Is it over or just a blip?

Maybe his suggesting going shopping was his way of trying to do something for you? X

P.s.
You say you can't tell your OH what's wrong.
Write a letter and give it to him.

OH had other ideas and that we should go shopping and we had things to do

I expect your OH is also distressed by the recent hard months and had set his mind on things he felt he wanted to get done during the bank holiday.

Choose a relaxed time to tell him how you have been feeling and ask him to do something with you, that you would both like.

Speaking to your GP could be helpful too, as others have said.

Dear Unwanted. It sounds as if you are grieving over the loss of your daughter. Please find someone you can talk to about it. But also do send some messages to your DD hopefully that her partner cannot intercept. You may not hear anything but she may turn to you at some point when things change.
Do try to talk to your DH. And do some things that you like even if it's on your own.
All best wishes.

Hello, Granless. I'm sorry, I don't have any advice to offer for your predicament. May I suggest you start another thread with your question as it's in danger of being overlooked as people respond to the first poster and might not read yours? I hope someone will be along with advice for you.
Unwanted, I am so sorry to read of your sadness and do hope that the very good advice proffered so far is helpful for you. I would second HildaW's advice, and seek advice from your GP as I agree you sound to be in a very low place given all that has happened and it is possible you could be depressed, but even if not, talking it through with someone neutral could be beneficial. Take care, and come back on here if it helps.

Granless, removing from the will is not to be taken lightly and I have no wish to go into personal details but I'd see it as a very last resort. There is absolutely no recourse once a person has died and even if a relationship has really broken down being 'cut out' is very final. You many choose not to leave any of your monies but do at least leave words of some comfort that can reflect your true feelings even if the child no longer wishes to be in contact.

I too am in a similar situation re oldest son. We have been estranged 8 years. I know where he lives, have written to him, emailed him, text him - all to no avail.
My main issue is do I remove him from my Will. If he doesn’t care about me why should I care about him. Difficult decision. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

I’ve had a similar situation with my oldest son. And to be blunt, it absolutely broke my heart, it was on my mind constantly. I think until it happens to you, you just don’t know how awful it is. We are 3 years on now. And coping. I do think I should have gone to counselling. It didn’t affect my husband like it did me.
It still makes me so sad. But his new in laws are his family now. His choice , not mine.
Wedding cause so much trouble, when they should be happy and joyous for everyone.

Hi, I think you've received some great advice here but I do so empathise with you - there's nothing worse than being in a relationship but feeling totally alone. Our daughter too has behaved in a very similar way to yours and is refusing all contact with ourselves and her brothers and sister. What saddens me is that they've now hardened their hearts against her and I doubt they will ever fully accept her back into the family so talk to your husband about what has happened and agree on a course of action which might change over time - everything does. If you know where she lives, send a little note once a fortnight - I leave a message on my daughter's phone, just so you feel that you have taken some positive action. It's important to do that, otherwise the over controlling partner will be given far more power than he should have.

The other thing is that you have access to so much by having access to the internet. One of the things I do is genealogy and the internet is great for finding things if that's your thing but there is so much other stuff to find and discover. Once you are absorbed in something else, the loneliness will recede and be clear with your husband. Tell him you want him to listen or you will have to take drastic action. I've just tried that and so far, so good. Shopping on a Bank Holiday may well become a thing of the past. Good luck.

Oh you have so much going on no wonder you are down. Don't think you can just pull yourself together, it isn't that simple and anyone who says that that's all you need to do doesn't understand what it's like to get as low as you are now. Doing things can help eventually , but like others I'd suggest that you went along to the docs and asked for help. Or your area might have a wellbeing service that you can self refer to. I put off and out off taking antidepressants when I was in a hole a few years ago in a difficult impossible situation. I thought I could pull myself out if it, but ended up hardly being able to get out of bed or do anything other than keep myself fed and in clean knickers. It takes time for the tablets to work and in the end I had them increased to a fairly high dose and they got me to the state where I could begin to work out how to deal with the situation I was in. I also was lucky enough to get counselling and benefitted greatly from a support group and a recovery course. I wish I'd not waited until I was so low, I'd be further along in my recovery but I guess I was afraid of getting hooked on tablets, in the end I started cutting them down myself, gradually, and had no bad side effects. It's hard to know what to do for the best when you are so down, if you did leave him now you'd be in the same situation but on your own and with all the trauma if divorce to deal with, and honestly it is not an easy thing to navigate. You may end up doing that, but you'd be in a better place to deal with it. Maybe now you just need to tell your husband that you are feeling down, and that you want to get help from the docs, what do you think he might say if you told him that
It is so sad to hear about your dd, obviously none of us here know what things were like before, but if the man she is with is encouraging her to cut off contact with family and friends it might be because he's abusing her, this is one if the things that abusers do, cut their victims off from those who could help, there may be lots of other things he's doing that she doesn't recognise as abusive, cutting her off is just one tactic abusers use. She may need you in the future
It's hard when you have no friends, and going and doing any of the worthy things people are suggesting won't get you friends that you can have heart to hearts with quickly. Your local vicar is there for everyone and asking if you can have a chat might be helpful, they can listen and sometimes just having someone who will listen is really good, he it she can't meet you every week, they have everyone in the parish to look after but there might be places they could suggest to find people to talk to.
You say you're off this week. Can you think if one thing a say that you could maybe do that you'd not normally do, that you could cope with. A health walk perhaps or maybe just buying a plant and potting it up when you get home, or just a coffee out, or just put some favourite music on or pick up the knitting needles and start something or just sit in the garden and listen to the birds. It won't make things better but for a few minutes it might make make things feel a bit better. If nothing 3lse get a docs appointment

