The Second DIL (and Third, Etc.)

Ditzy, click on Acronyms, above, and you'll find a list of many of the acronyms and abbreviations.

Sunny, are you talking about if, say, the XDIL is the mother of one's GC? Or about if say, one has GC with the new DIL?

What if one has GC with both?

"You simply cannot cut people off, or out of your life just because your son or daughter has decided their partner is no longer part of theirs."

IMO, Bradsford, this is the aspect of divorce that many people fail to anticipate, the fact that they no longer care for someone doesn't mean other relatives feelings have changed.

"I don't think anyone has the right (not even a son) to tell a Mom whom to like and associate with and this includes his ex if she and Mom were close."

I don't either. But I can understand an AC objecting if XDIL/XSIL cheated on them/broke their heart.

Starlady I don't think anyone has the right (not even a son) to tell a Mom whom to like and associate with and this includes his ex if she and Mom were close.

You simply cannot cut people off, or out of your life just because your son or daughter has decided their partner is no longer part of theirs.

Even if the son has several partners and they all get on with his Mom, I don't see any reason why they should not be friendly. Just don't have them all in the same room!

And emotional blackmail such as 'you should be loyal to me, your son' deserves a quick slap round the ears.

Pretty soon we're going to need a codebreaker to decipher all these silly abbreviations.

Surely it’s dependent on whether there are Grandchildren. Can be difficult if they are included , this must be guided by the son or daughter concerned.

Had a similar situation with our son terry, he was with the same girl for years, they were both very young, she was only 16, when they got together, and she was completely absorbed into our family, we all loved her, and assumed they would eventually get married, she was a bit on the conventional side.

Then one day my son announced it was all over, no reasons or explanations, never saw her again, which was really sad, like losing a daughter!

I think the point is, we all loved her, but she never made contact with any of us again, I’m sure she had her reasons, but we were really sad about it.

My son had two long term relationships prior to his wife (she was his first long term relationship years earlier)
When his now wife and he spilt up about 12 years ago I was devastated. We had thought she would be his wife and we found it difficult to connect with subsequent girlfriends
The other two long term girls I became close to one and their split up was quite acrimonious, the 2nd one I didn't become close to and again the split was acrimonious (definitely my son's fault)
Then my now daughter in law came back on the scene
Regardless of what happens with them , hopefully happy long marriage , she is the mother of my grandchild and I will always (hopefully) be pleasant with her
On a slightly side note my first mother in law had 5 husbands I came along when she was on her third and he would have been the only one my son would have could grandpa however he died
1st husband divorced
2nd husband divorced
3rd husband died
4th husband divorced
5th husband divorced

Depends whose expectations you're thinking about. The son probably prefers the mother to like the current DIL best. But in fact what usually happens is the women decide for themselves who they get on with best.

Yes thats true. Some people are very close to their own families and dont really see inlaws as family no matter how well they get on.

I am of the view that family is more nurture than nature, and as such am closer to some in laws than I am to some of my own family!

Its okay to naturally hit it off with some more than others but there is no need really for it to be blatent!

I think its fine there are people in my family that have stayed close to ex in laws despite later marraiges, and I have a few rellies that arent rellies at all, they are either ex relations in laws or sort of blended family connections...

Its fine but never compare. A new DIL wont want to hear all about the BEAUTIFUL card your ex DIL sent, no matter how mature and tolerant thr new DIL is! Keep your attention firmly on the one you are spending time with and it shouldnt cause problems

If she throws a fit because you are still talking to him, the problem is with her.

Saggi

As long as you don't try to bring her into it, I can't see that she would have a problem with it. She's not a gatekeeper for your relationships. She doesn't really even need to know that you have an ongoing relationship with him.

My daughter and her husband are soon to part after 11 years and two kids. I’m very upset as I love my SIL and promised his mum ( just before she died) that I would love him and try to treat him as my own...which I do. I want to stay in touch and friends with him, not sure how my daughter will react. Hopefully in a positive way as she will want the best for the kids , and I believe keeping friendly with the ‘ex’ is the best way to show that we are all still s family

I never had a Mil but am to my SiL. When they started dating I didn't like him since I knew he has a volatile temper. However they have been married for nearly 19 years and he's proven to be a fantastic husband and father. As a SiL, he's thoughtful and generous so I'd like to think we'd remain on good terms if anything split them.
I think it would be incredibly difficult for a SiL or DiL once a separation/divorce takes place, to suddenly lose a part of their family
I can't see anything wrong with a Mil keeping in contact with the ex if they've had a close friendship. After all, it's the son or daughter who separated, not the parents. Obviously the relationship changes but shouldn't mean ending all contact.
As has already been stated, each situation is unique and can't be jumbled together in a box.

My mil doesn't have a good word to say about her other son's first wife. Of course she's nice as pie to her face!!

I know where I'll stand if dh and I ever split up!!

