Aggressive husband

Readymeaals, Ij don't think that was a very good answer, Telegram, she has already lost her confidence through abuse and needs answers that will help regain it not ones that put her down.

I’m holding back as my mums old and it would really hurt her and I don’t want her to know about him . A few friends have thought he’s a bit off at times but I’ve just made excuses for him
It is easy for us to say 'leave him'. I have been in a similar situation many years ago. When I told people he had left they said ''Thank goodness, we thought he would kill you one day'' and I did not think anyone noticed.
If you cannot see a way out, contact the Adult services of the Social Services. Personally I would not want to get them involved, but from what you say you need someone to help you and it might be better than going to a solicitor. If they know about your mother at risk, CAB would say the same. I think for your protection and that of your mother it might help you, and at least someone in authority knows what is going on.

Just make sure you do something about it now you are aware of the problem.
I was with an emotionally abusive partner for many years until the penny dropped, realised he was narcissistic and got out. Never regretted it.

Ok, but it's just too horrible for words. Poor Telegran

Readymeals, you obviously don’t understand the affect of abuse on women and how they lose track of the norm. His abuse probably started insidiously so Telegran didn’t realise what was happening and it built from there. After a while they are working on a different norm from the rest of the world. Where there is no actual violence, it is even harder to get your head around. I think you have to be in that situation before you can truly understand how your view is eroded. Once you are out of it, you look back and wonder how you ever got to that point. Before you leave, even when you have had that lightbulb moment, it is difficult to see how you can achieve escape which is why you need good support.

Telegran, are you serious? You have to ASK if he's being abusive? You need to have higher standards and expect more respect. No one should ever EVER tell someone else to go and commit suicide.

Telegran, good luck and please let us know how it goes.

That's good news you are going to contact Women's Aid or similar for advise. A poster has advised for you to take photos on your phone of financial documents if you think that he would notice missed paperwork.
As he never leaves you on your own, I've been trying to think of ways to get you and your cats away from him.
The best time might be when he is in the shower or bath, throw what ever you can and your cats in the car and just take off. Or, maybe in the night if you're sure he's fast asleep. The safest thing to do though, would be to contact the Police somehow and ask them to escort you from the house.
If he threatens you after you've left, ring the Police.

Thanks apple gran
You’re right I’m sure I’m trying to get my head around it will I be ok etc

Congratulations to all those here who have gotten out of abusive marriages/relationships!

Telegran, I'm glad you're taking steps to get out, too. Please don't worry too much about the house or whether or not you'll get half his pension, etc. Your safety and well-being are what matter most. Women's Aid can help you until you're on your feet. And a good solicitor can help you sort things out, financially and otherwise.Best of luk moving forward!

The police have stepped up on domestic abuse and this is the case with you husband. Suggest next time he starts shouting and being in your face call the police when you can. Or you could go ito a police station and just report him.

This is Psychological and emotional abuse. You need to see your Doctor and tell him/her about your situation. Also contact Women’s Aid for advice if you live in the Uk. Their number is tel:08082000247
Try to keep calm when your husband is angry, don’t argue with him. Try and talk to him when he is calm. If he get’s right in your face move away to another room or outside. If you have family you may be able to confide in them. If the situation gets worse can you stay with a friend or family member for a few days until you see your doctor? They may have noticed any changes in your husband. Good luck, I hope you can get the help you need soon.

For all those telling Telegran just to go, you obviously haven't been in her situation. It is much more complex than that. For a start, controlling people who see their control slipping away from them, can act very violently if they see that. It is one of the most dangerous times for a woman who has been controlled for such a long period of time. I would strongly advise you to carefully plan your escape and when the time comes, ask the police to accompany you so you are safe.
Meanwhile, you can ring Women's Aid and they will advise you of what help you can expect to receive. They will be very discrete because they are aware that you are in danger even if you have never been hit before.
At this time of the year, it might be possible for you to spring clean and sort. That way you can get your documents together, sort your clothes into a grabable pile and know where everything is you want to take with you. If you have a smart phone, you can take photo's of his financial status and send them to someone you know will keep them safe before deleting them.
If you need to call the police, you have to tell the operator and them you are in fear of being seriously hurt. That way, they should respond knowing what the situation is. Once they are there, ask them not to leave you alone with him. That way, they will be aware of how frightened you are. The courts can help you and this will help you make you case because everything is recorded. Telling you to commit suicide is rather clever, he isn't actually threatening you with violence so you may not have enough cause for an injunction but a solicitor or a refuge could advise there.
I wouldn't offer the 2 card choice to a man like this. You might trigger the violence you are afraid of.

