elderly mother with narcissistic personality disorder

If Ziggy could manage to keep a kindly eye on this terrible old woman that would be excellent. However I do recognise that she is only human and has her limit like me and everyone else.

Having read one or two posts from grans who have had bullying, unkind, lying, manipulative mothers I can see more clearly what the problem is. Telling lies about someone whether or not they are a relative is slander or libel.

Unforgiveable is a strong word. I bet your partner man is less of a wimp than you imagine him to be. This old woman is in a weak position with no partner man to console her in her old age.

You are now old enough and strong enough to parent this old woman according to her needs and your needs.
You and others are medicalising bad temper and selfishness with this trendy diagnosis of so- called 'narcissism' .

Agnurse
exactly, I've had nearly 60 years of her insults and cruelty but to say such an awful thing about the most wonderfully kind and understanding man I have ever met is unforgivable. Although I must admit I had to admire her ability to copy our wedding pic from my husband's facebook page then share it at the age of 80 lol.

I think you have done the right thing with FIL, although I'm sure there will be many posts disagreeing. It's hard to understand why a parent wouldn't want their adult child to have a happy marriage.

I've just ordered a book from Amazon that is recommended for adult children of NPD.

I feel so much stronger after reading posts from others coping with this, although I wish none of us needed to be here.

I'm sure we can all support each other xx

I'm sorry, but if someone insulted my partner that way, I wouldn't want anything to do with them.

FIL tried to destroy our marriage with some comments reminiscent of this. Hubby has gone VLC with him and I have no relationship with him.

People in their 80s sometimes fear old age , not being wanted, and dying. Why let this problem of the old get under your skin? It's understandable that one feels guilt and sadness about the transient life and final days of one's aged parent. But this is a time for the son or daughter to try to be pragmatic which includes precisely [black] not[black] making her poor old life even more miserable!

Mmm. I am still worrying about the labelling of people in this way.

Fairly obviously some people have character clashes, some are difficult to live with and some behave so appallingly that the person they behave like that toward should not be expected to tolerate it.

My niece is a psychologist who works with children and young people. She rarely talks about her work but I know some of what she has been told is incredibly extreme. When we have talked about what she does (in general) she has said that the most difficult cases are where she needs to help people see that the only thing that can change in that relationship is themselves.

The other person is not, currently, going to change. It is all about building resilience. It's about you, not them. It is how you that you can change you, not them.

It sounds to me as if you are still saying "if only they didn't do X I would not be in pain." But they are not going to stop and you need to be able to get outside the relationship and see why X is painful for you and how else you can look at it.

I really doubt if this can be done on your own in some cases and I doubt even more if repeating how bad the other person is does anything to make you feel better.

Good morning and Happy Summer Solstice to you all. I planned to get up at 4.30 to watch the sun rise in the garden with a nice cup of earl grey tea , I woke just after 4am and it was bright day light. I missed the sunrise lol. Ah well we're off to a Solstice celebration tomorrow afternoon which I'm really looking forward to.

Thank you for all the messages I've received. It's very sad to hear others stories but I think having a place to come and discuss things (tea & sympathy ) is so helpful.
As mentioned I had therapy but chatting to others who know exactly how I feel makes it so much easier to deal with.

In answer to question about how my mother contacts me. She creates new Facebook accounts every few months and then requests myself, my husband and some of my cousins as friends. I usually just delete request and block her but stupidly last week I replied asking her once again not to keep doing this. I explained I wished her no ill, I'm glad she's got family to look after her and she's got lots of friends at church but that I was happy with my new husband & I just wanted to get on with my life in peace. Her reply was "I'm sick to death of hearing how happy you are with your husband...…………….." . This brought back memories of the day after our wedding where she posted a pic of my husband and I stating I had obviously married him for his money as I certainly couldn't have married him for his looks.
As for the reasons I don't see my children or grandchildren I cant really discuss this on here.

I didn't say there was anything wrong with tea & sympathy dawn22 just that there are other opinions and reactions.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I have missed her all of my adult life.

Hard for those with loving caring parents to understand.

Well, my mum died fifty-odd years ago, when I was 19. So no "loving caring parent here. Not for a long while.

Ziggy, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this problem. I haven't had the same, but hope you don't mind if I ask a couple of questions. First, as another poster said, how is your mum still contacting you? Second, so very sorry, but I don't understand why this has impacted your relationship with your children and GC. Did you mum somehow manage to turn them against you? If so, my heart aches for you all the more.

Ah Sodapop and what is so wrong with tea and sympathy and plenty of it. Should our common humanity not shine out and go before us. Let us forget the acerbic words and remember that this is a place for caring and support especially the relationship thread where people discuss the cut and thrust of their real lives. We must remember that anyone can be vulnerable at any time and a tough and/or sharp reply may be enough to put a person off entirely from posting any query which could give them some comfort.

