Is it over or just a blip?

So glad to hear things are getting better for you Unwanted hope you enjoy the time with your husband. Good luck.

Unwanted … How nice of you to think of coming back with your updated news, and what positive news it is too!

I sincerely hope your gap year goes well for you both.

Do give us the edited highlights, if you have the time!!

ladymuck sometimes you just have to take the plunge and that is what we are doing with this trip. Good luck

I wish you luck, Unwanted.
At the age of 60 and suffering from agoraphobia, I packed a few things and left my husband. Things had become intolerable and talking to him was useless.
Now, life is so much better and my problem has improved since I'm away from the stress that caused it.

Unwanted that's good to hear, and thank you for coming back with an update!

Hi

It has been a while since l last posted and since l posted this things have improved with OH and it probably was just a blip after everything else that has happened over the last 6 nearly 7 years.

We are planning a trip away (a sort of gap year) so we can have time for ourselves and work out our next step .

I just wanted to thank everyone for their replies.

I find it really hard to talk to people as l never know what to say, l have always been shy and that hasn't gotten any better with age

Whether it's feelings, opinions or anger, I believe that your inability to say what you mean and to tell others what you want, is at the root of all your problems.

When someone can't express themselves, they end up frustrated as they are constantly faced with misunderstandings and unintended outcomes.

Grief turned inward can also be very damaging if it has no outlet or release. Your daughter's behavior seems unconscionable and cruel.....that is likely the root of your depression, worsened by the inability to express your grief or to resolve it more productively.

You need to seek professional counseling in two areas: Someone (communications expert) who can show you how to communicate more assertively with strategies for getting your point across. Most importantly, a competent therapist to treat your depression and social anxiety. All of the above will help you to engage others and overcome your loneliness.

RE: Moving far away.....A change of address likely won't make a difference because you are the one who needs to change

There are doers and there are talkers. The talkers keep on talking and this goes on and on for weeks and years. A doer actually does something. You seem to be seeking permission to do something..why? Dont seek permission, just do it... do something!! If not you will keep on talking and, talking. You owe it to yourself to do whatever you chose. The first thing is to tell him you want to talk and tell him straight how you feel but not in a way which seems you are seeking his approval... just tell him how you feel, that's it. You are not asking if he agrees you are telling him about YOURSELF. He may surprise you and say that he wants to change and do more. But... dont see him as a crutch, try to be your own person. You will gain more.

If you can think of ways you would like to use a car, and you can afford it, it wouldn't be a waste.
It would be something to help you.

I also get fed up sometimes I have Menieres which makes it difficult to go out and about by myself, but it’s not my husbands fault, he just has low energy after working he just wants to chill out at home, have a nap, watch the footy or a film and I understand that, he would take me out if I asked even though it’s just a quick shop and home again.
You can’t blame your husband because you are fed up, get out there girl, use your bus pass, go to the cinema, visit. a Museum, have your hair/nails done. And talk to your husband tell him what you would like. Have a date night with your husband once a month. Smile.

Unwanted, my heart goes out to you and DH. Losing your DD this way must be very painful. It sounds as if her partner and his family are very controlling and have taken over. Very sad, but so is the fact that she let them. Hugs!

I'm glad you spoke to DH about how you feel. Still, I agree with those who say this was about more than a Bank Holiday and that you would benefit from some counseling. Maybe you and DH both need to go to Relate. Please give it some thought.

Oh unwanted so glad to read your post, sounds like you have cleared some of the bad feelings away. Just like to add that screaming and shouting over a problem is not all its cracked up to be. Its not something I can do I am much more like you but I have friends who have gone down the route of screaming over a problem and stuff can get said that can never be unsaid and that can be a huge problem.
We are all different and it takes time to understand ourselves, decades in my case. Work with what you are and what you and your DH can cope with and do not give up on finding like minded folks you can talk too. Its taken me years to understand that just talking face to face to a half decent person without any axes to grind can be hugely helpful.
You are both coping with a really difficult loss...she is gone but not and you will always love her and want her back so that will always be in a state of grief. Some people find keeping a journal really helpful - you can write down how you feel, no one else needs to see it. I found it helpful to write letters in a similar position (they were never posted), but it did help. All the very best.

