Beside myself with anger

Her not HRT Forgot to check spellchecker! Doh

Your partner is enabling her! He is part of the problem. He has to learn to say no. They can only come between you if you let them. I don't know what the answer is as you arent going to leave him however I hope my post helps.

I can only offer that above that he is a part of this too as he doesnt say no. He will get resistance from HRT if he does this, probably emotional threats tol to try and get him to give in.

You need to communicate with strategies for when she asks again explaining rather than arguing why you are now saying enough is enough.

He is actually not helping her be responsible. I speak of this from both side of the fence. My late mom enabled me and I knew it and how to get her to help me. It didnt teach me responsibility and it wasnt good for me.

I carried this on with my 3rd child who has had more difficulties in life than my others. I was suddenly bought up sharp that I was repeating the pattern and had to break it.

I identify from both sides. I hope this helps you step out and into the third person so you can check out what going on here.

@Bbbface why not? If you and she agree that you should prioritise her why would you not expect the same in return.

Presumably, your daughter is a functioning adult with a life of her own. She will have chosen to either get married or move out of your house or both of the above. She chose to leave. Unless you are completely free of her father, any current partner she should not be your priority.

By putting your daughter first you are encouraging the view that DM/DGM should being doing everything for daughter and any grandchildren while expecting nothing i return

@westerlywind

I very much hope my daughter doesn’t prioritise me over her partner!

It might be that he enjoys being able to do it for her? My DH has a hobby which IMO is a TOTAL waste of money, but it comes out of his spending acount not our joint money so it doesnt anger me. I have my own frivolous spends that I dont have to justify to anyone

If we hadnt agreed how we divided our money, and he was spending money on that "hobby" out of our joint bills or joint savings accounts, I would be FURIOUS.

See the difference?

Wills, you can leave your money to whoever you want, the exception is you cannot leave your spouse without support.
Children are often excluded for all sorts of reasons, they can of course appeal to a court, some get an award if they have been unreasonably excluded but challenging a Will is very expensive.

Bbbface - does your daughter prioritise you over her partner?
Just a point worth thinking about

You seem to want to punish the daughter but she is not the one you are in a relationship with.

If you have a problem with how your partner manages his money, your problem is with him

You cannot address this properly until you let go of the rage you have directed at the daughter.

3 options:

End the relationship if you cant find a middle ground re financial planning

Put your rage towards the DD aside and work out a financial plan for your relationship that suits you both. It may be that he wants some money that is "his" to waste how he pleases, which is okay so long as you have some that is yours to waste (or not) plus joint money for your joint goals

Continue blaming the DD for your relationship problems. This wont fix the relationship problems you have (miss matched financial planning is a relationship problem). This will either end your relationship, or there will be painful "will" mess after thr death of your partner, and you might be the one "punished"

This is your partner’s daughter you are talking about and referring to as “cunning”.

Did you ever have a positive relationship with her or has she always “ruined your happiness”.

My daughter would always, ALWAYS, take priority over a partner.

I am the female version of your husband. I used to pay all sorts for my DC and DGC. I also babysat/childminded at extremely weird hours. I even did general house cleaning, decorating and gardening for the DC.
One day I saw the light, granted it took years, about 25 years and now they don't get anything. Nothing at all. I am more content because I don't get the verbal abuse now that I don't keep company with such nasty people.
I hope your husband sees the light soon.

Difficult for you but assuming it is his money not your he is using. Nothing you can do if he keeps allowing himself to be used. Don’t try playing the will card it just causes bitterness in my experience

This is fairly normal, children exploiting a parent for money especially when they have a new partner.
You should not be angry yourself and don’t take sides between daughter and son, just content yourself with having a good relationship with him. Remember it’s his daughter and his money not really your place to even comment, other than to sympathise.

If you have enough money of you own, great, but do consider what might happen if he were to die and make sure your security is protected as far as you can

Don't think he can leave daughter out of Will. She may not be entitled to any property he may bequeath to another but his moveable estate eg money, jewellery, works of art she will be entitled to a share. Check it out with Citizens Advice or other such agencies.