We are not all as tough as old boots. "Tread softly etc etc etc (because you tread on on my dreams". From The Clothes of Heaven by WB Yeats).

Dawn

Agnurse
so sorry you too have experience of this awful condition.
I'm sure you will have lots of support on this thread. It seems there are quite a few of us coping with elderly NPD parents.

Hard for those with loving caring parents to understand.

Missfoodlove
Thanks for making me smile. Your post is so funny. I must admit it's a lovely feeling when a parent with NPD loses that power. I actually feel very sorry for my mother as I now realise she has no understanding of how to love or to be loved. I don't think I really understood it myself until I married my husband in 2016. So many wasted years but I now have so very much to be grateful for

My FIL has narcissistic traits. It probably stemmed from his own father (who thought nothing of psychologically abusing his wife, physically abusing all of his children, and committing acts with his daughter that I won't describe here but would have landed him in prison). FIL, sadly, practically worshipped his father and we hear a lot about "St. GFIL of Blessed Memory" (GFIL passed away years before Hubby and I got together).

FIL has financially abused Hubby and me, body-shamed me and our impressionable young daughter, guilt-tripped our daughter so she would contact him, tried to destroy our marriage, and got mad when Hubby finally called him out on his nonsense.

Needless to say, he is Granddad Who We Don't See. I told Hubby that he is free to have any relationship with FIL that he likes, and that I cannot speak for our daughter as she is actually my stepdaughter. But I've made it very clear that I have NO interest in having a relationship with FIL, and that if we are able to have more children, they won't be meeting him. (Hubby agrees with me. He can barely tolerate FIL.)

MIL and FIL divorced many years ago, and MIL remarried. She and SFIL are lovely people and wonderful GPs. I have no issue with them.

I remember what my post said now. Ridiculous to delete it.

It seems we must never express sympathy for the other party in these relationship issues. Why not?

I agree with dragonfly about the poster's over reaction. This an open forum not just here for tea and sympathy. Some people will be able to help others will not. Some people will have strong views and are entitled to their opinions.

Ziggy62. ?

I’ve just returned from the gym, where I take out my frustrations and was so pleased to see you are feeling . more positive.

I remembered a funny story earlier I thought may make a few posters smile.

About six years ago I took my mother to the doctor, at this time she was fully composed mentis.
The doctor checked her over and said you’re fine Mrs S you really are.
I then said well that’s good to hear you will probably outlive me!
My mother responded with I do hope so.
I winked at the poor doctor who looked horrified?.

I was 50 and fully aware of her disorder, I laughed quite hysterically all the way home, much to my mothers chagrin.
You see this was the first time she had been so vitriolic and I hadn’t cared.
It was a real turning point, her power was gone.
Her narcissistic glare bore into me all the way home and I could almost hear her brain whirring trying to compute this new and odd behaviour.

Good afternoon all

GNHQ have decided not to delete thread as there is lots of support on here and I quite agree

Missfoodlove (excellent name lol) Your story is so like my own. I was constantly told "your dad never wanted children, I should have listened to him. I was slim before I had you" My mother also took money from my bag when I was a teenager. I've also been accused of taking all her money after my father died . Which I hasten to add is totally untrue. I really admire your courage. You are an inspiration.

Poppyred I agree it's not easy staying in contact with a cruel mother

Blue60 Thank you for your sensible words, much appreciated

GG65 Thank you, sorry you are also in a similar situation, its not easy

Bordersgirl 57 I have an amazing husband. Without his support I sadly wouldn't be here today. Thank you

Jaycee5 Sorry to hear your experience of NPD and thanks for sensible advice

Maria57 Thanks for your reply, you're right it was quite a coincidence. I'm sure we can support each other. I know what you mean about feeling guilty, it never goes away

Silverlining48 Thank you I too hope one day I will see my children and grandchildren again. I am due to see one of them at a wedding later in the year so we will see what happens

Stella1949 Thank you for your post. My best friend as dementia and was only 53 when diagnosed, not easy

Blondenana Thanks I will try that

Momof3 I'm ok thanks. I need to focus on the helpful advice on here from others in a similar situation

Movingon2018 Thank you. I was upset but I'm ok now. Gotta put my big girl pants on lol

Jallenrix Have checked out Reddit, thank you , very helpful

Wish I could remember what I put in that (now deleted) message at twenty past ten last night. So annoying!

I don't hate you at all, I don't know you and don't hate people anyway

But you have confused me as some statements appear to contradict other statements, sorry.

I hope you can get your thread removed if that is what you wish. Fennel is right, perhaps not the right place as this is on the www.

Over reaction from Ziggy I feel. I feel sorry she is in such a bad place though as I am sure we have all been there.

No hatred from me, that's for sure. As GracesGran says, I don't even know you.

Fennel

many thanks