Thank you to everyone for the comments and advice and l do appreciate it. I have talked to my OH and have cleared the air. I don't have many days like this but when l do they are really hard to deal with and l just wish l was one of those people who could shout and scream to get it over with but l am not. I know that we are both grieving for our DD and that will never go away but she has a much better family now (her words) and we have to learn to live with that. We were all close until he came on the scene and she changed within weeks of going out with him. We did try to like him and invited him to our home for meals we even had him and his mother to ours for a meal Christmas Eve so we could get to know one and other but little did we know that she was asking our DD to move in with them. So l guess between them they turned her against us. I spoke to the mother the day our DD left and she said that it was time she rebelled after all she ran away from home at 16 to live with her abusive ex (she even gave her son her wedding ring which he in turn gave our DD and didn't see any wrong in that. That was the reason l went to see her) and her own DD's left home as soon as they could although they are now all the best of friends.

We have talked about moving almost every year since she left (6 years now) and have even looked at houses but as yet we haven't been able to make the move. I often think it would be the best thing for both of us to make a fresh start somewhere else that doesn't remind us of her every day. Then just maybe we can get on with out lives without the elephant in the room - probably not the best way to describe it but as it always there we never stop thinking about her.

It is almost the weekend and work is just around the corner (I work in a school so my days are always busy).

I have tried to find local groups but there aren't many in the village and the ones that run are usually in the daytime when l am at work and tend not to run in the school holidays. I find it really hard to talk to people as l never know what to say, l have always been shy and that hasn't gotten any better with age. Buses go to the nearest town which isn't that great and because l work locally another car would be a waste and OH needs his car for his job so can't use that either.

Thank you all again for listening to me and your kind words.

Granless, we took the decision to disinherit our son. Not straight away, I left it a year, upsetting as it was, I just couldn’t have him inherit along side my other children, when he made it clear he wanted nothing to do with us.

You need a hobby, something to keep you occupied and something to get up for in the morning. Spread your wings if you can, perhaps to a gallery by bus if not shopping. Feed the birds in your garden and get involved with them. After a few years you will find them compulsive. Don't just fill up feeders and throw seed to them. There are suppliers of wild bird food which sends live mealworms one a week for six weeks in varying amounts according to how many birds you feed. They bring you their young in turn and feed them on the ground when they are fledged. To see all those little ones waiting for their meals is so delightful and interesting and you can get involved as much or as little as you want. There must be an RSPB local group near you (or the equivalent if you do not live in UK) and you can make new friends. It is like having pets without the worry of vet bills; like enjoying grandchildren and able to give them back! Wildlife is interesting because they do what they like and you watch to see what they will get up to next, but you can get the same in all sorts of things if you join craft groups. Your local knitting etc. shops usually have connections and there are many adds in shop windows for all sorts of groups. Be positive. Life is so short, believe me. I am widowed, disabled and housebound. I am unable to walk far and I live in a town where the pavements are too narrow for my power wheelchair and the shops to old to have access. You have to make the most of life and enrich it before it leaves you. You never know: when I was 46 I got up to go to work one morning and my legs gave way.

I think Hilda has made some valid points here. It is quite possible that difficult family experiences constitute a type of trauma that has made you react with a bout of depression, please get your husband to take you to the doctor, as he is clearly worried about you I am sure he would like you to get some help. My husband won’t go anywhere on a bank holiday as he says the traffic is always bad. I am lucky enough to be able to drive so I go Garden visiting, sometimes with a friend, but often on my own.

When you say you are at home this week does it mean you usually work? You really must tell your husband what is bothering you. Men don't think the same way as us so he won't understand if you don't try to explain. My husband never suggests we do anything and it drives me mad, so I sometimes think any suggestion would be better than none. He's hurting too and doesn't know how to handle things. At least he seems to be trying. Would moving away solve anything?

