Step grandparenting

I really don't think there is any ill will behind this. When I refer to my DD and SIL's house, I always call it DD's house. When his parents refer to it, they call it SIL's. We don't mean anything by it. It's a mouthful to say "so &so and so & so's house"

Witchypoo - how sad for you. Could they not atleast for their father's sake visit you and check how you are doing. I have to say. My ex husband's new wife is included in everything - much to my annoyance. My d.i.ls seem to be very fond of her...oh well

Witchypoo

How sad for you, what a dreadful way to treat someone who raised you

I think because you’re a step granny, you’re more sensitive to their remarks

My grandchildren always say Grannies house, or Granny bought me this, but as someone said previously, it’s a bit of a mouthful to keep saying Granny and Grandpa.

Witchypoo your post is beyond sadness, I am so sorry, I ache for you.

I have to wonder why some of these situations have not been addressed by the parent.

If you are married to someone whose adult children ignore you or treat you with disrespect, why isn't their father/mother telling them this is not acceptable?

I can understand this may mean a fear of estrangement but surely loyalty to a spouse is important?
It doesn't have to be said in anger, just pointing out that such cold actions are not worthy of them or fair on the person they are punishing.

That's incredibly sad Witchypoo. How very selfish of them all. Perhaps you're better off without people like that in your life?

Dear Semiruralgirl, it can be upsetting but I think you need to think ‘oh oh’ and then forget it.

I married a widower 23 years ago, and some relations of his late wife are still slightly resentful of me. His adult children are great as are his grandchildren, we get on very well.

The people currently making possessive noises about our house, etc, are some distant in laws!

I have learned to ignore thoughtless comments and generally speaking dont get upset. I used to, but now after reading so many helpful, thoughtful and at times absolutely sad posts on Gransnet, I’ve realised that some in-laws, etc, are not worth any of my thinking time at all. Sticks and stones etc .... ! ??

I am step mum to 3 adult stepchildren and experience the same as semiruralgirl. I am rarely acknowledged. All remarks questions are directed at my husband (their father) even though we have been married for nearly 20 years. On the surface we all get on fine. I have 2 adult children and also 4 grandchildren. At one time I looked at the whole situation with slightly “rose coloured glasses” thinking we would all be one big happy family but that will never happen. When the steps come to visit, sometimes all together with partners and a step grand child which involves a lot of organising and catering as they all live away from us, there is never a bunch of flowers or small gift of thanks. I just keep quiet in the interests of harmony with my husband. It may be because they have their own mum to see too. My husband also doesn’t notice, I suppose because all the chat involves him anyway

I am step mum to 2 AC who are nearly as old as me and step-gran to 4DGC aged 21 21 18 and 15 they all visit Dad's Granpa's (even though our home is actually mine from pre our marriage) but they phone /text me not Dad/ Granpa Im called by my first name The main thing is we all have good relationships and they know I love Dad/Granpa and them It would be nice to get a card that said step.... on my birthday or mothers day but hey ho Mum /Gran is still alive and I think that makes a difference

Thank you so much everyone for your kind replies, what comes over is we all lead very different lives, and some of us are perhaps more sensitive or lacking self esteem than others! I must admit that when I wrote this, it was immediately after their visit, we’d had a family party, and some of the family had stayed on for a few days, all the organising etc had left me exhausted, but a day or two later, I’m reviving, getting back to normal, and all the ‘grans’ interesting replies are both comforting and thought provoking. This is the first time I have written to an online forum, and it’s good to know there are so many caring people out there wanting to comment.

My house, my car is a Yorkshire thing, I think. DH does it all the time, so does his brother. On the other hand this house (down south) has always been Granny's house. I don't think DH has ever even noticed. (Wondering if there is any point to this post....)

Witchypoo, How very sad for you.

I KNOW that should pass my husband away before me his DS and GC would never see me again. Don’t get me wrong we have never had a falling out and we ‘get on’ but I am only his father’s wife whilst his Mother and MIL are still around. Fortunately I have 3 fantastic ACs, and GCs so I am not going to be alone and it won’t hurt so much.

Just shout out... "oye you lot I do my bit you know"!! Its called self-respect. The fact is they should know and show due respect. It will not be with malice from them, but it obviously bothers you and that, as far as I am concerned, is enough.
I never go along with the brush matters aside attitude. For me, that means progress is not healthily made. YOu are no less a person by virtue of being a STEP anything. You do your bit and have done... just introduce the subject by your response... "Hey, I do exist"!!!

I am with grandyma. The only thing that should count is your relationship with each one in your step family. If they are kind and include you in the conversation then all is well.

I used to refer to visiting my grand parents as going to granny’s even though my granddad was and still is (years after his passing) in my eyes the most wonderful person in the world - my idol.
It was just that my granny was very active and dominant (in a lovely way)... and it is a mouthful to say both names all the time.
I have step children and GC and I would not flinch at the fact that they refer to my DH and myself as ‘Granddad’s’
Yes YABU.

My dh & I have been together for 25 years, married for 20. I have 2 dc who have given me 2 dgc between them. My dh has always been referred to by his first name by all of the dc and dgc. This is out of respect for their Df who sadly died before the dgc were born. He is a fantastic step person but everything is Grandyma’s house/garden/everything!! My dh has no problem whatsoever with this and they all adore him!! I wouldn’t feel comfortable with him being called dad/grandad - he really isn’t and he agrees wholeheartedly. Surely it’s about the love/relationship you have not about who owns what!! Don’t be upset, it’s not important ?

I have the opposite! My husband tells our dgs grandma bought you this/that or tells our ds or dil mums got you this/that. It drives me mad! I say pops did as well not just me!

Very sorry witchypoo that must be so hurtful.

Just be grateful that they visit and enjoy the company.
I had a step grandmother, but my grandfather had died, as had my other two grandparents To my parents and I she was known as Lulu and as a child I was unaware of her status. To me she was just a friend, although she always brought me nice gifts. She was invited to visit about twice a year. We never went to hers. It was only after she died when I was about eighteen that I discovered that she was the only grandparent I had ever known, sad for both of us as she had no natural children.

Next time one of them says "Grandpa's house" I would say, "You know it's mine too, as we bought it together".

I honestly don't think these expressions are being used because you are less important than your husband is, but there is really no reason why you should just let expressions that annoy you pass.

But handle it lightly.

Same for me I feel your hurt & exclusion xxxxxx

The fact is that your stepsons have all been connected to their father since birth (although I do understand that you may well have been in their lives since their childhood), so I think for them to talk of "Dad's house/car/garden etc" is understandable. The stepsons' partners and children will quite naturally use the same terms.

So I agree with Amagran - it's understandable, and shouldn't upset you. If their behaviour towards you is generally loving and warm, then forgive them their sloppy terminology!

It's very upsetting and I sympathise. But, and this is a nasty thought: has money and inheritance something to do with this? I find that money matters bring out the worse in people.

my GC all call this Granny's house and its granny's this that and the other .I think its normal for them to do that if its their grandpa they see most nothing to worry about

Julie, I agree with NotSpag, don't leave your hurt in writing. Only write happy things, like what you have been up to in the garden, how lovely the weather is, a nice trip to the park, walking with your dog, nice film on TV which you enjoyed... and if they have done anything which made you happy then say so. Don't let your diary be just a list of recriminations, even if in revenge. Your words will be passed on to children and grandchildren, and may be "Granny Julies much loved diary" for generations. If it is nasty somebody will just bin it and they will badmouth you for ever!