I can fully understand your anger :- similar thing happened to an uncle of mine - although it was his wife that was handing money over to her daughter, including paying off their daughter's car loan with my uncle's pension from his employers ! (He was unaware as my aunt used to deal with the financial side)
They also used to help out their son with groceries and so on as he had a young family and health problems.
Unfortunately my uncle also ended up paying off a house deposit that was "lost" when the seller did a midnight flit and it was found that the house actually belonged to her ex partner and not her! Plus selling the family home to her at a reduced price that she was supposed to pay back but sold 12 months later at a vastly inflated price - he had payments for the time that she owned the house, but they stopped once the house was sold! Unfortunately, he died unexpectedly before he could change his will. So your partner not the only one to be sucked in by family!
I'd suggest you keep mum - as someone else said, as long as it isn't your money, you really can't say a lot as I doubt if your partner will ever be able to resist a sob story and any criticism of his daughter may irrevocably spoil your relationship

I agree with Gonegirl. My mother was always helpful if my sister or I had any financial difficulties and I am pretty sure that she didn't tell my father.
If she has two children and has to live with her mother, it does not sound as if she is living the high life so much as finding money tight and needs a bit of help occasionally. I don't think that is unusual for people who live from pay cheque to pay cheque.
It was a mistake to be a guarantor as that took away any control that he had but that is done now.
What is annoying is that now she won't take any money from us when she needs it.
That is his relationship with his daughter and, harsh though it sounds, is not really anything to do with you unless it is really affecting your standard of living. She is not coming between you. You just has a relationship with her father which is independent of you.
Hopefully he hasn't guaranteed their mortgage.

Now they have bought a house will she continue to ask for money or wil this have brought it to a halt, do you think?

I hope he hasn’t guaranteed the mortgage!

As long as it is your partner's money that is being spent, not yours, you really do not have any right to object. You would be unwise to demand how he apportions that money in his will; should he follow your demands, his daughter would be in a strong position to challenge it.

You do need to safe guard your own position in the relationship; is there any reason why you are not married? Is it this which is fuelling your discontent?

oh gosh, and you have put up with this, for 18 years. now it`s boiling over and making you angry? not the person you know you are?

yes, time to look after your own interests, might sound and feel mercenary,, but that is what I would do..
wishing you a calm Monday morning, and good strategy.

I would keep quiet if I were you. It’s not a good situation for anyone involved and I think you should stand back and let your partner deal with it his own way.
Don’t let it spoil your relationship. His daughter is his business, let it be.

Fathers love their daughters. You can't change that, neither should you. It's his money. Entirely up to him. You have to "suck it up". You can't fight the laws of nature.

Sorry I can't give you any comforting words. You could, perhaps find comfort in the fact that you have him and, presumably, his love.

I agree with sodapop s post Your anger is perhaps partially misplaced and if your partner feels he wants to carry on helping his first family or if he is too weak to say no then there is nothing you can do about it and you are just churning yourself up into a rage you can do little about
However having said that I can definitely understand why you are angry but only he can change the situation I too think a break away, a bit of space might well be helpful to help you simmer down Finally there’s nothing you can do about his will that’s between him and his conscience and it sounds as if there might not be much left by the time the daughter has finished with him

I am wondering if you could find a way of getting away on your own for a few days and giving yourself a chance to simmer down from this wholly unpleasant anger that is eating you up. It is sometimes very hard to think straight when your mind is overwhelmed with a strong emotion.

Your partner's daughter is a grown adult and should be taking responsibility for her own life and finances.

It does however sound as though she has led a bit of an unsettled life and maybe your partner feels a sense of guilt about the role his broken marriage played in this. When someone is behaving in a way that we find unacceptable it sometimes helps to try and look at what might be motivating this.

You cannot influence his decisions as to how he distributes his money, or indeed how he uses it during life. But you can talk to him about protecting your interests. At the moment I do not think you will be able to do this calmly and rationally because you are understandably feeling angry.

I do think it would help you to walk away for a bit - have a little break somewhere sunny; and maybe also find an objective third party to discuss this with - maybe even a counsellor. Not that you have a mental health problem, but simply because a counsellor's role is to listen and be objective.

Good luck with all this.

Although it annoys you, it’s his money and his daughter. If he splurges it bailing out his daughter, thereby impacting on the amount he could leave to be shared 3 ways in his will, it’s still his business.

Sorry to sound harsh.

Stop and think why you are angry rossie is it directed at the daughter or your partner. Are your concerns for the son or for your own future? Try to separate these things or you will wear yourself out and be very unhappy. You cannot tell your partner how to divide his estste, you can make a suggestion then leave it at that. You do need to ensure your own interests are protected and that he is not using your money to help his daughter.

yes I agree Iam64. and from December 31st this year heterosexual couples can have a civil partnership which gives legal status and protections to cohabitees who for some reason or another do not wish to be married. In the meantime I'm afraid it is time to make sure a clear Will is in place. These things often bring questions to the fore that have been shoved under the carpet to do with his previous marriage. He wants to seem good and a reliable father to his daughter and she may be exploiting that. I think counselling would be a good idea too - but you can't make people do that. Marriage breakup, especially when children are involved, is a big event and often causes collateral damage way down the line. Unless both sides happily move on to new lives with possibly new partners, but if that is one-sided then the resentment and guilt can live on. Try not to feel angry about it. Don't pick up that bag, leave it to your partner.