Unwanted, you have been able to explain your situation to us here, so please, print out what you wrote, or write it down again and give it to your husband to read.

Lots of people find it hard to talk about feelings, but yours need to be discussed with your husband.

Next: the no transport issue. I take it you only have one car and you are not on a bus route. Can you ride a bike?
If you can buy one NOW, either new or second-hand so you are not stuck at home when your husband has the car.

If like me, you no longer feel safe on two wheels, you need to look for a cargo bike. They are more expensive, but somehow or other you need to be mobile.

But get through to DH somehow, crying all the time is a sure sign something is badly wrong. Only you can decide whether your marriage is over or not. To me it sounds as the pair of you need help communicating.

Now might be the time to start talking seriously of moving,

Ring your GP, crying all the time needs to stop and only he can say whether it is caused by a depression or the menopause. but he should be able to help you.

I was going to make the same point as jaylucy. He is not a mind reader and you do need to find a way to let him know but this does seem deeper than that one incident. Make an appointment to see your GP as soon as possible and try to tell your husband that.
Could you put it in writing. It seems strange when you are living with someone but communication in any form is better than none. I wouldn't mention that you are thinking that your marriage may be over as that would probably put him on the defensive. Let him know that you are still finding the situation with your daughter difficult and that you needed a day away from your worries and your home to help you cope and you are upset that he didn't realise that. Tell him that you have made an appointment with your GP.
If you are clinically depressed, doing even the simplest thing can be very difficult, but forcing yourself to start is the biggest hurdle.
You may not be emotionally strong enough to deal with a marriage break up along with everything else so I would put thinking about that on hold until you start to recover.

Your daughter's separation has created a vacuum in your life that you are now unable to cope with. I am not a psychiatrist, but you sound like someone who is very depressed. With regard to your DH...he is likely suffering with this as you are, albeit in his own way. The shopping excursion may have a way to cope with his own grief as well as an otherwise long weekend.

How was your marriage before your daughter's estrangement? Did you spend a lot of time with your daughter or did you and H spend more time together? What kind of a relationship did you have when you were first married? Did you and H talk about your own issues? What about later? Is D your only child? The answers may hold clues to what's missing in your life and the source of your unhappiness.

You may need outside help in the way of counseling, but first you and H need to have a very kind and honest conversation. You need help with what I suspect is deep Depression and you both need help to cope with your daughter's separation. I suspect that if you do it together, you both have the power to fix whatever it is that's broken in your relationship.

The impression that immediately comes across is that you are suffering a reactive depression, and you can't cope with that on your own, you need professional help. As others have said, do make a GP appointment your first priority.

You are both effectively bereaved, you have lost your daughter but still have to worry about her, and now is not the time to be taking your distress out on each other. With the way you are feeling, I am guessing you feel you have to work at getting through the next few hours. It is exhausting fighting feelings, and if you possibly can, let go, let it all wash over you, you won't sink, I promise you. The bad feelings, such as being unable to take a deep breath for the pain, will pass, they will not be constant. They will come back, but you know they will pass, and eventually you will come through. Talking therapies will help you through, so do ask your GP for help. We are all willing you on to get better.

Do you still love him? I have not heard that talked about much.

Ah, the old running away fantasy. In dark times in my life I have indulged in the most elaborate running away fantasies. These have included very detailed plans for trips to distant parts of the world, starting a new life elsewhere...blah, blah. None of it ever happened but they were fun distractions at times.

