Mega grumpy husband

Kiki it’s hard to be in another country far from your family and be in an unhappy marriage.
My mother also from another country, was in the same situation with a much older husband, and i know how difficult it was for her. She never had the courage to leave but made a life outside the home with friends and also spent a lot of time with us. They lived in the same small house leading separate lives until he died.
I hope you have good friends and loving support from your children. Sending my best wishes.

This is why I avoided hooking up with older men after I was widowed, the lovely man I have now is 10 years younger than me but his health is much worse, I would never keave him but I do worry

Did someone mention venom somewhere on this thread?!

Let it all out. You'll feel better for it.

Very unkind to deduce from little evidence that OP is not a bundle of laughs. Does anyone think even if she dressed as a clown and told jokes all day things would improve? And selectively bring up broken marriage vows, well what about pulling up the husband for not living and cherishing his wife. Why say it is her to blame, what a lot of nasty blaming f3im some posters. And competitive misery, it can't be so bad cos poster so and sos husband is iller, so and sis husband has worse dementia. I think that there are people in the world who probably have it worse than any if those quoted posters who live in countries where food and medical care is scarce and still have to scrape a living together because there is no pension, no sociàl security, natural disasters have swept away their homes. Honestly think before you post. I've just looked up bellringing injuries sorry can't link on my phone, but they include degloved fingers, being scalped and death. Using your logic OP should tell her husband he's lucky he's only got arthritis. I get being grumpy from pain, but there are lots of things that medics can do, painkillers and antiinflamatories are the obvious thing you think of, might physio help, would a support help, and there might be other things that could help, if he wants to continue ringing he would be wise to seek help to enable him to do so. I've had all of those for various joints over the years and I've been able to continue doing things I thought I'd have to give up because if how painful things were.
OP why not try and find out what would happen if you did decide to go for divorce. Finding out doesn't mean you have to decide to do it. Is also suggest trying to find a counsellor who would listen to you and help you find work out what is happening, and what would you really like to do, locally you can self refer to the wellbeing service, if that's not the same in your are try the docs. And I'd go to the doc too, maybe a course if antidepressants might help lift your mood so you can start to think more clearly. And do you have any good friends who will listen to you and not criticise you and give you the space to talk things through. Being depressed doesn't mean you are not a bundle of laughs, some people who are depressed can be quite cheerful , and jokers.

I see nothing that suggested OP is not a bundle.of laughs, and it is not kind to assume that she is.S QQ

Counsellors do not lead or advise clients, they listen. They also do not criticise partners of clients, or muse on motives. It is rather odd when someone posts asking for help to address one's mind to others mentioned in the post about whom one can know little and who have not asked for help.

Similarly, accusing someone of perhaps having a chip on their shoulder is an insensitive put down and rude to boot. Those preaching honesty might well think about stones and glasshouses and face to face communication as others have said. I am quite shocked by how careless some of these posts are.

We can never really know the whole picture when we read posts on here. We all respond in different ways. Our own pasts, and presents, must colour our replies. But I think it is all honestly and genuinely meant.

I'm glad you got over the bullying poppyred. The school life you describe must have been hard for you.

The other party puts his wife down, doesn’t show her any respect and makes her life a misery and is unwilling to compromise - very selfish behaviour that’s not worthy of kindness and understanding in my opinion.
Yes I was bullied in a school setting many times as my parents moved every few years with my fathers job, so I was always the new kid on the block. I don’t have a chip on my shoulder, I got over it a long time ago but it’s something you never forget. Thank you for the flowers, a very kind gesture Gonegirl.

But what about, in this instance, kindness and understanding towards the other party?

Did you have a problem with school bullies when you were young poppyred? Has it given you some sort of chip on your shoulder? If so, you have my complete sympathy.

Your wasting your time Oldwoman70, some on here don’t get kindness and understanding, very sad really, but as I’ve said before they all stick up for each other as if butter wouldn’t melt in their mouths. There is a big difference between plain speaking and spitefulness.
They remind me of school bullies - who me? Never!

