Mega grumpy husband

Having a sense of humour helps in many ways. My late husband was the worlds worst at times for his moaning and grumpiness but we laughed our way through it.
I appreciate that people are different and have different views about life in general as well as being humerous with it but it does take the strain away from being stuck with an old grump. I wish he was still here, grumpy or not !
Just ride the storm.

Have you talked to your adult children about this? Perhaps they could visit more, or take you out sometimes. Contrary to the opinions of most on Gransnet, I do believe that our offspring have some duty of care towards us. I don't mean you should expect to come first with them, but they could give you a helping hand.

I really do think the answer for you is to develop your own life. Do things that bring you joy and satisfaction. You cannot change your OH, so just live your life as you wish.

I really do think that being with one partner for life is a big ask. When that idea came in people died sooner!

People move on and change, and you just need to be true to who you are and do what you need to do.

My OH has changed enormously, particularly recently, and I am currently at home with him most of the time because he is so disabled and ill and cannot be left. He has no conversation other than his sorry situation and pains etc. and, whilst I am sympathetic, I do need to break free a bit so that this does not fill my every waking moment. I do take every opportunity to pursue my own interests that bring me some fulfilment. I run a choir, which meets at my house; I do some design work on the computer; and when the carers are here, or a DD, then I get out and about, even if it is for a brief period.

You do not have to feel shackled by his choices; I am a bit shackled as he cannot be left on his own, but you are not in that situation and can get out and about. Seize that opportunity - you do not know what is around the corner!

How does anyone know what would be 'worse'? The challenge when you post is to express what you're feeling in a few words. Kiki has said she's not a native of this country, maybe she's a little stressed at expressing herself. If someone comes on here with a problem, lashing out because you yourself have a problem isn't going to help anyone. There are often kind and helpful threads that develop from a post that is a request for help, quite why Kiki has come in for wrath I really don't know.

And yes, other people may well have things worse. However, saying that doesn't improve anyone's situation. It doesn't help Kiki2 to feel any better and it doesn't make the person who is 'worse off' feel any better either. It's not a contest of who is the most miserable, almost everyone can find someone who is in a worse situation.

However we should be able to discuss all grades of problem on GN from the trivial ( my recently burnt crock pot!) to the more serious ones. Obviously compared to many of the problems faced by other people in the world a lot of our problems seem 'trivial'. However on the midst of a problem eg falling out with someone it appears serious at the time

Kiki2 most responses here have been sympathetic, so try to focus on those, not the rather unhelpful ones.

I too have arthritis in my wrists and hands but I don't use it as an excuse to be grumpy! Being grumpy doesn't make anyone happy, from what I've seen.

It seems to me that you can try and make life better for yourself, or for your Dh or for both of you. You say you've tried to speak to your Dh about his attitude and it improves for a short time. Have you approached it from the point of view of making both your lives better? Ask him if he's happy with his life or whether there are things he'd like to change for the better. Some circumstances we can't change but sometimes small tweaks can make a difference. Maybe painkillers don't help his arthritis but possibly wrist supports could - something that has helped me.

Build up your own life, too. See friends regularly, follow your own interests. If you have a joint interest, maybe that's something to do together, be it walking or stamp-collecting or like someone I know, visiting as many Wetherspoon's pubs as they can, using only their free bus passes!

Worse would be, as anja said, struggling with chronically sick husbands, violent husbands who live with Alzheimer's disease and people whose husbands have died. I think she has a point but each person's problem is huge to them at the time.

Apart from Anja , I would like to thank all you kind people who have tried to give me good advice ; I will reread each of them carefully and act on them. And I am relieved that some of you also thought Anja s response was cruel .

Worse ? Tell me please

We didn’t t get married in church so didn t say ‘ till death is do part ‘
Thank you for your honest opinion but you are not very kind nor understanding

Crossed posts

I agree ,Anja your reply was inappropriate to put it mildly. Perhaps it has struck a raw nerve with you.
Kiki can you encourage your husband to visit your GP? Try and suggest doing something nice together once a week eg theatre, cinema, meal out and develop your own interests and friends. I hope things improve for you

anja, are you in contact with the Alzheimer's Society? There is lots of help available there. (I'll go away now!)

