elderly mother with narcissistic personality disorder

Ziggy click on Report at the top of the your reply and send a message to GNHQ.
I often think these open forums aren't the place for discussion of very personal problems.

is it possible to have this thread removed?

I think this is one of the most confusing and upsetting threads I've ever read on Gransnet.
Thank God I haven't had to experience these hurtful relationships. It's something new to me.
But so sad, because family unity is so important .
Bon Courage Ziggy.

Nobody hates you. We do not know you. What a horrible thing to say.

I think I am in the wrong place

Thanks to all the supportive posts

I'm sure the members who have experienced a parent/family member/partner with NPD will understand just how i'm feeling now.

Didn't expect so much hatred from others

oh and can I request if you have NO experience of a parent with NPD and you just want to cause trouble, please find another thread to destroy.

Goodness! No I don't believe you can. You chose to post on an open forum and now you want to go "no contact" with the majority of its members. Interesting reaction to people not saying what you want to hear.

I certainly didn't want to "cause trouble" or "destroy" this thread and really worry that your view seems to suggest that any one not seeing things from your "NPD" point of view is so vicious.

You mother isn't able to say what she thinks and we don't know why you have lost contact with you own family. The problem is, as I was trying to say previously yours to solve. I am sure there are support groups you could join but that is not, as I understand it, the purpose of GN.

You still have my sympathy and good wishes but your job is surely to learn to live with the things you cannot change and that, however we meet it in life, is difficult. It does seem you are or have been getting help so I cannot see why posting in the way you have was necessary.

Oops! Forgot the x

Mustn't leave that off must we?

I am definitely a real person. (daft comment)

I am often on here for "a bit of fun", but not of the kind you are thinking of.

Thank you. I intend to "have a nice day".

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MovingOn2018 Wed 19-Jun-19 20:34:26

I see a lot of narcissistic traits from some of these posts alone.

I think there's a point being proved there.

It is very interesting the way that some posters have reacted to the OP.
How unpleasant to attack someone who has asked for help.
Callistemon, The OP has gone NC with her mother however if you read the post she states that her mother has found ways to contact her and has clearly created havoc with her family. This is classic behaviour.
Because they can no longer control you directly they do it by influencing those closest to you.

My mother did this with family telling them lies about me to “ divide and rule”
As a child my mother threatened to kill her self if ever I went against her wishes, her favourite expression was “you will be the death of me” This was her evil way of training me to always comply. This again is classic behaviour.
When you have been trained in this way from a young age it is so hard to break away.
I only ever managed it for 12 months.
I caved in because my mother had gone on a huge spree, it was a smear campaign that was very well executed and 13 years on I’m still dealing with the fall out.
All the staff in my mothers home think that she is such a sweet old lady and I have not corrected them, that would be cruel. If I told them the truth I doubt for 1 minute they would believe me and why would they?
You see people don’t believe you because no mother would do such a thing or why would a mother do such a thing.....!
My mother was articulate, clever, attractive, she new exactly how to groom people to always take her side, believe her and be enthralled to her.
I was a young girl with low self esteem, few friends, an abusive father and a bully for a brother, I had no chance.
Thank goodness I saw the light!

thank you so much for the helpful replies, especially those who have unfortunately had experience of NPD. I guess if you have never suffered the trauma of dealing with a mother like mine it's easy to criticise and call me names but heyho I've had that for nearly 58 years so will just ignore those few ignorant folk.

I didn't read all the messages last night as decided it wasn't wise to stay around to read anymore negative comments but will have a good read of the positive comments later

many thanks

oh and can I request if you have NO experience of a parent with NPD and you just want to cause trouble, please find another thread to destroy.

Ziggy62, I’m sorry people have been unkind.

Are you familiar with the Reddit? There’s an entire forum devoted to this topic. I think you would find lots of support and truly helpful advice there.