You know you have to sort out out the boring day to day stuff, persevere and talk to your husband and acknowledge the deep hurt caused by your daughter's actions and the impact on your own lives. One of my life rules is to never make a big move or change when you are down and not sure where or what you want to do - it will generally be the wrong move. Wait a bit, think things over and then consider what may be next. There's a lot to be said for the old adage of taking time to smooth down your feathers and seeing what's around the corner. Good luck.

I feel so sorry for you yet you say you cannot speak up yet it is making you ill. You need to talk to your husband and not go along with everything that he decided for you both to do. Tell him that you have a life as well and you want to do your own thing or at least get your say in what you both do with your days. Can you get about during the week? Maybe join an exercise group, knitting circle, swimming etc. Just try and get out of the house more and do your own thing. This thing with your daughter isnt helping either. It sounds like she has got involved with a total control freak. I havent spoken to my daughter in 4 years and it hurts like hell. Try and write her a letter and explain how you feel, maybe she will get in touch then. Best wishes and keep strong. x

Craicun I’m so sorry about your mother, however, this poor lady sounds very depressed. If this is the case telling her that she should have pulled herself together and spoken to her husband is neither kind or helpful. It can sometimes be very hard to articulate exactly what the problems are, and retreating to a safe place ie your bed can be all you can do. I hope she can get something helpful to move forward from all the lovely advice given by other posters, and I wish her better days.

this calls for a good old fashioned talk .yes eye to eye .face to face. tell him how you feel !!! .how is he to know what you want when you dont tell him.write a list of things that need to be done.if you feel like exploding hit a pillow or go out for a walk...clears your mind and the air. but you need to talk to him...then i think you need to see a councillor to taslk out your own problems. dont go to bed .get on with the little jobs .it doesnt reallly matter if he doesnt want to do what you want to.... does it ?

You say you are not good at speaking-up and just kept quiet and went to bed. From your husbands point of view, that could seem like a moody, sulky wife, making him unhappy! Communication is crucial. You can’t expect your husband to know what you want, if you don’t tell him. You are as responsible for making the marriage happy as is he. You need to talk.

I am saddened to see a couple of harsh posts here. Many people are lonely.

If only we could just " join things" and it would go away. A bit like Weight Watchers but for mental health.

I feel OP may be depressed. First phone call is the GP. Second is a reputable therapist. After this has bedded in try something very low key.....a yoga class. Nod and smile at the others, that is all that is required. Once feeling more confident branch out and try an hour or two volunteering.

You asked if this was the end of your marriage and I would say that would be a mistake with all the recent trauma in your lives. Are you depressed? Maybe a visit to your GP and a chat about your situation may help. Talking to your husband and telling him how wretched you are feeling may also be a good idea. But underlying everything else is the absence of your daughter. Is her new partner controlling her? It does sound as if he wants her for himself, an unhealthy relationship but presumably her choice. Could you write to her, perhaps at her work, in case he reads her post, and tell her quite honestly how very sad you are about the situation. I do hope things improve but try improving communication with your husband and daughter before you pack that bag. The grass is most likely the same colour on the other side of the fence.

It does sound as though you need some help here. If you were my friend/family member I would encourage you to speak to your doctor. I can guess you wouldn’t know what to say or where to begin .... doctors are trained to help you communicate this to them. It’s not all about pills these days as more and more doctors are now into social prescribing such as U3A. Have you heard of U3A for us older folk? They really do have something for everyone, all run by volunteers and the list of topics is endless: history, choir, writing for Pleasure, walking groups, craft, fitness, book groups- you get my drift! It costs between £25/£30 for an entire year and you can join as many groups as you like - if you don’t like you don’t go. Simple. It’s such a lovely setup to make like-minded friends so that you’d feel less isolated. Please don’t give up on your life or your husband. Perhaps if you can gain a little more faith in yourself you’ll have the confidence to talk to your husband (in small chunks) about the issues that need looking at and addressed. Good luck x

It sounds as though you may be depressed, that’s a lot of years to throw away. Try seeking help from your GP, counselling or even marriage counselling may help. If you re not able to articulate how you feel, try writing it down so that he knows what your issues are. He may be feeling the same, remember the Pinacolada song xx

Stop saying you are lonely and have no friends. You have to go out and find them. The best thing I did when I retired was volunteer at my local National Trust one day a week. Lots of new friends, social events, meeting up, lunches, coffee etc in the cafe. Also join a choir, poetry group, book group at your local library. Anything that takes your fancy. If you find it's not right for you just leave.

How about emailing your daughter saying - missing you, can we meet for coffee at ? Nothing to lose.