It’s not easy being a MIL and there are some arrogant posts on Mumsnet from young wives who have no idea. They post so knowledgeably about the dynamics, when they have never been a MIl themselves.
As a MIL you are in a cleft stick really, especially if some of the bunch of inherited in-laws are insecure and have lack of self esteem themselves.
It’s horrible to have to creep about disguising your relationships because of others....but there is no choice as if you have a large brood of in-laws, that you want to get on with, it has to be done.
When my brood were young, home came various-males and females.....we were expected to make them welcome...then if they disappeared and they MUST not be mentioned again. Bad luck if you grew to love them. Lol

One elderly MiL said 'You'll always be the mother of my grandchildren and part of my family'

I have 2 DiLs- very different characters but I get on fine with them both. Easier with one as I have known her since she was 16 but the other is lovely too
You do have to work at it as they have their own Mums but I get on well with them too - which helps.
It's the same with any relationship- you have to compromise & accept differences. You can't like anyone all of the time but as long as you know when to button it & when to be supportive it is not so difficult.
I must say though that both my DiLs are really nice people & great mothers. I know I am very lucky. It also means we get to see the children a lot & they come to stay very often.
Win/win situation.

Interesting responses, everyone! And a lot of good points, IMO!

Paddyann, sorry about your first, personable SIL turning out to be a cheat. Hopefully the "arrogant wee sod" is more faithful!

Wobbles, I think it's lovely that you sympathize with your MIL and have a sense of humor about her reaction to you. I wonder though if she really was "not overly impressed" or just not ready and willing to embrace another DIL. Regardless, I'm certain you turned out to be the right one for your DH!

Alima and Sara, if the first DIL or SIL is difficult in any way, I think there's a tendency to hope that the second DIL or SIL will be a wonderful improvement. And, no doubt, sometimes they are, but not always. Some people, Iv noticed, just seem to like a difficult type or a type whose personality just doesn't mesh w/ those of their parents.

Coconut,, glad all worked out so well!

Jaycee5, I get your points, but it's not clear who you're referring to.

Personally, I agree w/ those posters who say that there's a difference between having a favorite DIL/SIL and showing it. And that it's important to be polite and courteous to each one, even if you secretly preferred another.

ReadyMeals, I think you may be right about the difference between DS' POV and what the women actually feel.

Depends whose expectations you're thinking about. The son probably prefers the mother to like the current DIL best. But in fact what usually happens is the women decide for themselves who they get on with best.

I have two d.i.ls, who on the surface get along well with each other - but one of them who exudes sweetness and light, is not all what she seems to be. There are little things I am picking up on.....it's a work in progress and one day I will find out who she really is.......though I will have to carry on as normal, for sake of family .

Your daughter in law knows that you prefer the previous daughter in law to her. I am not really sure how you expect her to feel about this. How does she know that you prefer the previous one? Most people will favour one person over another, even among their own children, but I don't understand why they think that it is ok to show it and why they justify it. Unless you live with them, why would she know when you speak the XDIL or meet her or whatever unless you tell her and what would be your motives for doing that? I find it much easier to see things from DIL's point of view than from yours frankly.

I think it can be important to stay friends with a former DIL, if she has any kind of primary custody of grandchildren. It often depends on the reasons for the split, and the characters of those involved.

My father's only brother was married 3 times. My parents were close to his 1st wife, and they did get to know the last one, but the 2nd wife they never really knew well. I don't even know all their names.

Someone can make one mistake, but if your adult child is engaged in a life of serial monogamy, there is a limit to how much adjustment they can expect of everyone else.

My BIL was divorced years ago, and married again. My son and I have only known the second wife. If my BIL got divorced again and wanted to marry a third time, I wouldn't be teaching my son to call the next one "auntie". You can't force people to replace other people in their lives.

Be polite and courteous to whatever partners you are introduced to, but you don't have to feel the same about all of them.

A difficult one which cannot be generalised as every scenario is of course different. I loved my ex DIL as my own and when she split with DS I was distraught. My GC became low down on her list of priorities, her new social life became more important. DS and I babysat all the time for the sake of my 2GD’s. Fast forward a few years, all are now settled with new families and my new DIL is so lovely and just accepts that I maintain contact with no:1 as she is the mother of my 2GD’s. All is harmonious but of course I accept that others are not quite so lucky.

You are right to be wary Alina
We were so relieved when one of our daughters left her vile partner, he was a work shy liar, a bully, a drinker, I could go on
We said, at least there’s only one way to go, no one could be worse!
We were wrong!

Not having sons I cannot understand why so many MiLs find DiLs so difficult. We have the reverse situation. A DDs soon-to-be ex partner who we have tried to like for the last 11 years. He is the most selfish person I have ever had to associate with. DD obviously saw him differently at first. She has started dating a new partner now and wants us to meet him. We don’t feel ready to meet anyone new, what if he is an awful knob like the last one?

I felt sorry for my MIL. I was the 3rd DIL that her DS provided her with.

She had close relationship with no.1 which only ended when she died.
No.2 she tolerated due to the only GC.
Then me, she was friendly but not overly impressed.