Welcome to provide childcare but not welcome at milestone events

Perhaps your ex daughter in law didn't realise your son hadn't invited you. For whatever reason you weren't invited you're wise not to say anything.

As you are regular helpers with childcare and the inlaws are not (for whatever reason) maybe exDIL thought it would even things up a bit for her parents to attend this event. I also think ‘graduating from kindergarten ‘ is hardly a major milestone in their school career. Hold your fire Santanana!

This is the first time I've posted on here and I'm overwhelmed by the advice! One thing for sure - I've decided to keep my mouth shut. Thanks for the tips on how to approach things like this in the future also. I really appreciate it.

I'd be miffed as well. To say the least. However I wouldn't say anything. It could all end in tears.

Did your son not give an invite to you? Somehow xdil gave an invite to her parents. Maybe she had hope to see them with the children.

I was really only invited to events such as school concerts and plays if the parents could not go, as they both often work late. Those I went to I really enjoyed. There were many events I did not attend, but that's life. Don't stress about it.

If empathy helps, I've never been invited to anything.
I used to feel sorry for myself but I am rather resigned now and just take it as it comes.

Other GP are childminding now while we have their dog. The dog is adorable.

At least I can watch wimbledon and get on with my knitting without having to change nappies.

You have my greatest sympathy. We are in a similar position and care for our lovely granddaughters 3 full days each week whilst the other grandparents only want to see them for special events and won't commit to caring for them regularly. Best not to say anything methinks.

That last sentence came out wrong! I meant that, although my DILs and I get along (I've learned where the boundaries are), I have never tried to be in their friends' circles.

Being the mother of sons shouldn't mean that you're thought of any less than the mother of daughters. I'm so fed up of the stereotyping of mothers-in-law. I could write a book about the injustices I've been made to feel at the hands of my DILs but prefer to follow the philosophy that it says much more about them than it does me. As my sister said to me 'you'll never be friends with your DILs', but I wasn't even trying to be. I was just being me!ps I would go to the moon and back for my darling GDs!

Annoying. But I wouldn't make a fuss. Not worth a family feud. Maybe next time you could ask how an event went and then just add that you would love to go along sometime if possible.

My DD always invites me to all the events but DIL has never once invited me. In fact I find out when pics are put on Facebook, and not just about events but hospital admissions too. They visit about once a month with the GC

It's upsetting but try not to dwell on it. Just enjoy your grandchildren and the close relationship you have with them. I wouldn't bring it up in a confrontational way but maybe just say something like, how lovely I hope you all enjoyed it, how did dgc react to it an sdo you have any photos?

Good advice, Mumofmadboys.

I wouldn’t say anything as theres nothing to be gained by it. But yes I would feel a bit hurt I’d just enjoy the time I had with my grandchildren regardless how often I looked after them

We have the same thing Santanana . We just enjoy the grandchildren when we have them and try to ignore the stuff that goes on whilst we are not around. Take comfort in the fact that at least you do still see the GCs some people don’t even have that pleasure.
Also remember you are not on your own with the situation- best wishes x

My grandson graduated from nursery, I’ve got the graduation photos to prove it, and yes, Camelotclub, in the UK!

And slightly off topic, who ever heard of children graduating for kindergarten?! Is this the US?

It is my understanding that if parents are divorced or separated, then schools, nurseries and other childcare settings and activities are obliged to send out information to both sets of parents individually. Perhaps your son should investigate why this is not the case, then he would have known as much detail about this event as his ex wife!

I would keep quiet, my son and DIL divorced and we do similar to you but understand it’s always going to be her parents first. I look at it that we are lucky to be included in their lives as lots if grandparents of estranged families are not.

Since the parents are divorced, I'd guess that your ex DIL looks after her parent's invitations to events, and your son is expected to look after his family's invitations. You might be providing child care for both parents benefit, but at the end of the day they are divorced so don't expect the ex DIL to include you in anything. Talk to your son if you want to go to things.

You are keeping close ties with your grandchildren by doing this child care - keep it up and enjoy the children. Don't let yourself get upset about these perceived problems about "graduations" etc - we all walk on eggshells , especially when there is a divorce situation. Paste a smile on your face and say " how lovely ! Do you have some pictures ?" And leave it at that.

I am fortunate indeed to be fully involved in my grand daughters lives and attend all events but as I am often told last minute I check the schools weekly bulletin online to know what’s coming up.
Most schools have these now,perhaps you could check at least you would know about events and could subtly broach the date of sports day ,concerts etc ?

I would say "how lovely I didn't know they were doing that. Can you send me some photos please" Then add that if any spare tickets for any event came up you would be delighted to go if at all possible. Make sure you are upbeat no matter how you feel. These events are often posted on school websites and their Twitter pages so you could keep an eye on those. "I see such and such is happening...are grandparents allowed to go?"

This all seems to be a new thing, I can’t remember dragging my parents, or in-laws along to any school things, my mother in law once came to a school play where one of my daughters had a leading part, I can’t think of another occasion

Say nothing. You will find this is the best course in the long run. You are lucky to still have so much time with your grandchildren and you mustn't do anything to curtail that. It is never wise comparing yourself and the other grandparents, I have found to my cost. I now accept that the other grandmother gets precedence for everything and if I let it upset me I would be very miserable.