Telegran I worry for your safety, I don’t think you should be around someone who has threatened kill you. I promise your mum will be more pleased that you’re safe!

Please take care of yourself, and see if you can get both medical and personal safety help.

I really think you’ve put up with this for too long. Please realise your worth, and move on. It’s hard, but, really, after such a length of time, he hasn’t changed, so perhaps you might xxx

Welcome and a hug! Xx

If you telephoned the police and told them he suggested you kill yourself or you felt he was going to hit you he may well be arrested held in custody for 24 hours and banned from going anywhere near you for a minimum of 30 days.
In that time you will be able to seek help and be free from this disgusting man. If he broke the ban he would be held in prison. A work colleague was married to a similar man as yours and as a result of the police action she was freed from him. She had spoken to a female police officer in the street and asked the officer advice and the policewoman replied “you don’t have to put up with that do you want us to sort it”. I hope your life changers for the better soon. Xx

I do not agree with 2 carding, this man has been like this for 18 years.

He is verbally abusive and has nearly hit her, he has hit a family member. Give him no choice as you do not know how he will react.

Leave now, go to a solicitor and get all the finances that are yours by right. I cannot believe some posters are suggesting the two card choice. This Bastard has been like this to you for 18 years. He has exhausted any chances. I don't think in his case it is dementure either as it has gone on too long.

Your chance of peace and happiness now, Grab it, you have somewhere to go.

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/police-and-the-cps/#1447870140369-4a528c84-8d2a

If you call the police and say he is abusing you and scaring you they can remove him. He might be bailed with condition of not coming near you or contacting you. Or you could use the time he is held to get the pets and your papers together and go to safety.

Is there a friend or your children or family member who can come over and help you?

Telegran oh Telegran, welcome to what’s left of my world. You’ve just described my husband , you wouldn’t believe the similarities ...I made the mistake of letting him control all the money I’d ever earn in our long marriage....so now I havent the money pot put by , to leave him. He stopped work at fifty ...I worked til I was 64...when I told him I was retiring he went berserk...called me all the lazy cows under the the sun. Then he told me I would need to pay my state pension into his account and he’d let me have £25 per week ‘ pocket money’. I screwed up my courage and told him it wasn’t gonna happen...I was keeping my pension, I was gonna save for renovating the house which he would never spend money on...and I’ve since replaced bathroom and kitchen. He then said he’d have my pension in his account now! I said you won’t. And I told him if he didn’t like the situation he could ‘ do the other thing’ ...which is something he’s told me throughout our marriage. You need courage...you have it, you just need to dig it out. Stand tall. Look him in the eye and say NO. Also as he is most definitely narcissistic, look on You Tube for a Dr. Les Carter....you will be amazed how much this man has helped me. Try it.

Have not read every post- but was he always that way, or is it recent.

Anger and lashing out could be a sign of onset dementia or Alzheimers- as has happened to a few friends and relatives recently.

Does anyone know by law you say I’m entitled to half of everything, does that go the same for his private pension ?

It depends on the agreement. If he remarries the wife will get the widow's pension.

This is very clearly a mental health issue. From what you say, you were married approximately 6 years when his behaviour changed and it’s getting worse. Men are not very good at confronting mental health problems and he very clearly needs some help. Can you see your GP for some help and maybe get a proper diagnosis and treatment for him. It sounds as though it could well be bipolar disorder and if it goes untreated it will get much worse. A clear diagnosis and treatment may save your marriage and make life better for both of you.

Text book narcissist I would say. Do google it. Researchers have identified three major types of narcissists, each with its own combination of traits.

I know a lot about it because my daughter was married to one. He did everything to her that you have described. She managed to get away with their two children. They divorced 5 years ago but he is still making her life (and mine) very difficult.

Please do consider where you want to be in this marriage. You can’t live like this forever. Personally I don’t think they get any better, well not in our experience they don’t. Just think if yourself now.

It's abuse, emotional abuse. I would with respect suggest counselling for you alone to support you. Whatever is going on, it is not okay to behave like this. Unless there is a medical explanation for his aggression.

Here's an idea! Whilst its quiet, collect up some belongings and go. If he asks what are you doing, just say, having a sort out; which is a technical term for I'm leaving you. Use bin bags not a case. You may have to systematically do this over a few days but it'll work believe me. No hardship on your mental health just being in the right mindset which makes it easier. You really have nothing to lose apart from a tyrannical bully boy. Good luck x

Please tell us why you haven’t left him? ?