Being talked at rather than talked with

Thankyou... Ive had a good laugh at your stories..maybe
I need to say that Im busy doing a PHD to certain phone
callers. Ha ha ..Slainte.

Don't ring off but put the phone down next to the radio......and whack up the volume!

That's the way to do it.

I agree Hetty but you see, the worst offenders are usually the ones who instigate the phone calls

Notanan2, some of us, although we do know conversation is a give and take, two way art, just really don't enjoy chatting on the phone.

I find that people call at the most inconvenient times when I'm right in the middle of something or should be cooking dinner or walking the dog. Out of politeness, I chat with a feeling of seething resentment or put them on speakerphone so I can carry on. Sometimes I 'accidentally' cut them off (I have a dodgy phone, you know).

I much prefer text and email. People get to the point. It's almost like a written letter that can be answered when I really have time, maybe at midnight. I've been doing some decorating so I unplugged my house phone. (I still have one in case I need it.) My sister soon sent a text 'Your phone's not working!' (Oh yes it is!). I replied 'I'll have to have a look at it.'

Some of these problems result from what seems to be an increasing inability actually to listen to the other half of a conversation. One party just waits until the other party stops and then starts her or his spiel, often at a complete tangent. It's rather like the politicians on Question Time except their spiels are prepared in advance and will be delivered come hell or high water whatever anybody else on the panel or in the audience has said.

Oh petra, the dreaded repeating - my mother would do that a lot. Sometimes, she'd stop and say 'Have I told you this before?' I really tried my best to have patience with her.

However, my (drunk) friend leaves indignant answerphone comments like 'Don't you ever answer your phone? Call me back soon as I want to ask you something!' (and/or 'Tell you something').

There's never anything though, just a rambling monologue of all the boring little details of his day. I'm not interested - at all. When I occasionally do phone back I always remind him to just text or email please - and still it goes on!

Hetty
She phones everyone all day and all evening, that's if she's not looking at clairvoyant sites online: she 'belongs' to 14!
She doesn't read or watch tv.
notanan
She phones me when she's on holiday. When she comes home she repeats everything she's told me while on holiday.
In fact, if I'd answered the phone last night I would have heard it all again. That would be about the 4th time in less than 2 weeks since she has been back from holiday.

petra, yes I think you should do just that. They might then phone somebody else instead.

I had a persistent (boring) phoning friend. He'd phone when drunk and lonely, leaving endless slurred answerphone messages. I explained that I don't often answer my phone or mobile to anybody (a white lie, I admit). I said that friends and family either text or email me - which is mainly true.

He still leaves some messages but now emails (never texts) and (when I have the patience) I will phone him back in the morning - when he chats far less and is sober!

Sounds awful

This might sound a bit extreme, but bear with me.
The oxygen thief that I have to contend with ( I can't drop her as she lives Close and we're both involved in the same charity) phoned twice last night. First one at 7.30 then again at 9.15.
I ignored both calls. When I see her next time she will demand why don't you answer your bloody phone
I've now decided to tell her that I'm studying for a OU degree and haven't got the time to spend hours on the phone.
I know this sounds extreme but if you knew this woman you would understand that I'm desperate ?

Right but what I'm saying is that a lot of posters on here seem to think that saying nothing and "making noises" = listening and being polite.

It's not. It is quite rude. In an equal though opposite way to dominating a conversation.

I just think it's beginning to be a slippery slope of degeneration of manners it's just got to work for both sides cut & run if u can otherwise you just have to learn coping mechanisms without completely losing your moral compass otherwise they have one

autumnsun politeness is ultimately about making others feel comfortable.

Often aloof people dont think they are being rude because they are not doing or saying anything. But it feels awkward/uncomfortable to be in a one sided conversation either because the other person is dominating it or because they are not contributing. Both are equally rude and tiresome for the other person.

You made me laugh anyway so thanks!!!

How I agree with your last sentence notanana2 I know someone who does that. Talks at length about herself and her family but is clearly bored by any mention of my life and family. Maybe we are just really dull smile

Maybe they just need to be fixed up with a mmmm mmmm person who thinks phone calls = talk radio! Match made in heaven!

If u think about it all comes down to selfishness that's the bottom line it must have started small & now it's like modern disease because everybody is trying to impress all the time.Im sure a lot of people start off OK but we all have to adapt e.g ( interrupt even if u don't want) just so people don't swallow you whole it's taken me 60 years to learn that(I'm a bit slow) that's the trouble when you were brought up to be polite & to listen to other people Mind you some people are just born like it you can make all the excuses in the world e.g my sister cos we were brought up exactly the same so that's my conclusion

FYI this person thinks they are a FANTASTIC listener

I cant be bothered to tell them anything interesting any more on the rare occasion that I actually DO have really interesting or exciting news.. I want to tell people who will respond! Getting the "mmmm mmm" treatment as a response to big news just feels like getting your chips p*$$ed on!

But yeah.. great listener..

If you say "but what do YOU think" you get "mmmm yep mmmm I agree with you"

One in particular that I do not EVER phone but who phones me to ask how X Y or Z went or if Ive heard from such n such person makes these awful rude mmmm mmmm mmm mmm noises. Im sorry but that is NOT conversing. You can also hear that they are pottering around their house while on the phone basically using you as a talk radio. If you stop talking they dont take that as a cue to join in, they just ask another open ended question to get you "performing" at them again...
If you say "I'm sorry am I boring you?" (i.e. are you still on the line? I honestly cant tell) they insist that they are deeply interested in how X went... mmm mmmm mmm doesnt to me = interested!

Luckily I have pretty much transferred all communication with this person to whatssap where she has to actually contribute or else the chat goes dead. Usually its dead no big loss (if they were a friend not a relative I wouldnt be in touch at all!)

Sorry that was for your 13.04 post.

How I agree with your last sentence notanana2 I know someone who does that. Talks at length about herself and her family but is clearly bored by any mention of my life and family. Maybe we are just really dull

"listening to their disinterested noises thinking this phone call"

Dont ask after my job/kids/holiday if you then act quietly miffed bored at the answer. You brought up the topic by asking not me. And maybe if YOU took the batton for a bit we wouldnt be having a dull awkward one sided conversation. Because one sided conversations cannot be intetesting. That does not mean that the one making the effort is a bore, conversations just cant be fun/insightful/interesting with only one contributer.

The worst offenders are always the ones to instigate the phone call or the coffee. You sit there looking at their bored/miffed faces or listening to their disinterested thinking this phone call/coffee was YOUR idea not mine!! Why did you bother (and at times have said that out loud).

autumnsun I have actually asked people why they have phoned me if they have zero to say to me. I dont want to be dragged into the trap of filling the air with rambling: you want one sided entertainment? Put on the TV or radio! Don't ring me then expect me to "perform" to thin air.

The worst ones are the ones who give monosyllabic replies to your enquiries about them, then ask you about topics in your life but act like you're a bore if you answer with more than 1 word!.

Notonan

Sounds like your coming at this from a different angle!! The other side of the coin don't know which is worse to be honest