Hi Kiki2 it can be really demoralizing living with someone who is constantly grumpy (for whatever reason).
As you are now retired hopefully you will be able to pursue some interests & hobbies of your own. This will mean you spend less time together & have more positive topics for conversation when you do spend time together.
As previous posters have suggested would it be possible to arrange a visit to your home country to give you something to look forward to?
There is some really helpful advice on this thread, even if some of it has been delivered in a somewhat less than helpful manner (just my opinion).
I do hope things improve for you.

OldWoman, a counsellor doesn't use abrupt language because a counsellor tries to lead, not dictate to, the 'client'

Regarding Anja's post, what would you have to go forward with your life--- reality or soft words?

When I went for counselling I sought the reality of my own and others' perceptions . Reality might hurt but it's the only secure foundation.

And yet oldwoman you think it is acceptable to throw out accusations of unkindness or worse on matters of opinion?

To be absolutely honest Oldwoman70, I think I probably would.

I very much doubt a counsellor would use such abrupt language.

Of course many GNs have had to cope with difficult situations (I myself nursed my late husband through six months of painful, debilitating and unsuccessful cancer treatment), however, I don't feel that gives me carte blanche to make unpleasant comments to someone who reaches out for help.

In some ways I can understand why he is grumpy - arthritis can be very painful at times. As for the bellringing - it's a hobby that seems to take over some people's lives, or maybe it's a bloke thing , that they go off doing what they want to do , be it bell ringing, football, golf etc and I suppose it is us women, that through the generations have allowed them to do it while we are left at home , looking after the children !
When he goes bell ringing, if it is to a different place, why not see if he will take you with him? One way of seeing a different part of the world and even small villages have a cafe or pub that you can go to once you have had a wander around. Or ask him to drop and pick you up ( if not easily accessible by public transport) at the nearest town.
What about the other wives ( there must be some) howabout you all get together when husbands are away and either go shopping, visiting new places or even just round each others houses.
Whatever, don't rely on your husband for everything in your life that you seem to be doing - once you spend time apart, it won't seem so bad if he's grumpy when you have something of your own to look forward to !

* Oldwoman*, you are taking bits of sentences out of context and yes, a counsellor might well tell a person to seriously consider either leaving to find another partner ( and it was OP who mentioned age was an issue) or suggest that nagging is not the way forward.
Many alternative suggestions were offered and I think it is disingenuous to pick out bits of sentences and present them in isolation.
Quite honestly whenI read of how ( among other members) * annsixty* coped over the last years of her DH’s dementia, or * Luckygirl* is struggling at home with a DH with PD, a broken femur, incontinence, and psychotic episodes, another member is nursing her terminally ill daughter and caring for her grandchildren and so many other sad circumstances among our members, “Grumpy” does not sound like an indictable offence and * Anja* made a very valid point about marriage vows.
We all age, and if there is a considerable age difference, it stands to reason that one will show symptoms of ageing earlier than the other. Chronic pain can make a person extremely stressed and “ grumpy” is an unsurprising consequence
We are not hearing about coercive control, physical or verbal cruelty. Counselling would be an obvious course of action if OP wishes to save the relationship, but there has been no lack of practical and helpful advice on the thread.

I meant to say would you tell a stranger face to face.

Would someone tell someone face to face that they are "not a bundle of laughs" to either "stop nagging or get out of the marriage and find someone younger". That is not "helpful advice". Many other posters have given true helpful advice without resorting to unpleasantness.

Perhaps LaraHQ could tell us what she thinks is wrong with that advice?

Could you define what you are referring to (and taking issue with) re “helpful advice” please oldwoman ?
Because frankly I am unclear as to what the fuss (aggro?) is about.

There appear to be a few really unpleasant people on GN these days. I wonder if their "helpful advice" would be given face to face in real life

Quite gonegirl.