My DH is turning into a little old man.

Moores, there is not a lot I can say that others have not already covered but I didn't want to read your post and close the thread without at least adding some moral support. It sounds as though your husband has some permanent conditions and some, like his arm fracture, that are temporary inconveniences. No matter how much responsibility you take on in caring for him I would agree with others that is is important to make a little 'me time' where you do something for yourself, meet with friends, go out, join a group or have a hobby etc - anything that does not involve being a carer or being responsible for someone else. My partner has cared for me for nearly 30 years (sometimes I need more help than others) and he is 5 years younger than me - I often feel like a burden, like he'd have had a better life without me etc but he assures me that is not how he sees it. We both recognise that every now and then he needs a bit of 'time out' - he always makes sure I can manage and have anything I am likely to need before leaving me alone and it is never for that long, a couple of days has probably been the longest and that was when I was able to do the basics for myself OK. You will find a way to deal with whatever life throws at you but remember to look after yourself or you will not be in a position to look after your husband. You may be surprised at just how strong you really are. Accept help if it is available/offered. From the replies already given to your post you will see that a lot of people of Gransnet can relate to your situation, so know that online support at least is always available here and someone will understand and empathise - don't be afraid to share or ask for a bit of support when you need it. I wish you and your husband well

I too have had a taste of what you describe and it is difficult to cope with.

I hope your DH's fracture will mend, so that he will become a little more mobile again. This has happened for us and made a great difference, as we are beginning to get out and about again.

If you DH no longer is able to drive once his fracture mends, I suggest you look into other means of transport, such as an invalid scooter with three wheels or a three wheeled bike, but chose one with an electric auxillary motor. PM me if you need more details.

Is he willing to use a stick or any other aid to prevent falls in the future?

I assume you already have checked the house for rugs with turned-up edges, flexes, lintels and any other hazard he could trip over, plus handles to hold onto when getting in or out of the bath, off the toilet etc.

About adjusting your social life, that is more difficult. You can and should be able to go out to some things yourself, so you don't loose friends and outside interests. To me it sounds as if your DH can manage for himself for a couple of hours a week.

Any chance of interesting him in something you could go out to together? I'm asking because my DH spent two years sitting on his BTM watching TV, but is now that his shoulder is better beginning to take an interest in the outside world again, but it has been uphill work.

To me you do not sound selfish at all, but a concerned and loving wife, facing the problem of a husband who is maybe dwindling into invalidism. You do need and must have some time to yourself to preserve your interest in life and in the last extreme your sanity.

If you can afford it, try to get some help in the house, it will give you another person to talk to, if nothing else.

Try to invite friends in for a cuppa - I hope your DH like mine will make an effort to be sociable and feel the better for it, when someone comes.

Hope this helps. Keep your chin up! PM me if you like.

VIOLETTE My husband also had PD so I can empathise with the broken nights, demands for attention and the constant calls to the ambulance service. One of the paramedics asked for our loyalty card! lol
I wonder if you need to visit daily? He is being well cared for and maybe you should take some time for rest and 'me-time'.

yes as keffie said, it is fear, fear of the unknown and at the back of ones mind, the fear of being left alone, losing that loved one. So best to prepare for that `what if`, not in a morbid way but a bit at a time, getting the wills done, POA, the file where you keep details of bank and savings accounts, home contents lists, what has to be paid and when. If and when it happens and I know from experience, those files will be a godsend.

Oh lucky you Moore’s ...my husband had a minor stroke and I stress ‘minor’ when he was 50. He could not do his job after because of the safety aspect involved , as he was a train driver. Now my husband defined himself by his job ...so when he got over the symptoms of his illness I expected him to start working on looking for another job or re-training or something. Anything!! But no...if he couldn’t do HIS job he wasn’t doing any and he’s been sitting in his armchair for 22 years now watching tv. I had to work full time to try to cover loss of wages. He wouldn’t claim benefit. Flatly refuses to do anything to reclaim his/our normal life. I worked in retail for 20 years while he sat and watched me basically fall-apart under the load of it all. No cooked dinners waiting at home for me , no housework done, no gardening done, no nothing in the way of help. He has deteriorated to the point of behaving like he’s 95 ...we have no social life, no holidays, to look forward to. He turned in on himself totally. I don’t exist ...his kids don’t exist...and his grandchildren are a nuisance who cannot be left 10 mins in his charge.Your husband has a shuffle and a broken arm.He’ll recover from the arm ...the shuffle needs physio maybe! But I understand your concern. Your panicking. I’ve spent 22 years panicking. Last time I had to take him to hospital because of a fall ... the nurses referred to him as my father! He’s 3 years older than me. That tells you something. Look after yourself...physically and mentally. It pays off.

