How to get husband out of the rut

My mum started to vegetate when she was about 73, hung around all day in her dressing gown and pretended to be old. I can't remember how long it took but she did revert to normal and lived an active life until she was 92. All in the mind, she admitted.

Well I'd tell him no more bedroom activity until he got off his arse and helped out a bit during the day. He's just got into a comfortable (and lazy) pattern. I could be that he's afraid of hurting his shoulder again but not using it isn't helping his joints and muscles either. Give him an ultimatum!

Many of these circumstances are brought about by the psychological condition that a person develops following any trauma, and I have become convinced over the years that anyone can develop that psychology in stressful circumstances

I am sure you are right Grandad I can relate to that.

Several illnesses, one after another, floored me and incapacitated me. The drugs didn't help either as weight gain was a result of taking them. That and enforced inactivity after several operations. I lost all faith in myself for years even though I was formerly extremely active, busy, and could multitask/juggle situations with no problems.

I just didn't think I could be laid so low, so I sort of gave up on myself and my abilities. I stagnated and that delayed any recovery. All mental really but frightening. I'd been floored and felt defeated. The arrival of our first grandchild proved to be the spark that lit the flame and gradually I pushed myself. Before that I hadn't.

I suspect Grandtante's husband was shocked but also had the opportunity to switch off for a change, to be an invalid for a while and let his injury define him and from there it's hard to move up a gear if there is a bit of a mental block. Years can go by and being in a 'weakened state' (although he isn't) becomes a new way of life.

He maybe needs fewer people to lean on, to give him a bit of incentive to strive again? (I may be writing complete bollocks. I don't profess to understand what makes us tick! )

Leave the jobs and start going out and enjoying yourself. That might make him sit up and realise what's been happening.

Back last year my company was asked by an employer to carry out what is known as an employment role compatibility interview with a female employee who had undergone surgery for a hip replacement.

The employee was in her fifth month off work, and in line with the OPs, husbands case had consigned herself to the couch since the surgery. During the interview, the employee stated she could not build any confidence in her artificial hip and therefore did not feel she could move very far.

The situation was also causing problems in her relationship with her husband, and her employer had stated that unless she was able to return to work in the next four weeks, they would commence dismissal procedures on the grounds of her situation had become incompatible with her role in the company.

When we informed her of the action her employer would in all likelihood take, that proved to be the catalyst required to get her into a further round of physiotherapy and psychological therapy.

Her husband was fully supportive throughout that stage of her recovery as he soon began to witness her improvement, and together, they began to engage in daily walks, which gradually gained in length.

She returned to full working six weeks later, which was quite an achievement when considered against the situation she was in when first we interviewed her.

Many of these circumstances are brought about by the psychological condition that a person develops following any trauma, and I have become convinced over the years that anyone can develop that psychology in stressful circumstances.

However, this was a good outcome for all, as the person involved was just fifty-five years of age.

Get a couple of good looking blokes in to do some jobs around the house and make a BIG show of asking Mr Couch potato if he is alright IN FRONT OF THEM and would he like you to chew his food for him...

Every other day do the cooking for him. On the other days tell him he has to do it or starve, even if its only beans on toast. When he has got to grips with this simple activity, then add on other jobs for that day. On these days of his activity you go out, even if it means sitting in the library eating your sandwiches. Do tell him where you are going just do it. Seems a bit unusual, but believe me it works. Good luck

I'd tell him he will be sitting around all day with no choice once he goes into his old age home!

Someone said that to me in the course of the conversation and it made me think. I like sedentary pastimes - I am always engaged in something - but none involve much movement. The thought of having no choice but to be in a chair all day, immobile, scares me, so I now incorporate much more into my day, even if it's only housework. <pulls face>

Jolt him out of his complacency. Tell him, one day he'll be stuck in his chair, if he lives that long. He is going to age with inactivity alone! (It might make him think. He is still a youngish man - not even retirement age yet.)

My husband and i shared cooking, shopping, housework, gardening he always washed up saying he found it theraputic. Then we had his 65th birthday. It was a saturday and he worked a half day. I picked him up from work when we got home he sat down and never really moved again. He got dementia refused to eat in his last six months and died aged 75 weighing very little and looking skeletal. He never did a thing once he became 65 he said thats it i have retired. Unfortunately i couldnt retire as i had to do everything. Men have a completely different take on getting old i think. It was very hard and i still miss him like crazy

Grandmablue .... please believe that you have every choice, to live the life that YOU want to live, it s not all about him, gone are the days where women have to “obey” and put up with mental or any other type of abuse. Where is his respect for you ? We are only here once remember, so please focus on yourself and build a wonderful life for yourself, with or without him.

Not that the last paragraph pertains to you 25Avalon.
That was a general observation.

25Avalon
A broken collar-bone 2 years ago does not mean he can't walk. He's not a child. Why do wives or partners have to 'encourage' their men to do simple things around the house or tidy up or get their own meals...?
He's not an invalid.
Gordon Bennett. Between being a doormat, looking after GCs for the better part of a week, being a dogsbody for AC, lending money and babying husbands who veg out...I think today's women need to get a grip and take their lives back as some of you clearly aren't happy with the status quo.

One of my children broke their collarbone and pelvis in a sporting accident but went back to work in a matter of weeks. Not all people veg out watching Netflix or similar after an accident. It depends on your outlook. Being proactive and positive reaps rewards in terms of health and mental wellbeing.
I hope you find a solution.

Try nagging. The tried and tested method.

grandtanteJE65, for many years, I have worked in Industrial safety, and the symptoms/behaviour your husband is exhibiting is not unusual for any person (man or woman) following a severe accident.

