Is it over or just a blip?

Maybe someone in this group lives locally to you, and could meet up for coffee or lunch. Just give us a rough idea what area you live in, and we may be able to support you.

If not chat away on here. I really think you need some help, so please go see your GP, and communicate with your husband. Good luck.

Bit harsh Craicon

Hello
I have just read your very sad message and feel for you. It does sound you are missing your daughter very much. Were you both close? I can really understand how you feel our son lives in Tokyo. He married a Japanese girl. It’s been extremely difficult and I have tried n tried to get on with her. Sadly she really doesn’t want to know. I miss my son and I have two small grandchildren who I barely see and there are many days when I get down over this situation. I really push myself and try to do things I garden and have contacted a few old friends it’s also surprising if you just try to get out you will meet people. One reply said go for a walk which I agree with you will be surprised at how many people you will meet maybe people who regularly walk their dogs people taking young children out with them I do hope you begin to feel better soon. Sometimes your local church welcomes people and organise coffee mornings and ladies monthly lunches. Maybe offer to do some voluntary work for a local charity. Hope all goes well for you and you begin to feel better very soon

Why are you punishing your husband by sulking and crying like a child?
You need to grow up and talk to him as an adult.
I hate people who are passive aggressive and expect others to pander to them. My mother was like this sometimes too.

Tell him you need to talk and then be open and honest with him about how you feel.
He deserves your honesty not your moodiness.

Take one step at a time to develop a simple weekly structure where each day you do something you enjoy. i.e bit of gardening, watch a TV programme, take a bus to a matinee at the local cinema, go out to a class yoga, U3A etc. Hope things improve for you.

Have you the means to stay in a hotel for a few days? Don't make it as something against him, just say you are fed up being in the house and need a break. Sometimes a clear head will help make decisions.

Sorry, but your husband isn't a mind reader!
It sounds as if you just asked him what you'd be doing and he just assumed that the usual shopping etc was what you wanted, and that you were asking what he was planning to do that day?
Is there any reason that you couldn't have suggested that you went out for a pub lunch or something or still can't?
Maybe he is feeling sad and missing your daughter just like you are. Maybe you both need to stop waiting for her to walk through the door/ call you and make a life for the two of you, but still being prepared to be there to pick up the pieces if needed.
Maybe write to your daughter and tell her how much she is missed and you would love to see her (even if you have to put up with the bf for a few hours) If there is no response I am afraid that you will have to get on with your own lives.
Right, so for the rest of this week, I'd suggest that you either decide to spend a day or two out on your own by bus/ walking or tell your husband that you are sick and tired of those 4 walls and that he is taking you somewhere - even a picnic to a park, day at the seaside or somewhere that you both might enjoy, if only for an afternoon.

Unwanted, if you are new to Gransnet, welcome.

For now I wouldn't do anything rash as you have survived 32 years of marriage and leaving the marriage now is unlikely to make you feel any better or solve your current problems. You are both missing your daughter and probably worrying about her and what you are feeling is akin to a kind of grief, a loss. If you can summon the strength it has to be worth at least trying to talk to your husband - if he won't talk maybe he will listen, to you!

If you are in a position where you don't have to watch every penny then I agree with others that you should try to get out or find an interest, a hobby, somewhere or someone to visit etc. Even if you just buy a newspaper or puzzle book and go to a coffee shop and 'people watch' it will give you a break from the house. You never know, someone might strike up a conversation with you - even if you don't make friends to the extent of sharing life's problems you may make a 'coffee shop friend', someone to have a coffee with, pass the time of day with and discuss general if not personal things, to 'people watch' together!

If you think you are depressed talk to your GP as they may be able to help. They are aware people can feel lonely in a relationship, family or group as much as they can when alone.