Contact your local Carer Service they will be able to offer you support in various ways. Carer.org is also good for advice and help. Talk to your Doctor about how you feel and take advantage of any support they offer. Mindfulness is good for staying in the present and reducing stress.

There seems to be so many in the same position as me. My dh is also house bound and very demanding with terrible health problems. He was diagnosed with asbestosis. So he has problems breathing, mainly, and arthritis which is crippling him. In act he has so many problems to deal with, too many to list. I am grieving for the life we had and get so down in my head about how life is now. I do my best for him, but he gets very aggressive that makes me feel so unhappy. He. Ertainky isn’t the man I married all those years ago. I do make sure that once he is settled in the mornings that I go out somewhere. I cannot stay indoors as he has to everyday. The future, I feel there is no future at the moment. He is an old 77 and I am a young 74.

To all the posters, what a heartwarming and moving thread. There is much sadnesss and loss, great courage, learning to find joy in small things, helpful information and above all, lots of love. Thank you all. Gransnest at its best. ?

Short of leaving him, which I would hope is out of the question, you will just have to suffer it. Your husband didn’t ask for it to happen. I’ve been caring my husband since 1983 when he was partially paralysed in a road accident, I had 3 young children at the time, he’s 72 now. It’s not pleasant but for your own sanity try to take every day as it comes. None of us knows what the future holds. Now we have to muddle through together as I’ve been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. If I didn’t take one day at a time things would look pretty bleak for the future.

It's hard I know, but you will cope, because of what you had and were and are at where you are now. As a widow I now know there is always a price for love, mine dying too young, but I wouldn't change that happiness we had when young, for the pain at the end we both had. We are all stronger than we think. So are you.

Well ageing is going to happen to all of us isn’t it? And that is what we signed up for all those years go at the altar - the “better or worse” , the “in sickness and in health”
However it doesn’t sound as if your DH has lost his mental faculties, and giving up driving is not that unusual - my OH gave up a good 6 or 7 years before he died aged just 70 as dizzy spells and paroxysmal atrial fibrillation could strike at any time and he was not prepared to risk having or causing an accident.
You will rise to it - those of us who have undertaken the care of a terminally ill or declining DH will attest to finding strengths we never knew we had. I always thought personal care would be the “deal breaker” but when it came to it - so what
Don’t despair!

AgeConcern run excellent (and very cheap) strength and balance classes. The oldest lady at the one I go to is 99! I find the classes very helpful with general fitness as well.

I do admire you all. What great caring wives. I could never have done it. No wonder he left me. He probably realised he had chosen the wrong one. He has remarried and I hate to admit it, but she is a good wife. She is 10 years younger and, recently,when my Ex fell ill, she came up trumps.
Good luck to all you lovely ladies

My friend (in a neighbouring LA) has struggled this past year after her husband's dementia diagnosis, but they are receiving excellent support, both financial and regular visits from health care workers. It seems a model of good practice, but clearly it's not across the country.

He attends a memory clinic and has been prescribed a drug which hopefully will arrest the memory loss or at least slow it down. It's normally given later, but after discussion with the specialist they decided to accept her recommendation and start the meds. earlier.

He has a support worker who calls or rings to check on his progress. She is very capable of taking care of the home and, in fact it's spotless, so they don't need that kind of help yet. She's been told there is money should she ever need a cleaner or feel she can't cope with jobs which have traditionally been done by him, e.g. cutting back the hedges.

She has a 'carer' too. A lady who rings to ask how she's feeling/coping. She's been offered aromatherapy to give her some time for herself out of the home.

Nothing can take away the pain of watching someone you love deeply being slowly taken away from you, but I'm sure it's a lot easier with support. I think the plan is to allow people to remain in their own homes longer with support and in their case it's working.

It would be nice to think others had this kind of care too.

I feel for the OP. My partner has lived full time with me since his retirement. Due to a back problem that can't be improved he has drawn more and more into himself. His mobility isn't very good but he won't even try to live a normal life. Every day and at every opportunity he talks about his condition. He has told me he won't renew his passport, won't go on any more cruises or coach trips and next year he won't be going on any holidays at all. He doesn't want to drive anywhere for a change of scenery and a cuppa somewhere.
He has made it clear that in his opinion this doesn't affect me at all.