I have no answer to the OP apart from being selfish some times. My BiL has dreadful arthritis, refuses a pain clinic appointment (cos what the hell could they do!) He is determined to do what he has always done which puts a huge burden on my sil to enable him to do so. She occasionally just opts out. She takes herself off to a spa for a couple of days, she has been birdwatching in the Shetlands and on a retreat. It helps her cope. I think you could maybe find things just for and also 'opt out'.

There are lots of good suggestions here.

If he won't talk about it or change kiki2 then it's down to you to improve your life. Are there things you are interested in outside the home, make an effort to take part. Are you able to visit your family without your husband?. I think it sounds as if your mood is quite low maybe a chat to your Dr will help. You just need to charge of your life and enjoy things without your husband.

I'm so glad my husband puts up with me.

You cannot change a man at this stage of life. It's impossible.

As a grumpy old woman who gets grumpier every day, I'd say you have to put up with it, cos there ain't nothing he can do about it. Physical pain isn't exactly cheering. Find your own happiness. You knew he was older than you when you married him.

I hope he can keep up with his bell ringing for a long time. A hobby which gets them out of the house is so good for ageing men. to him.

Beckett fair enough. If you think the best advice is ‘there, there you poor thing’ that’s fine by me.

And how does her husband feel gillybob? There are always two sides to a story.

When I read on here of grans who are, or have been, struggling with chronically sick husbands and those turned nasty and violent through dementia, then grumpy simply doesn’t cut the mustard for me. Or those who have been widowed.

I have a bloody grumpy old fellow too, in the early stages of vascular dementia. We get by as best we can and it’s mainly up to me trying to understand and help him.

Wow Anja that was a rather unpleasant. On the whole GNs are sympathetic and try to offer advice but your reply was cruel.

kiki2 I agree with gillybob try for find a hobby which you can enjoy. Can you talk to your children and let them know how you are feeling, they may have already noticed how he is treating you and could be more supportive than you think.

A difficult situation ,perhaps for both of you, made worse perhaps by having to spend more time together.
Leaving a marriage is always a big step, so why not find some hobbies or activities that takes you out of the house and away from each other to give both of you a break?
You may find yourself happier and more fulfilled as a result.
Could you afford a holiday to go back and spend some time with your family?this may also help you to put things in perspective and clarify what you really want from this relationship
Pain may be a factor in his grumpiness and only he can decide if pain relief or other treatments could reduce this. Bell ringing may aggravate his pain but it’s his choice to continue. There may also be other issues effecting his behaviour?
I wish all the best and hope that you can both have happier times

Golly, I bet you flinched OP at the first response! Men, older men, can be impossible. I've been through it, threatened to leave, dragged him to counselling and it's taken 18 months for things to improve. The denial you describe is what is called avoiding, avoiders are difficult to live with, they destroy your own belief in yourself.

Being in pain can make anyone grumpy, you really need to find a way to get him to a GP or alternative health practitioner. Or, the latter being expensive and hard to explore, you could try over the counter arthritis remedies. There was a thread on here recently, people recommended Boswelia, I take turmeric, you could go to Holland and Baratt and ask.

You do sound down and frustrated. Can you take a break by yourself? See friends or family or just take a few days away to find some space? I've found counselling helpful but that can be expensive. You might explore that avenue through your GP. It's usually CBT but mental health provision is better than it was. I got online CBT relatively quickly and the counsellor was very good.

You really do have my sympathies. 'Till death us do part' is all very well but if you simply cannot stand the other and the way he behaves, what's the point of living in deep unhappiness and ending up with a serious illness yourself?

We are all different and have different pressures throughout life and some are more resilient than others or are just able to cut off. I think the latter is a sad response but it might work. Living in a culture different to the one you grew up in brings its own pressures. The UK is not a pleasant place to live in anymore for many, especially the sensitive. Take care of yourself first.

Is it possible for you to go and visit your family without him?
Many bellringers like to visit other peals - is there somewhere near your children where you could both go and you could visit them while he dangles off the end of a bellrope?
I've found that many men aren't good at picking up hints and need to be, metaphorically, clouted round the ear to understand. However, it seems that you've tried explaining to him.
I'd see if you can find some way of visiting the people you'd like to be with whether he joins you or not. He probably won't like it much, but that might encourage him to be more understanding and at least you can get some pleasure from it.

I think you are homesick.
What about taking some time away to visit your family in their country.

It may give you some perspective on your life as it is now and how you wish it to be in the future.

I suppose the test would be if you miss your husband whilst away from home.
Or indeed if he misses you.