Being talked at rather than talked with

Horton 1828

Ha ha that's so funny if you can all share the load & she's Funny it's bearable!! my mum is 83 but she's ALWAYS been the same so can't make that excuse for her except she's getting worse if that were possible never was funny or interesting & it seems its only me she does it to

Apparently, a family member was most upset when I answered the phone and said 'Are you OK? I haven't got time to chat, I'm just on my way out' then failed to answer my mobile.

I don't want to chat on my mobile when I'm out. That's my choice. They said that yes, they were OK.

Oh, Lord, such a PITA, I don't know what you can do. Such people just don't take hints. A dd has a friend like this - highly intelligent professional but she just never shuts up. She bemoans bitterly the fact of still being single and dd has tried to drop a tactful hint - she knows it has scared men right off - but it's water off a duck's back.

Still, I can't help thinking of the opposite types, where it's like getting blood out of a stone.
There was one ghastly pre Christmas party I didn't really want to go to - dh away and it was a long drive, but they were old friends.

I knew not a soul, except the hosts - who seemed to be permanently busy in the kitchen.

Trying to make conversation with some of these people - oh, Lord!

Me - 'Are you going away for Christmas?'
No.
Me. 'Have you finished your Christmas shopping?'
Yes.
Etc. Etc. No throwing the ball back at all.
Nightmare!

I have a friend who rings to see how I am but all she wants to hear is "Fine, thanks" and then tells me all about herself ....at length.

When I could see 'caller ID' I just let the phone ring.

Now, if she catches me, I press the "audio" button, put the phone on the work bench and go about my business until I hear her say, 'Well, I'll let you go.'
As if she's doing me a kindness when actually she means she wants to go.

I often choose not to answer the phone (they can leave a message) on the basis that the ring sound is only an indication someone has dialled my number, it does not mean I should answer.

I do this if I have a visitor and for 2 reasons:

1. It's disrespectful to my visitor to spend the next whatever time on the phone.
No different, IMHO to messing about with a cellphone when someone is trying to talk to you; an all too prevalent habit these days.

AND

2, I don't want to discuss my personal business, or chat, in front of anyone.

It can be a little disconcerting to a visitor as I let it ring 5 times before the answerphone picks up.

Same with people at the door. The bell rings; it's only a sign that someone has pressed it. It's not a command for me to respond, only a choice. So sometimes I choose not to.

And I don't care if people think I'm as queer as Dick's hatband, I'm old and entitled to my eccentricities.

My lovely neighbour does this all the time, but she is 88 and I do think has earned the right to spout and be listened to. She phones all of us in our close. We really don’t mind and secretly compare the length and content of the call, usually all about the same. But we do love her and her mixed up memories ?

My mum & sister are guilty of this so it's not an option to cut them out completely!! Although if they were friendship I would because life's too short. We're not involved in each others lives too much anyway so that's helpful. I've always been a listener type so that doesn't help. Although I have learnt to interrupt, which is what all my family do, but I hate doing it because to me it's the height of rudeness, but then so is talking about yourself non stop & at 60 I think I've had enough! So that's the dilemma we all find ourselves in & I don't think it helps listening to interviews & debates on TV because the interviewees & so called journalists are the worst offenders even Andrew Marr who I used to like. It doesn't set a good example does it & doesn't bode well for the future too much talking & not enough listening & most of it is drivel anyway

Just interrupt them rudely by saying "I've made my Will at long last - It's divided between Cats Protection and St Twiggywinkles Hedgehog Hospital."

Ha!Ha!Ha!

Hmmm... "a strategy" or strategies... Don't meet up w/ them too often, plan a short visit when you do, end telephone conversations as quickly as possible, communicate (if you have to) mostly by text.

But this may be key...

"I'm the type of person who has never really "put my oar" in, so I tend to just make the usual noises and let them speak. Don't know why, it really annoyed me today, but I'd like a strategy!"

Perhaps, as others have suggested, these two other people feel they need to fill in the "space" you leave in the conversation. But maybe you suddenly felt "annoyed" b/c you're no longer content w/ this. So another strategy may be to put your oar in from now on after all. If it's hard to get a word in, well, I hate to say this, but, interrupt a few times, until they get the idea that Nantofran wants to contribute nowadays. It's rude, I know, but it may be worth showing them you're more assertive now/want to be an active part of the conversation.

I have a sister like this. She does have bad health issues and every time you visit you have to hear all about the symptoms, hospital appointment, GPs and Consultants what they all said etc. It's the same conversations over and over. Add to that she's always moaning about someone as well. I used to visit twice a week but have cut it to every 3/4 weeks now as it was making me depressed

I agree notanan, and I do think most people know there’s no point in ‘ making the right noises’ if you’re not hearing what the other person is saying, then when you join in the conversation they’ll know you were listening.