Smileless2012 - I want to go with my gut feeling and cut son out of my Will, my heart is finding the decision difficult.
Thank you for your input.

Unwanted - there has been a lot of positive input here. It seems to me that communication has broken down and neither can’t or don’t want to address it. It, of course, is your decision as to what you do about it but think hard and long. Sometimes hard decisions have to be made.

I’m so sorry for your situation. I have suffered from anxiety & depression for many, many years. It sounds as though you are depressed but I think your husband probably is too. I believe that both of you have been deeply affected by the situation with you DD and instead of sharing your feelings you have almost retreated into separate corners to lick your wounds. You need to see your GP about the depression. I would guess your DH is worried sick about you but doesn’t know how to help you. Maybe you could go to the GP together? Please don’t make any decisions until you’re feeling stronger. Let us know how you get on ?

You do not share your age unfortunately. I believe it's never too late to learn, have you considered learning to drive, or even ride a bike. If you could get into the nearest town (even by bus) the coaches run loads of cheap journeys and this would also be a way of making possible new friends.

I thought the advice of the poster who suggested volunteering was good. When I was on my own a lot on bank holidays as husband was away alot for work I thought if I was going to be alone and not enjoying family time then why not help make other people's time better? I helped at the local hospital. They usually welcome people to run the shop, go round and get requests for hospital radio, and then I was a DJ for some years. Also I helped at Crisis one Christmas when I was going to be alone. You can also help in schools, listen to children read maybe? They need more adults to do that with slow readers. You meet nice people when you volunteer. Someone suggested National Trust houses. That sounded like a whole social scene.

I'm sorry you had a rubbish B/H .
Not quite the same, but for communicate you considered joining a few clubs . We moved to a new area so had no friends , and my oh was still at work ( also in my opinion ) it's never a good idea to live in each other's pockets. I joined the WI. Ok they usually only meet up once a month, but ours have a good few sub groups so I can choose to go a walking group, book club , various crafting groups , a social group ( visiting NT properties, theatre trips etc ) and a food group ( trips to cafes, afternoon tea, meals out ).

You must talk to your husband Unwanted and tell him how you feel. As others have suggested, perhaps writing it down would be easier for you.

Losing an adult child through estrangement is a truly awful experience. It's called a 'living bereavement' because there's never a final goodbye. Those of us living this nightmare struggle with grieving for a child still living and learning to accept the horrible realisation that in all probability, we'll never see our AC again.

Your husband and you need one another, just as Mr. S. and I did. You have both lost your D and that is why you are the best person to support him, and he you.

Granless the subject of wills is a difficult one in the best of circumstances let alone when it's about whether or not in include an estranging child.

We took the decision some time ago to dis inherit our ES; we've been estranged 6.5 years. It didn't seem appropriate for him to be a beneficiary of our estate when he's made it absolutely clear, in words and deeds, that he wants nothing to do with us.

Unwanted,

Your post was very sad, I agree with a poster who said going to bed you must of felt very low. I know this as a couple of years ago with empty nest and my Mam dying I used to do the same. I now look back and realise I was very sad. Can you see someone at your surgery about quick referral for counselling or just someone to chat to. The pain you have suffered of estrangement is grief and needs to be worked through. One day your daughter will realise and she will be back once she has realised what has happened to her. I don’t understand why any person encourages estrangement from people like this. I also think your husband must feel sad too. My daughter has a boyfriend now and I worry about this also and what you are going through.

I see a lady for counselling and it helps a little.

1. This is just what Relate are there to help with you can go alone (I did) and he may join you later (my husband did).
2. You don't have to do everything together. I used to say "I fancy a day by the sea would you like to join me?". Sometimes he did. sometimes he didn't. But I went anyway.
3. And yes, as suggested elsewhere, join something on your own, on a regular basis where you will meet friends.

When my husband died of course I was sad but I was used to going out alone and had a network of friends who supported me.