Aggressive husband

You must leave this man but do not confront him as I fear for your safety. Contact women's aid and see if there us an organisation who will care for your pets temporarily. I think this may be in place for people who are hospitalised. Some sort if foster home until you find a place of your own. You will be entitled to half and some of his pension but you need advice. Just get the he'll away from him. If you have relatives who can assist, preferably ones he cannot hurt/bully, seek their help. Please come back to us when safe to do so so we know you are ok

Yes it is abuse, and yes it does include his pension!! The whole pot is added up and split between you, but make sure you do get some of that pension!!

There is some good info here - www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse/

Could the person he hit be of any help here in getting you OR him, out?

Don't forget, this is also evidence in some respect too ....

Good luck hunni, and let us know how you are getting on - I think most of us are pretty worried about you xxx

and here - www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/sorting-out-money-when-you-separate/dividing-up-money-and-belongings-when-you-separate/

Plan your escape. First check the legal side with a 30min free consultation at a solicitor. He/she will be able to advise about the pension, house, savings etc.

Have you any money of your own? ?Can you access the savings? If not can you start to syphon some off without him realising.

Find somewhere to live. If you run you must have somewhere to run to. You only get one chance when you're escaping. If you have to go back it will virtually impossible to escape a second time.

Choose an escape day and plan towards it. What can you take from the house without him noticing? I don't mean big things but can you take some crockery, cutlery, pans etc. Things you will need. I escaped with virtually nothing but it's amazing how little you actually need and the freedom is intoxicating.

Don't let him know where you have moved to; change your email address and phone number if you can. He will harass you with promises and, if that doesn't work, threats.

Don't worry about what other people think. He will do his best to blacken your name. If people believe him then they're not worth knowing anyway.

When you escape change some routines esp. if they are ones that he has imposed on you. Doesn't matter if they sound silly to other people. I started to watch the Simpsons at 6pm instead of the BBC News. Not that I didn't want to watch the news but he had insisted on the 6pm BBC News. So I watched the Simpsons and then Channel 4 News. Even now, 12 years later, I never completely fill the kettle.

Put yourself first. You are being emotionally abused. It breaks down your self esteem and makes you feel useless. You can do this. You will find strength you didn't know you had. Sometimes you will feel lonely but that's natural as you build a new life. I'll bet there are many times you feel lonely now even though you are still living with him.

If you need to, get your GP onboard. You make need meds for a while but then again you may not. Freedom may be so exhilarating that your anxiety issues fade to insignificance especially as most of them are probably caused by your husband anyway.

Thank you . Even though I’ve read a lot about narcissistic he has every trait so why am I finding it difficult to believe it ? He’s never hit me but just a few months ago hit a young family member

Apologies, I should have said that that number is the national domestic abuse number.

I am sure that you will get half of everything, including his personal pensions.
What are your animals?
I'm trying to think how you could get them and yourself out of the house, if he never leaves you alone.
I'm going to ring Women's Aid for you and get there advice on how to get out safely.
Please make sure that he can't get into Gransnet.

Telegran I help with the women's refuge near my town and the domestic abuse helpline is 0808 802 3333. When you leave you may want to get right away and they will help you do that and support you as you go through the repurcussions.
My first husband behaved as yours does both towards me and then started on the children as we had them. I was told that he was a psychopath as, when others were around, he was delightful.
My thoughts are with you and I hope you can get away soon. xx

You can't sacrifice your life for your mother's. You don't have a second one.
Seek advice as quickly as possible. Don't alert him to what you are doing as leaving a violent relationship is dangerous and you need to put your protection first.

I’m happy for you who have been in the same situation and are much happier now and in happy marriages good luck I wish you all well. For the people who ask why I’m still here and it’s easy to leave , it maybe for some people but I won’t be left alone. I can’t make an excuse I’m going see a friend because he’s told me not to trust friends and I’ve foolishly listened I’m shaking at typing this in case he wonders who I’m texting and I have severe anxiety issues so no it’s not easy . I’m doing my best what I can I have pets to think about because I wouldn’t leave them with him when I’m not here . Speak soon he’s watching me

At last, being made to feel worthless is accepted as cruelty. You are not worthless. I got rid of mine, it's been hard (I won't lie) but so much better than what I had to endure before.