*ziggy I was referring to the post above mine written by movingon when I said unbelievable not your original post
keep your scissors sharpened and keep cutting her out one bitter post*

What's unbelievable about cutting off an emotionally abusive parent? And how is it "bitter," to suggest this? I don't understand the mindset of people who say -"but that's your mother." So? Does that mean that OE should put up with abuse?

But no one ever tells the abusive parent, -_" but that's your adult child." Again parents are not mini gods and trust me there are some really horrible a abusive parents out there that deserve to be cut off and OP shouldn't be told that she's cruel just because she cut off her NPD emotionally abusive parent whose husband died. Did the death only affect her mother? I mean OP also lost a father in all of this. And his death did not take away her NPD either. It simply just made her a widow with NPD.

So sorry OP. Take care of yourself. Some of these posters are commenting the way they are for they belie that as parents they should never be cut off of their children's lives irrespective of the harm that they may cause.

Hugs! And hope some of these comments didn't stress you out more.

I'm specifically looking for advice from others who are coping with an elderly mother with NPD
So, I went NC in September 2014 just after I met my new husband
Having done this she continues to find ways to contact me and sadly I no longer see my 2 children or my 3 grandchildren.

How is she contacting you, Ziggy - does she phone? Can you change your number and go ex-directory?

I am finding it difficult to grasp, Dawn22 and if it was all clearer, we could perhaps help.

I concur wholeheartedly above with Momof3.
If you have nothing kindly constructive to say; well then say nothing at all.
Take care OP
Dawn

Momof3 I still cannot understand why the OP would wish for advice on coping with an elderly mother who allegedly has NPD if she has cut her out of her life.

I am just

I think there are some very cruel people on this thread who shouldn’t be commenting on a relationships thread and I hope the OP is ok.

I hear what you are saying Mawbroonsback, but to echo what Misslovefood said, for some people, NPD is very real and not just some buzzword.
It depends if it is pathological or used as a loose definition of certain personality traits.

I hear what you are saying Mawbroonsback, but to echo what Misslovefood said, for some people, NPD is very real and not just some buzzword.

Ziggy62, there are some very good sites out there for those who have loved ones with personality disorders. They offer guidance and support whether you are ‘no contact’ or not. You will find greater understanding there. If you want to know the site, let me know and I will send you a message.

It seems to me that we cannot form an opinion about the elderly mother. It also seems a little odd that the children have reacted the way they have too.
I agree, and that's why I wondered if this same psychiatrist had made an actual diagnosis of NPD when the OP took her mother (who had perhaps been recently bereaved?) to see her privately.

Missfoodlove Your mother sounds a lot like my father. I had the 'golden child/scapegoat' problem too. His favourite saying was 'why can't you be like your sister' which I got repeatedly. She grew up comparing herself favourably to others which hasn't really done her any favours. He gave my toys away when I was 10 (my sisters weren't touched) but would lecture us on respect for other people's property. I cut contact at 19 after I had left home although I did see him once more after that. I know that by doing so I have given him what he wanted as he made it clear that he could not see the point of more than one daughter. People who haven't had to deal with it will never understand.
Ziggy62 Ignore people who are making spiteful comments. Some people just enjoy doing that and you are not the only one who has had it here.
There is nothing cruel about protecting your own mental health. Parents do have a choice as to whether they are kind or not. It can destroy other relationships because it is can be very focused on one person and so other's don't see it. You do have your relationship with your new husband to protect and trying to deal with your mother could well mean that you are too focused on that.

very in fact.

Did you take your mother to see a psychiatrist after your father died, then, when your father died, cut your mother out of your life? That doesn't sound very empathic to me. Did this psychiatrist diagnose that your mother has NPD?

Presumably your children and grandchildren are in touch with your mother as she tries to regain contact with you through them (if I have read this correctly) and you no longer have contact with them either.
Or does she not see them either?

Why do you want help with coping with her if you have cut her out of your life?

I am

Hear, hear gonegirl
NPD seems to be flavour of the month even when people are cutting off their own noses to spite their faces.