Broaching the subject of scattering ashes

I'm sorry you have had such sad times Twinlolly You must be so unhappy and worn down by it all. Don't consider reducing your meds just yet, wait until you feel more accepting of the situation. I think perhaps you are making the scattering of the ashes too much of a focus for your grief. Have you thought of different ways to get closure for this. Maybe a memorial service for your loved ones or some other sort of remembrance if you are not religious.

I think you need to put it in writing and tell them how much you appreciate all they've done but the delay is making you ill.
You understand there has to be a right time but the longer this goes on, the worse you feel.

Tell them you need to feel peace about where Mum and Sister are laid to rest, that you need to feel they have been freed - so you can be too.
So can they please give you a definite date to go to SA and attend the ceremonies.

I hope they listen to you and you soon feel better about the whole, sad situation.

If you can't scatter the ashes, can you not have your own personal little ceremony to say a final goodbye, say buying a nice shrub for your garden, placing a plaque on the wall at your local cemetery or crematorium, or going to the nearest beach and scattering flowers or a wreath into the sea?

I think you might need to up your antidepressants rather than reduce them.

Forget about ashes. Why would scattering ashes bring "closure"? The grieving will go on, of course it will. You will no doubt find yourself shedding tears now and then in the future. That's natural - part of life really.

Ashes are nothing. Try to find other things to enjoy. Look to the present and the future.

I notice Bradfordlass72 is suggesting putting your thoughts win a letter and agree with that idea, in the first instance. After you have done it you can then decide whether to send it or not send it or write an edited version and send that....or not... I feel so very sad for you.

'in' not 'win', sorry - 'proof read it too!!'

Who is DT?

My thoughts are this - if you believe in the spirit going somewhere, why all this current trend of taking the ashes to a place where someone liked to be when alive as the spirit should go where it wants anyway. This takes all the anxst of making everyone happy, all my loves ones including my husband are scattered in the crematorium cemetry.

Scattering ashes won't really end your despair. However is there anyway the ashes could be split. My DD died very recently and SIL asked if I wanted to share the ashes and either save or scatter other than where my DD had wished. I chose not to split and scatter in the one place dear to my DD.

I have discussed with my DDs that my ashes are to be scattered in the wind upon Musbury Castle, an Iron Age Fort in Devon overlooking Lyme Bay. About a 2 mile hike uphill from the Church. My youngest laughed saying she would send her husband up with their son to do it and watch it on Facetime.
We learnt in Rio de Janeiro that flowers are thrown into the sea at New Year for the dear departed, have done so ever since whatever time of year x

I wish cremations were final. With no ashes returned. Its like having a second funeral which can be emotionally stunting which you seem to be feeling now.

Ashes cause so many problems in families: people dont grieve in the same way at the same time, but with ashes returned it puts pressure on everyone to be on the same page at the same time!

Also cremation ashes are more toxic than normal ash anyway so shouldnt really be scattered in water or nature.

What is the point of a cremation if the persons physical form isnt "let go?"

I once told my dear departed H that I'd put his ashes in an egg-timer to make sure he kept working. We used to laugh about it.

I have had my H's ashes returned for the sole purpose of having them mixed with mine when the time comes.
I like the idea that we will always be together in some form.
I am not sentimental about them, they are in a box in the spare wardrobe.

Thank you for your replies and suggestions - they are very much appreciated.

Notanan2, you have hit the nail on the head - scattering of the ashes can be like a second funeral (the way that I feel).

Davsgril, DT is Dear Twin.

4allweknow - I've not thought of having half the ashes. I had thought of asking my BIL about having some of my DT's ashes and mixing it into glass and make a dolphin pendant or something like that.

seadragon and Bradfordlass72 - you are right about putting my thoughts in writing and then deciding whether or not to email it on.

Just a thought - maybe I should write a letter to my mum and twin, saying goodbye, and then burn the letter and scatter the letter's ashes in the garden. Maybe then I will let it go - and move on, having made peace with myself and the finality of a written goodbye, but never forgotten in heart.

Hugs to you all!

My MIL still has FIL's ashes 14 years after his death ,I dont think its healthy but we've tried to get her to scatter them and she just wont do it .When my Dad died 25 years ago Mum said get them scattered in the Garden of Remembrance at the crem,When she died we did the same with hers .We're not people who visit graves so that worked best for us .

TwinLolly I am very sorry for all your losses. Writing a letter can be very therapeutic, whether you burn it or not.
Do you know about the Lone Twin Network? It might help.
Best wishes to you.

TwinLolly I think your letter idea is a good one.
Make your own personal ceremony this way.

Your sisters ashes are for your Brother in Law to deal with so really unless you wanted to specifically ask if you could be at the scattering, I think I would let that go.
Your sister will always be in your heart, not where the ashes are scattered.

Condolences for all your loss TwinLolly. I know from bereavements in my family that often family members feel quite differently about the scattering of ashes. Everyone grieves in an individual way. Not quite sure where everyone in the family lives now, but could you contact your BIL and tell him (her) you are planning a trip to RSA in a few months time and gently raise the issue of whether it would be a good time to scatter the ashes. Maybe you could go for winter sun later this year? If neither your YS or BiL want to scatter ashes then would it help you to visit the spots where the ashes are eventually to be scattered for some closure? If you explain your position and feelings it might at least result in a plan for the future to help you feel better.

Disgruntled, I've never heard of the Lone Twin Network. I was in touch with the Twin Research Unit in London - because we were on their register - to let them know about my twin. They put me in touch with a support group but unfortunately it was a 'paid' for support group. I will have a look at the Lone Twin Network.

To all who have messaged me - thanks for all your ideas, thoughts and support. x

It was founded by Joan Woodward, herself a lone twin, back in the 80s. She wrote a book with a lot of contributions from lone twins. There are annual meetings in London and Birmingham, with smaller groups in Harrogate and Manchester. I found it very comforting to talk to others in the same boat. Good luck with everything - message me if you'd like any help, info. Best wishes x

maybe I should write a letter to my mum and twin, saying goodbye, and then burn the letter and scatter the letter's ashes in the garden.

That's an *excellent idea and maybe plant something special too.