Does anyone know by law you say I’m entitled to half of everything, does that go the same for his private pension ?

My father was like that - I left home when I was 21 and never saw him again but unfortunately my poor mother put up with him until he died but this was in the 1950s - thank goodness things have changed and no one has to put up with that sort of behaviour now
I was fortunate to marry a lovely man and have now been married for 58 years

1. Why ate you still there 2. It is not as hard as it seems to leave and have rest of your like for you.

Get out of there!!! Best thing I ever did.

Go to Women’s Aid once you’ve left . Most have access to a free solicitor. No matter what he says you are entitled to half of everything and the court will see that you get it. My ex threatened my life when I was ready to leave and although I escaped with the help of the police I thought he would kill me. Lots of difficulties which I won’t reveal but I am 5 years down the line, alone independent and so happy. I wish you well you can have a better life. Be careful

Thank you . It has helped me to vent off a bit . Even if it takes a while I’ve made my mind up now I just have to prepare like you say and in the meantime just try and get back as if it’s ok . I couldn’t take much at all because where I’d go to is literally a bed and nothing else but at least I won’t be on the streets .

So much more info now Telegran.

I would be sly. Get 'back to normal' with him. Meanwhile, prepare yourself for leaving. Get all your financial stuff together - insurances, house deeds (although I believe these are on the Internet now), bank account details, savings accounts, etc. (And a recording of him being aggressive is a great idea.)

Get all the help you can. Posters have mentioned 'Women's Aid', and do try to sneak out to see a solicitor. Once your decision to leave is concrete, marshall all the forces available to you.

You say that you have somewhere to go. That's a big plus. Could you get some of your clothes there in advance, so that you don't have to 'pack and go'?

Your strength and resiliance now could well be a guiding light to your children, who are having difficulties of their own.

The very best of luck to you. (You can do it!)

Thank you all for your support and good advice. Yes I do know where I could go to and there will be big trouble I know that he will loose his temper big time . He’s trying talk to me now get in my good books again but I’m staying strong. He will start on me again soon maybe tomorrow if I don’t let him see me get back to normal well normal for him that is. I will get the paperwork together as soon as I can . I did record him once it would have been great evidence aswell but I got scared in case he saw or heard it so deleted it . I will do it again though as I’m stronger now and can save it safely on my phone . Thanks everyone hope you all are enjoying this lovely weather. Xx

Oh golly, I do hope you get away safely. Once you have done so do get some proper advice as to what you are entitled to, he's just totally bullying you and will about money given the chance. My heart goes out to you. xx

Telegran
Is there a possibility that you could put your mobile on record when he goes into a rant, I know I would.
I say this because I'm sure your aware that when the proverbial hits the fan all will be denied and it's your word against his.

When you are able to see a Solicitor I am pretty sure that they will tell you that you are entitled to half the value of the house and unless he can buy you out, he will have to sell.
If you can safely ring Women's Aid, I would do and they will advise you of what you need to do.
If you can safely get copies of any financial documents or bank/savings accounts, that would be useful but first and foremost keep yourself safe as he could turn physically nasty if he had any inkling of your plan to leave.
Is there any where that you could go, if you have to move quickly?
If he threatens you at all after you have left, ring the Police immediately, they are used to dealing with situations like yours.

Yes no doubt but needs to be done can’t do anything right here so hey ho

Thanks I’m going to x

Telegran, you know what needs to be done. Don't let him know your intentions or he will try to circumvent them. Go for it!

What about the family house I won’t call it a home my home will be much better in happiness. He will stay cos it’s expensive house and he’s already told me he’s going to make it really difficult for me if I leave but I’m the meantime he’s told me he’s going treat me like Sh... in his eyes because he’s bought things for me he treats me well but I’d rather have a little house and be happy than this soulless house