And remember Gransnet is a good forum to ask for help or advice, to seek support, to have a few laughs, to share life circumstances etc. I hope you feel better soon

1st I would get a message somehow to your DD saying you do not wish to interfere but you miss her terribly and will always be there for her. 2nd your DH needs to know how you are feeling, could you show him this post and all the responses ? Some men are more responsive than others., but having a man who won’t listen or acknowledge your feelings is not a good thing. Try to avoid pills if you are depressed CBT may help. Try to fill your life, go places and meet others with similar interests, there are lots of lonely ladies out there who need friends. As others say don’t do anything drastic until you start to feel a bit more positive. I wish you well ?

I'm really sad that your username is "Unwanted". You will always be wanted and there may be a time in the future when your DD will need you. It may not be immediatley but something will happen and she will need you both.
Now, regarding the situation that you find yourself in right now. You say you don't drive - is this due to a medical problem? If not and money allows it is never too late to learn and this will give you some independence.
Also, you say that you don't have any friends - is this because you are shy? It can be difficult but there comes a time when you just have to push yourself forward a bit. Why not join a group that doess something that interests you? There are quite often book clubs, knitting and natter groups that run during the evenings if you are still working etc. That way you will be able to do something that you enjoy and meet like-minded people.
I hope that you will start to feel better xx

my heart aches for you. your post echoes the loneliness we have all felt at some point. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but you have to switch it on. Get yourself out. join a group to stat with. The WI or local group. A craft group maybe. Just to meet people to start with. your local library or community hall will have details. Keep a link open with your daughter. Jut le t her know that you would love to meet for coffee or lunch when she ha time. hr partner does sound a problem - best not to mention him other than say he would be welcome to join you ( keep your friends close and your enemies closer).

men don't tend to like bank holiday days out. Explain to your OH that you feel the walls are closing in - perhaps a trip to a garden -somewhere open and green might appeal to him next weekend. If he has a hobby perhaps you could find something mutually interesting. He might well be feeling low too. if you could find a few interests of your own this would help. How about volunteering at a charity shop or helping with reading at a local primary school. Join a walking group or a senior keep fit group.

Don't give upon your marriage. You have to work at it. Talking's a start.













don't give up on your marriage

Good advice HildaW
Sounds like the OP is depressed and it’s impossible to act if that’s the case
It would be a good idea to speak to your gp

Some really good advice for you on here Unwanted. Most saying the same thing- you have to be proactive. No transport is not good if you live in the sticks. Have you heard of U3A? It’s called the University of the Third Age. It’s basically local interest groups. Have a google and see if you’ve got one locally. If you can’t face talking to your husband about the way you feel, could you write it down instead? I am sorry to hear about your daughter. I have 7 children, and two of my sons have fallen out with me. I honestly don’t let it bother me. No one is going to live your life for you. Only you know what makes you happy. Write down a bucket list of things you want to do. If you suspect your low mood is not going to lift do an online self referral to the well-being service. Good luck and hope you come back and tell us what positive things you’ve done for yourself.

I also think you might be more than just feeling down, which is understandable given your circumstances. Is there anyone you can talk to? GP or nurse practitioner, spiritual or religious leader? Some areas have self referral psychology/counselling services which might offer you some coping strategies. Hope this helps OP.

Is your DD's partner a control freak? Is he making her give up all contacts outside him and whatever he deems suitable for her? I've heard of several instances of this. Does she have a mobile phone you can use to make sure she is OK at least?

As for yourself, might be an idea to see your GP and see if you are suffering from depression, get your vitamin D levels checked and make sure those are sufficient, then pluck up courage to talk to husband. He might be suffering too. Of course, it could just be grumpy old man syndrome. Another way of controlling how we women behave towards them.

Suggest some interests and hobbies, too. Do you have internet? Seems so. Do you have an unrequited love of Egyptology, Tudor social history, petit point, political campaigning? Do you know the species of insects, plants, trees in your garden? Get something of your very own.

And good luck. Lots of good advice above. My suggestions only reiterate them.

