05:06:01

Chin up, moores you will cope and will find you have hidden reserves you can draw on. You say “little old man” and unless I have misunderstood you are talking about his physical competence rather than mental? Those on GN with husbands with forms of dementia will know that there is much worse.
“Old” is not just to do with years, but with attitude - he can still be young at heart and so can you.
I too sacrificed a lot of independence during the latter years of my OH’s life, but there are still many things to enjoy both alone or even together - maybe with help.
You have to keep strong and guard against letting resentment creep in. Could have been the other way round!

agnurse Wed 10-Apr-19 00:51:03

We usually recommend TLC for caregivers:

Training in care techniques
Leave the care situation periodically
Care for yourself

You might see if there is a caregivers' organization in your area, or if there is a day support program or respite available for him.

Deedaa Tue 09-Apr-19 22:56:01

I know just what you mean moores my husband now bears little resemblance to the man I married and it does get depressing when the "good" days seem to get fewer and fewer. It's beginning to worry me that the doctor is beginning to make sympathetic comments now. I do try to make a bit of time for myself and I know my best friend is worse off than me and we prop each other up. It's just a strain always feeling that everything is my responsibility now.

tanith Tue 09-Apr-19 22:48:24

Also speaking from experience I have to agree with EllaVannin that you’ll cope. You love him and he’s going to need you and you’ll find the strength from somewhere.
I doubted I would be strong enough to nurse my terminally ill husband but with help I managed it. I’m now 70 and alone but I’m finding a new normal and you aren’t selfish to be worried it’s only natural. I hope he improve and things won’t seem so bleak.

EllanVannin Tue 09-Apr-19 22:09:52

The straight answer is that you'll have to cope, there's no alternative. I'm speaking from experience when in the past before the age of 50 and working full time I was also looking after my terminally ill husband.
It's no picnic but you have to do it. My husband died 5 years after diagnosis and I was only 54. I was back at work a couple of weeks later after I learned that widows pension was £55 a week !

moores Tue 09-Apr-19 21:58:35

We've been married nearly 48 years. Some of the years were turbulent when the children were small. He worked in a city environment, travelled a lot and probably drank too much. As the years passed and the children grew up he was made redundant and has been at home for many years. I left retirement until quite late, in fact less than two years ago.

Over the years he had trouble with his legs and was diagnosed with a condition which has deteriorated and means he tends to shuffle rather than walk (not PD). He's also had a recent fracture of his arm and had fallen a few times before this incident because of his feet/leg condition. This last time has really changed our life style, ie obviously he can't drive until the fracture has healed. Previously we had separate social lives which suited us both but now its as though we are stuck together. Don't get me wrong, I love him dearly but now he has suddenly turned into an old man who needs my help with dressing etc because of the fracture and his balance and I'm just so worried how the future is going to pan out. How do you distance yourself, ie stop asking him how he is and let him get on with it but still preserve "me". Gosh I hope I don't sound selfish because that isn't the case at all. I just wonder how its happened that we've suddenly become old.

I suppose what I worry about most is becoming a carer. Of course I'll do it but how do you cope. Oh dear, so sorry I've rambled.