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Feeling quite desperate, can anyone help? I'm 71, partner of 20 years is 70 (both divorced). Nine months ago he moved into my tiny cottage (two up, two down), having lived with parents he cared for till they died and their house was sold. He was particularly close to his dad who died in September and constantly mourns his loss. At the time I was reluctant to let this happen as I felt it would be an imposition and there wasn't enough room for both of us, and although I tried to put it nicely, I did tell him I felt it wasn't a good idea. However I was basically bullied into letting him come as he told me it was his time of need and he would have done the same for me and that was what any partner should do. He also told me it was only temporary - first till Xmas and then till he sorted out his father's financial affairs and received his (considerable) legacy. Then my own dear mother (aged 95 and previously very independent) was diagnosed with advanced dementia (very sudden and shocking onset) and needs 24 hour care. So he offered to stay on in the house and give me rent money every month, to help out with her costs (I am working but have a low income which I need to live on and mother's resources are rapidly dwindling). I was feeling more and more uncomfortable with his presence (he is home basically 24/7 and doesn't work) but since I was thrown by the new situation it seemed that might be a solution. He is very fond of my mother and has been generous in the past towards her and also me. However, I am now quite desperate. He is becoming increasingly controlling and I feel it is hardly my own home any more. He takes it into his head to get my builder to do repairs and painting I didn't ask for, and although he is admittedly good at looking after things in some respects, my bedroom is a chaotic mess with his clothes and suitcases piled up there, and the loft full of things from the old family home which he never even looks at. Additionally my mother's garage is full to the brim with his stuff and when I ask if it will be cleared I get shouted at for even mentioning it and told it's not doing anyone any harm, which I suppose is true. He has even taken control of the cat (who he loves) and feeds him day and night, against my will, so the cat is getting rather obese! You may note that I say 'my bedroom ' - that's because since he came to stay he has taken up residence on the downstairs sofa (there is only one small living room) where he sits all day and sleeps all night. We rarely have any physical contact, and whenever I mention that things are not at all as they were in that department, he says it's because I am so unfriendly and never make any attempt to offer any warmth. And it's true, I feel I am turning into a bitch in the house, since I feel cramped, claustrophobic and taken over in every respect. Even when I go to make a cup of tea, he goes into the kitchen at the same time so we almost trip over each other. If I express any irritation he gets very angry and tells me not to make such a fuss as he's not in my way, and that I am rude and disrespectful. If I try to address the problem, he tells me it's all because I have refused to make space for him and that's he's not getting anything like his money's worth and I should let him buy a big wardrobe (the bedroom is small enough as it is) and clear the loft (I need it for my own storage) so he can keep his things there. I then feel very bad and guilty as know I could be doing more to make him feel at home, and be less aggressive - but that would make an intolerable situation even more permanent. And now, to cap it all, he doesn't seem to be paying me any money at all so I am covering all the bills, council tax and general expenses and he has no responsibility for anything, other than when he chooses to give a handout. I have tried to ask him about this, and he gets very angry and tells me he has paid enough over the years (taking me on holiday and paying for things) so I actually owe him money, and also paid for painting and repairs in the house etc and then asks if I'm only wanting him there for his money. He also says that if I 'throw him out' he'd never have anything to do with me or my mother again and that I'd be mad to 'look a gift horse in the mouth' and mum and I would be in a terrible position financially and otherwise, because of everything he does for us. I fear indeed that would be the case. He has also threatened he would take me to court to pay back what I owe him according to what he has given out. Since these were gifts not loans I believe he would not have a case, but he could make life very difficult for me. I really feel that having been in a long relationship, which has had many good, loving parts, he is a stable factor in my life and maybe there is too much to lose and that it would be ultimately destructive to both of us to make him go (even if I could find the means to do so). And I should make more effort to be loving and at peace with the situation - after all we are both getting on in life and have a while history to draw on. I also know that he would certainly come to my aid if anything happened - when my mother had cancer, and I had a car accident, he was there for us. I myself have no one (an only child with no children - he has a son and grandchildren who I get on well with but they live abroad). My mum was always a support to me and there for me but now she has dementia I have responsibility for her and don't know how I can give up what is now my only means of support. I am at my wit's end trying to decide what to do, I feel I can't just tell him to leave as he would do everything possible to make me feel terrible and indeed I don't know if it would be right to do that, especially with him in such a state about his father. In many ways he both need each other but are either silent, joyless and distant with each other or talking about external things like the tennis or food, or shouting and rowing. I'd dearly love to be able to have a proper honest conversation but it is not a possibility - I have tried but my words get misconstrued till my head gets in a whirl and I am unable to express what I wanted. He would not contemplate any counselling as he maintains there's nothing wrong and that I am thinking too much and should just let go a bit and see how things are. I often wonder if that's true, but I am feel so stressed and unhappy. There seems to be no life plan but I don't know if I am right to expect or ask for one. If anyone has any words of wisdom I would appreciate them,
What ever you do do not let him pay for the care. You can borrow money for care against the value of your mum's flat. When it gets down to £23000 the council will pay for the care. If you let him pay you will be beholden to him for ever.