Hi, is the crux of this the lack of contact with your daughter? Could you take some measures to get in touch again? This may help....but also, its easy isnt it to identify greatly with our children...why wouldn’t we....but eventually as they fly the nest, we do have to carve out a life for ourselves...maybe if you could focus in those two aspects, things might improve for you? All the best.

Hello, Unwanted. If you can't tell him, write it all down and hand it to him.
I felt like you and we split up; when I told him why he said that he didn't realise how I was feeling and said sorry. We got back together and it is so much better now.
Is his job holding you to where you live? Perhaps you could look for another house within commuting distance. Do you drive? If not, consider taking lessons.
Go and see your GP and explain how you feel, he may be able to help.

Here on Gransnet, some of us regularly meet up for coffee mornings. Depending on where you live, I’m sure if you emailed the head office, they would be able to put you in touch with your local group.
Just to get out and talk to like minded women is a real boost I find. And I’m sure that would help you a great deal if you were able to do that.

I would think that you need to talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. He cannot possibly read your mind and may have suggested shopping to cheer you up. Plan something and run it by him, you may find he needs jogging along too. Visiting the GP is probably a good idea too. Living on your own may not be a bowl of cherries either.

I don't think this is a case of keep yourself busy/go shopping. I suggest a trip to the GP and some counselling.

So sorry you are feeling this way.

I can sympathise as, although we are retired, my DH is out every day and I am left on my own. However I have found classes to go to but they don't fill the whole day. If you are really stuck for transport have you thought about getting a second hand bike? Good exercise, economical. Could you take driving lessons to eventually drive your DH to work one day and pick him up later? Could you go on a day coach trip somewhere on your own? You may have to pay for a taxi to get to point A. Have you looked at the community page on Gumtree for your area to see what is happening? If interested in gardening could you get an allotment near you? Of course you will have up and down days and it is so hard to be motivated on a down day but plan just one thing to do like some baking, reading a book, going for a walk, have a coffee out somewhere, Have a list of places you want to go and things you want to do and ask your DH to agree to at least one and hold him to it. I leave my husband a note where he can see it every day to remind him. It is very hard having no friends and just as hard to make any if you are not an outgoing person and most days I, like you, feel lonely but that's life.

Do you have a bus pass? If so go to somewhere you have never been before. Have an adventure. Someone nearly always speaks to you on a bus. You will feel much better for a day away

Some good advice, especially from HildaW.

I hope things improve for you Unwanted.

Don’t do anything rash, you sound so unhappy, it’s probably tempting to walk away from it all, but don’t be hasty.

We had a similar situation with one of our daughters, and it totally devastated my husband, naturally, I felt the same, but she was his little girl, and he found it very hard to bear.

Luckily we were, and still are able to talk about it, and although the situation with our daughter, is better than it was, it sure isn’t great!

He may just be coping the best way he knows how, persevere, and eventually he may open up.

In the meantime, I know it’s horrible for you

I feel for you, I really do. Sometimes not getting through to your other half what's really going on in your mind can cause frustration and eat away at your confidence.

I don't advise this, but I did it maybe twice in seventeen years - I had an absolute meltdown in front of my hubby, I screamed and sobbed alternatively till I got my message across. He stood and listened, I calmed down, and then we talked properly. ( the reason for it was I was desperate for a new cooker, and a new fridge, the ones I had were over twenty years old, and did not work properly, in fact were down right useless and dangerous.). As I said I don't advise, but it did make us talk about the issue, my hubby is a man who insists things have to 'break' first before we buy new. Anyway within days we had a new cooker and fridge freezer.
There may have to be a meltdown again in about six or seven years, I hope not though, as I am such a calm and happy person normally.

I also think don't sit inside looking at your walls, do something, anything to take you slightly out of your comfort zone? It will give a boost to your confidence levels, then you can build on that.

I do hope there will come a time for reconciliation with your daughter.