I broke my arm and shoulder whilst out for my 10,000 steps. I was sent to the NHS balance tests and passed as normal. It was just an accident. However I decided to improve my balance by going to tai chi. It's pretty good and you soon learn to balance on one leg.

I'm a "caree" and my lovely husband has been looking after me for about 27 years after I became ill with a chronic illness. I'm 70, he's 73. He does all the shopping, cooking, cleaning (LOL his idea of cleaning isn't mine!!!) and generally helping me. Does all the driving too. And gardening.

I like for him to get out and do his own thing as much as possible. Our summer hols he races the family boat with one of our daughters and friend, and takes the grandkids sailing on it too. Goes out when he can to local music stuff (punk/rock'n'roll!).

We try to get at least one belly laugh at something silly a day. We watch a load of TV together that I'm sure neither of us would have watched back in the day. We're both hooked on Morse, Lewis, Endeavour and Vera.

I'm so grateful to my dear hubby that he is happy to share what we can together, even if it's "only" TV.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here! I think maybe that there's something you can share even if you can't do stuff together.

Being a "caree" can be difficult too. Hubby has never made me feel a burden, though obviously I am in terms of how much he has to help me with. But we rub along together, and we still have fun together.

So sorry, Moores you will somehow find the strength you need you have no alternative. Before this sort of thing happens you think, 'I'd never cope with that' but you somehow do - you keep on moving the goalposts.
If there is an organisation which deals with his condition please use them as they know all the little ins and outs that you don't and will be a great help.

Having just lost my lovely husband after nearly 67 years of happy marriage, and caring for him during the last four months of that, when he became really ill, I can understand how it feels. Looking back, he became ill long before any of us realised we just thought it was old age creeping on, and the fact that he had had a successful triple by-pass in his sixties might be having an effect on his aging, however I now know that it was a slow deterioration in both our life-styles and just one thing after the other kept rearing it's ugly head. When Parkinsons was officially diagnosed we thought we could cope with that, but the bladder cancer which was hiding behind all the other things finally took over, and made him totally reliable on me, we did have carers, but what old man who does not feel well, wants a young woman to come into their bedroom/bathroom, and wash and dress them in the most intimate of ways? He was eventually hospitalised for a couple of weeks and when it was obvious there was nothing more to be done, the NHS paid for him to go into a nursing home which was lovely, The brightest of rooms with caring staff for 3 days, the end of a life which was so full of fun, laughter and caring about the community in general. I had no words to say at his cremation, except he was kind, he was caring, and I loved him to bits.

My husband's friend had an aunt who had Alzheimers and thought it was 40 years ago. He is very annoyed with a neighbour whose wife has Alzheimers and has gone into a home. "Why?" he said, "Just because she thinks it is 40 years ago? " I was seething as I knew he must have thought that of me. He seldom visited my husband in hospital or the care home, and when he did my husband never spoke, as he had lost the ability to speak after the stroke. I told my husbands friend all about how Alzheimers really is. It is a disaster.

So sad to hear these stories. As I have mentioned in the past, my lovely husband got Alzheimers at 72. He went downhill very rapidly, and became almost blind, He was very suspicious of me, although I had always been a loving and loyal wife. He openly and loudly accused me in restaurants of poisoning the food and would not eat it. I looked after him at home until his stroke, when he spent 2 months in one hospital and a year and 3 months in another before they sent him to a home. I always visited him for 5 hours every day. He was not the man I had married, seemed to hate me. When he died and the home rang me to tell me, I cried for a while, but then felt great relief. I am lonely and any sorrow I feel is for the lovely husband I lost to Alzheimers.

It's so hard when one has health issues, my OH has MS and PMR and somedays I feel burdened with his problems. I do feel for you but I know you'll get through it. Don't give up your hobbies, make sure you make time for yourself. I think looking at the problems from the outside is so different from being the person locked in. Only recently my husband say that he did not want to be defined by his diagnosis and now he seldom mentions it, unless he has a very bad day. Enjoy the good days. all the best

yes,it's difficult.My husband was unable to walk from the age of 73,our lives changed completely,I'm 15 years younger than him.he finished up in a care home,which some people judged me for,but it wasn't my decision.We had a couple of quite nice years,I could take him out in a wheelchair,then he got lung cancer,and died last May.We have to cope,though it doesn't seem fair ,it was a struggle trying to be his carer,I feel cheated out of some nice years that we should have had together.Good luck moores,it's difficult whether you had separate social lives or did everything together.

Is he having any treatment for his leg condition? A physiotherapist might be able to help with his gait

I am in a very similar position with my DH. I hate it.

When you are married, one of you is going to end up caring for the other one...