Get him out, with legal advice, and soon. Or he may claim Tenants Rights!!! Happened to my son, with ex girlfriends family. They came to stay, for only a couple of weeks. Struggled to get them out.
I think I’d be speaking to a Solicitor, finding a way to get him out for a while and changing locks. Pack a bag for him and when he has an address you will send his stuff on. Been in similar situation.
How’s it going SJ23? Lots of people cheering for you here 
You are all brilliant and all so right. Thanks for giving me such strength and support.
"Also he constantly reminds me that I should have thought of this earlier"
Typical useless reaction from this man. Ask him why he didn't think "earlier" about organising a home of his own while his parents were alive. He's just so predictable in his bullying; in the way he's leaning in for the kill now he sees you and your mum are cornered. He's an expert gaslighter, undermining your faith in your own thought processes. He knows how to press your insecurity buttons so well.
Tell him straight out that a loan from him of this nature would result in a massive imbalance of power in your relationship that you don't feel will be good for either of you.
Give him two months to move out.
If he hasn't found somewhere in that time, tell him "he should have thought of that earlier".
For goodness sake? Just say it’s not working and you want him to leave. End of. What’s the worst that can happen, he can take offence and the relationship finished, which would be preferable to what you have.
You are wavering now SJ23 and finding another excuse to keep him in your life If you accept money off him as a loan, that’s it, you will never get him off your back
NhS has Continuing Care funds that does include funding Alzheimer’s it started just before my mum died worth asking about that
If you truly want this man out your life then find another way to fund your Mum
The sooner you can get this bloke out, the sooner you will be able to focus on the issues regarding your mum and find a solution that won't leave you in horrible debt. Accepting a loan from him would be like walking into a spider's web. Please don't go for it. Get him out.
He's a bully. Is there a male friend or relative that could give you some support whilst trying to get him out? I was bullied for 20 years and the end was hard, but at last I felt free and hope for the future. Do it girl. You're stronger than you think. Good luck.
definitely don't take a loan from him, he's offering it not because he wants to help you but because he wants to tie you in to him and get as much leverage over you as possible
This man is a horrible controlling bar-steward ?
Whatever he says just let it wash over you and don't take it to heart, it's all about maneuvering and manipulating you to get what he wants.
I hope you get good advice here you could also try posting on Mumsnet it's busier and there seem to be more members who are clued up on how to make a plan and get rid of the bar steward.
The man is a complete asshole you need to kick him to the curb ?
SJ23,
I wholeheartedly agree with advice on here.
Give him a deadline for leaving, don't listen to anymore nonsense from him & please, please, please don't take a loan from him,
I know you have no relatives, but, surely you must have friends or can you speak to CAB or Woman's Aid. think about it it's your home, tell him it's time to go, remind him it was only temporary, yet it's becoming permanent.
Start leaving property leaflets around the house, he probably bullied his parents & is now bullying you.
Again as said talk to the Police for advice, tell them you want him to leave & can someone be there when you tell him, have a locksmith ready in order that once he's out change the locks.
Triciax
My penny's worth is that you should take the advice given by Gransnetters asap and give him notice without delay. Accepting a loan from him to fund your Mum's care would put you in an extremely vulnerable/dangerous position.
The situation is now clouded as mum is nearing the end of her available funds for care. I am applying for help from her local Council but they will only pay towards her 24 hour care, not all of it (she is in her own flat where she is very happy, but needs constant care - however is not bad enough to qualify for her full needs being met as she is comparatively mobile- I have looked into all this very carefully). He has said he will pay for the care but this is only a loan and he will be repaid when she passes away and her flat gets sold - the flat is not worth much so I could end up in a lot of debt to him and also beholden to him and tied up financially. Also he constantly reminds me that I should have thought of this earlier and made provision for her or got a job with a pension (I have none but the State pension) and I feel there would be another power/control issue here. As I posted originally, I have no relatives who might help. There seems no end to this conundrum and mum is in good health physically apart from the dementia. So all this is adding to the stress.
Yes indeed sometimes you can talk things round in too many circles. Thanks.
This is a sobering tale and I'm so glad you managed to see it through to the other side. Mine is not such a catastrophic mate but I can see the similarities of being caught up in a terrible situation. Thanks.
I've been very interested to read all the comments here. I'm sure that a lot of delving into 'psychological' issues is worth while - up to a point. But this can also cloud the situation somewhat.
Whatever other things there are to consider, SJ23 wants this man gone.
She's unhappy. He's crowding her space, and making her life miserable. (She may love him still, but she certainly doesn't like him.)
That's the bottom line!
So get him gone, SJ! After a few months all the other bits and bobs of worries will be sorted out. Then, you can take a deep breath, relax, and start planning your life again (with or without him).
Slipping back to 'psychology' ... Some advice I heard years ago, which has stood me in good stead - and may help clarify man/woman relationships for many. Ask yourself, "If this man were a woman, would she be my best friend?"
Simple!