I meet up with two friends and former colleagues every few weeks and one of them talks non stop about her own life and family and everything is ‘amazing’. My other friend and I have a job to balance the conversation with some input about our families and (not so ‘amazing)’ lives.! She is a very big hearted person ,but we do find this annoying. She is always ‘thrilled’ to see us ,so hard to back out. The other thing is that her DH ALWAYS turns up eventually and then it seems rude to leave immediately. I am widowed but my other friend still has her DH ,but he does not turn up.
We find this irritating as it is supposedly a ‘girlie’ meet up.
The friend’s DH is a nice chap, but we are not as keen to see him as his wife thinks we are. Oh dear!

Some people just need an ear, I have a couple of friends and they often ring for an offload as they haven't got anyone else to speak to. That is ok with me because I can do the same to them if necessary, and as I am so interesting myself we usually get back to how wonderful my life is anyway (ha ha that was a joke) I find that luckily most of my conversations are 50/50ish but if it annoys you just tell them you need the loo, and say goodbye. Strangely a lot of my friends say that to me................odd that !?!?!?!?!!?

Similarly, OP, a group of four of us went for coffee after a regular session we are all members of. One of the four was new to our group. We'd hardly sat down in the cafe when, almost immediately, one person began spouting at length about his plans for the future.

I think it would have been polite to show an interest in our new friend and perhaps ask her how she enjoyed the session we'd all just attended or how she was settling in to a new neighbourhood etc. Some people, only interested in themselves, seem to imagine that everyone else is also only interested in them!

My Husband is like that, whenever we visit friends or anyone visits us the converasation always seems to revolve around him,when he worked years ago,what he does now etc I think he needs to be noticed,and praised and confirmed. I dread these visits as I have heard the same thing for years and years, I am not good at doing the same thing so I end up being "invisible"
Sympathies to Nantofran, I cant give advice.

It’s almost an attack of (verbal) diarrhoea isn’t Saggi?

I’ve got two ‘friends’ like this..... you answer the phone ,they say, hi how you; and before you can answer they are telling you all about their day-week- whatever. It drives me bonkers. They are the most selfish egotistical people I know. One of them goes on an on about people I don’t even know and all the relations. It’s depressing as she never actually listens to you and stays on the phone for 30 +. Then all of a sudden she says ... gotta go now, bye!! And gone!!

The only way to deal with this is honestly.

Tell them, not on the phone, but when you see them that you are hurt because they never listen to what you have to say, but just tell all their own news and apparently even interrupt you when you try to say somethin.

It may not help, but at least you will have made the attempt.

My lovely Mum regularly pointed out that we had two ears and one mouth which made it clear we should listen twice as much as we speak. Bet she never would have believed I absorbed these wise words from her!!

The ones who go on and on about the amazing achievements of their children/grandchildren, complete with endless photographs, are the worst.
No-one ever had such good-looking and brilliant children as theirs (apart from me, of course!)

I’ve long said that listening is a dying art!

However, listening is not "making the right noises"/smiling&nodding. Active listening involves actually joining in with what the petson is talking about.

"Blood out of stone" types are often rubbish listeners despite thinking otherwise of themselves. Not contributing doesn't a good listener make!

Oh and I've got another friend who sends me a one-line email regularly saying "How are you?". (She doesn't really care actually). Then, when I reply, she sends me an email telling me all about herself which goes on and on and I just skim it because it's too boring to read.

I would pit my oxygen thief ( as OH calls them) against any of yours. Mine is Olympic standard.
One particular day I decided to time how long she was on the phone to me: 3hours that was several calls.
She answers the phone when I'm at hers ( not often) and jabbers on. I ask if I should go? She answers no, I'll only be a minute, ha ha.

I know SO many people like this. I think (in my case) it's because I'm quiet and don't talk a lot that these sorts of people are attracted to me. I just find myself switching off half the time. In fact the older I get the fewer friends I have but actually I don't really care. As BakingMad says, these people talk rubbish and it's very tiring to listen to. I feel the same in that I just want to take a tablet and lie in a darkened room after being with these people.

I’ve long said that listening is a dying art! How often have you been talking to someone you know is just dying to jump in with their story, or even on the phone to gas/electric/ water companies you’ve to tell your tale two or three times.
It happens here too, as sometimes posters don’t really read the other posts before replying, so a post could start ‘ My 6 year old granddaughter.......’, then a reply could ask what age the child is!

Pantglas1
Your friend doesn't happen to live in Shoeburyness does she. If so, we know the same person ?