In cases such as described, it is often the psychological fear of a similar incident occurring that makes a person withdraw from any activity that could bring about any such circumstance again. In such a contingency remedial action typically includes both physiotherapy on the limbs or other parts of the body affected by the incident, and psychological therapy carried out by professional persons.

The above in almost all cases bring about an outcome that allows the affected person to resume a normal healthy life (or as near normal as any chronic physical injury will allow). However, in the vast majority of cases, we deal with, there is the incentive within the person affected by the accident to return to work, which is often well supported by an employer.

In such circumstances should the person who incurred the injury not fully comply with the remedial action recommended, then that person can face disciplinary action by the employer which can lead to dismissal from his or her employment. The forgoing make for a strong incentive to comply as loss of any social security benefits can the result from non-compliance, and a reduction in the financial amount eventually paid of any claim the person may have against the employer

The reason I point out the above grandtanteJE65, is that I feel you have to bring similar pressures to bear on your husband if he is to return to having a full healthy life. You do not state if he was working at the time of the accident, but I am assuming he was not. Therefore to seek outside professional advice by way of your GP could be a first step, as the lifestyle, he is now living will in time (in all probability) bring about other medical issues.

Hope this helps.

Thanks for all the good suggestions. Taking the fuse out of the TV plug is no good; Danish plugs don't have fuses!

Unfortunately, we can't afford help in the house or garden, but the other suggestions are certainly worth considering.

My husband is the same ... he works but had major surgery 3 years ago. He does nothing. Except if it suits him. He has turned into a rude person and I don’t like him. I work very long hours and dread going home, he can make a mess in a shoebox. Clothes just everywhere, tissues, he covers his wound daily and leaves bits everywhere. If I ask him to do anything he says ‘ he won’t do sniff he’s told’ but if I don’t tell him he doesn’t do it. We argue constantly and as for the bedroom ... forget it... HE decided my sex life finished at 49! I have no choice ....

Many would I am sure like to be in your shoes with a 'bedtime active' husband of your husbands age. So why not get someone to do the jobs you would be doing and H could be doing and make the most of it while it lasts.

My husband didn't seem to do much about the house but now he can't do anything I realise how much he actually did .He is the opposite of your OH and is immobile on Oxygen 16 hours a day and breathless after a few steps.Could you not suggest a few days away by coach and then he would mix with other people.

I used to be upset and exasperated trying to get my husband to go out. I would always be the one who decided where to go and made all the arrangements. I longed for him to come up with exciting places for us to visit as we are retired and have spare time. I used to ask him to look on the internet for interesting “What’s On” locally to no avail. I joined the National Trust so we would have places to go and when we did visit places after five minutes he would say “I’ll go outside and wait for you”.

During last year’s heatwave he would watch tv all day. When I urged him to “do something” before the time came when he wouldn’t be able to go out - my pleas fell on deaf ears.

Little did either of us know that catastrophic medical emergencies hid just around the corner.....

A traumatic amputation and terminal cancer diagnosis put paid to us ever going further afield than to hospital or surgery.

I do get him out every day (time is not on our side) but it is a struggle to manage driving, wheelchairs, disabled toilets, access if we want to stop for coffee etc etc etc and for me it is just hard work.

It is now too late to have another holiday together and I am daily reminded of all the things WE cannot do.

It is ironic really - I love getting out and about, went to the theatre, cinema, museums, exhibitions on my own for the past 20 years as he preferred to stay in watching tv but now I am his full time carer and can only manage very brief trips out to meet friends for coffee.

Sorry if I hijacked this thread but hope this will make - mostly wives! - to make the most of the time together - while you have the chance,

He is a mere child. He hasn't even reached retirement age yet.

Think about things that would really inconvenience him and then do not do them so he has to live with the inconvenience or sort it out

Arrange to go out for the day on your own. Tell him you just assumed in his current state he wouldn't want to come and forget to leave appropriate ingredients for lunch in the fridge. If he always has cheese sandwiches, make sure there is no cheese in so that he has to go out to get some. Be gone a really long time so that he gets really hungry. Then when you get home tellhim you feel too tired to cook and will he get something - if nothing elsde he will have to ring for a takeaway, pay for it and walk to the front door to collect it.

I am sure if you get creative you can make life difficult enough for him to have to do something.

These days a broken collarbone is a relatively a minor injury, with or without surgery.
I'd unplug the tv and hide the remote and give him a list of things to do - he can have the remote back once he's finished! There are many things that he can do without having to raise his arms above his head anyway.

Take the fuse out of the tv plug; it will take him a while to find out the reason it doesn't work and make sure there are no other spare fuses in the house anywhere. If he wants to watch tv again he will have to go out and buy some and while he's out there he can take a list of other shopping to get. Now he's done something once, he can do other things- give him a list e.g. prepare a meal, unpack the dishwasher, hoover etc.

If he doesn't do it then you cook for yourself and eat alone. How can you still fancy this man enough to have sex with him when he has no respect for you as he obviously sees you as just his servant. Almost everyone who posts on this site enable people to treat them how they do.

Tell him you are so tired with all you are having to do that you are too exhausted to have sex and all you want to do is sleep. Maybe that will start to shake him out of his lethargy. Seriously it is not good for his health to sit around doing nothing - he needs to do some kind of exercise for his heart. Perhaps you could just get him doing a few small walks and as he gets more exercise he will get more energy and feel like doing things. If he really cannot get moving at all then I think he would be well advised to see a doctor to get this sorted.

That's what I would do too, tell your husband you can't manage all the work on your own so you are going to pay someone to help. I think Urmstongran had a good suggestion about getting out and about as well.