DD2 was in this kind of relationship. He was lazy, living off her - not working - too "clever to work in Aldi, Lidl - both taking on staff) , taking drugs, letting dogs poo in garden, rats . mice weeds chest height, needing me to buy food etc, she pregnant and taking dogs out lifting poo even when waters broke, him drugged in alleyway when she gave birth ( I was with her to see my beautiful grandson come into this world). Breaking point - came to see baby as DD staying with us - had pleasant visit then at end asked for her bank card - said no became abusive - no food in house (untrue as when we went to house bacon, eggs, soup, pasta there). DD had to phone bank that evening and explain and change card details etc very stressful with new baby who is breast fed. Ushered to door and having already visited Woman's Aid felt forced into DD visit next day with back up and asked him to leave by ... o'clock. DD and baby stayed with us and my son and his fiancee went with me twice to DD house (owned by her but debt due to his drugs) to check he was gone - not first time but went to neighbours second time (was doing his laundry). Got locksmith to change locks as emergency - locksmith said this happens a lot. Sadly this happened on his first Father's Day but was forced into it by him demanding her card. That was the tipping point - after debt, drugs, filth, not attending birth, depression, his debt - having the nerve to ask for her bank card. Also having a dependant beautiful baby made her realise absolutely what her priorities were. A year on and with a huge amount of work from DH and our SIL house and garden are now lovely for DD and DGS. DD back at work and DGS toddling about enchanting everyone. It has taken a year, caused heartbreak, weight loss, mental stress but we are emerging from the other side. DD is flourishing into the young woman she used to be. DH is regaining weight and toddler is enchanting. It won't be easy - hope you have some trusted friends that can help you through this as well as Women's Aid but you truly deserve better for when you retire xxx
Re-reading gives me such strength. Yes, a damaged and emotionally immature man with some definite personality disorders sums him up. That's why it is so difficult to hate - and I wouldn't want to end up exhibiting the kind of hatred and bitterness that he so often displays
It is, and would be, really helpful to know from those of you who have done it the exact tipping point where you Know (rather than decide intellectually) that 'enough is enough' and then what you actually do and say to ensure there is a change. So much of the advice centres on the behaviour of the other person, and deciding that it is unacceptable, but the actual crucial process of freeing yourself is what eludes me.
My dear, dear 'friends' if that's what I can call you. I am so overwhelmed by the interest and advice and kindness I have had from you all. I hadn't actually seen the latest conversations amongst you about my situation, and am so very grateful that you have taken it on board and it obviously rang some bells with some of you.
I have indeed followed up with some counselling, though TBH it is not so helpful as some of your own comments, and can only go so far. I have also gone to a specialist organisation concerned with Women's Aid and am getting help from them. I am aware that this is indeed a specialised form of emotional and psychological abuse from a narcissist, though I am also reluctant to take refuge in labels because there is always something more subtle going on - and it's as much to do with myself inviting and condoning his behaviour as what he actually does. Certainly, I'm going through the most painful conflict because I did and probably still do love this man (yes, Stockholm syndrome) and remember all the genuine strong feelings I had for him and wanting to make him happy (mistake, I know!!) - and the generous and loving things he did for me too. But along with that is the knowledge that this is exactly what happens with such a Jekyll and Hyde character (his own mother pointed out that's what he was!) and they can switch to being a monster when they don't get their way or are being opposed and seem to have no real ability to empathise or compromise.
So, I do admit that sadly I am still battling with the situation, and more than that, with my own inner fight which is not at all resolved. If I could just think of him as a 'bad' person and hate his guts, then it would be easy (well, maybe not so easy!) to chuck out his stuff and change the locks - but unfortunately I still have moments when I ask myself if I could have done more and most of all, would like to reach a reasonable agreement that ensured he left the house rather than end it all on a screaming match or calling the police. But my attempts to discuss anything only result in him calling me crazy for wanting a change and then shutting me down and refusing to talk about it. Utter frustration! So sorry I have nothing more positive to report but I am going to re-read everything you have written and thank you with all my heart, in the hope that something may shift soon.
I have only just returned to this thread and tillybelle thank you very much for the extremely kind words you have said about me One thing I do have to correct is I ve never had ‘a husband with a horrible disease that could not help his behaviour’ I think you have muddled that bit up with another poster on here I had two husbands and neither had any illnesses whilst with me
Now about the Stockholm Syndrome correct me if I m wrong but isn’t that more about when a captive grows to ‘love’ their captor probably from a very basic instinct to stay alive I can’t speak for the original poster but certainly in my case I fell in love with the man BEFORE he moved in and became the ultimate controller, it was my soft (I hope kind) personality that allowed it to continue too long and although it bugged me the amount of things he did without asking me or even discuss with me I didn’t want to hurt him by telling him that as they were always done ‘to make me happy’ or ‘ to help me’ so I managed to bury all the things he did and although in the back of my mind I knew it was a complete control thing I chose not to tackle it until I got to the end of my tether and then I did I have a feeling SJ23 is at that stage now
Yes I too would like to know how you are now is he still there SJ23?
Give him a week to pack up his things and get out. Put it in writing and save a copy for yourself. This man is a leech who is using and bullying you.
SJ23 I am sure I’m not alone in wondering how you are and if you have managed to improve your situation. Thinking of you.
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