Toddlers. TELL don't ASK...

Limited choice eg lego or paint all the way when they are little. My DGD now 7 was awful at getting dressed wanting to wear totally inappropriate for winter weather clothing stemming from DiL having allowed her to chose what to wear for a summer. I just gave her a choice of two items eg red hat, pink hat to start off with and eventually we got going with the whole choice of two system. DiL and DS thinks its great and saves a lot of time and hassle. You are the adult, it is your job to make decisions.

One technique people sometimes use when there is little choice about the toddler having to do something would be to give a choice like "would you like to wear your red coat or your blue coat to the shops?" The child is happy they were given a choice and the fact it means going to the shop whether they wanted to or not supposedly gets overlooked.

Long gone are the days when Mums like mine would MAKE you stay at the table with the order to "eat that rice pudding or just sit there all day!"

There was no "oh - well, would you like me to get something else?"

The word 'choice' was a bit anathema with my Ma......

Blimey!
20 different milkshake flavours? I'd drive miles for those.

New Zealanders LOVE their milkshakes.

Nice to know your restaurant is so family friendly Menopausalbitch (nice name by the way) .

Could you perhaps give me a clue where it is in the country so I can avoid it .

It’s the same in my restaurant, ‘where would you like to sit’, “what would you like to eat”, toddlers don’t know where they want to feckin sit or what they want to eat, reading every milkshake flavour (we have twenty) to them including ameretto and creme brulee whilst I’m standing waiting to take there order knowing six other tables need me.

I live in a little seaside town popular with holidaying families. On the lane outside my house I heard the following conversation between a little boy and his Dad:
Dad, Now you've had a boat ride haven't you?
Little boy, Yes
Dad, And you've been to the beach haven't you?
Little boy, Yes
Dad, So what would you like to do now?
Little boy, Go home.
So we do have to be careful about the questions we ask a little one!!

I always asked my children instead of telling them, even 28 years ago! Sometimes they could do it how they wanted sometimes it wasn’t possible. Such as “what would you like for lunch” they would say something we didn’t have so I would say “ we don’t have that, come and look at what we have and see what you fancy. They learned then that life doesn’t always go your way. It is no life to be controlled on a regular basis surely. My children would sometimes go in a strop if they couldn’t do what they wanted but they got over it. If your GC says I don’t want to go to the shops then they have to learn that there is no lunch or dinner that night. It is good life lessons. I would never feel like offering my parenting skills to my DD unless she specifically asks me what I would do. Why do a lot of Grandparents think their way was right? I trust that I raised my DD well enough to make choices about how she raised her DS.

I trained as a Nursery Nurse in the 60's and the rules on giving age-appropriate choices, in order to teach toddlers they had choices and how to use that power, were pretty much as has been stated above. 'Red socks or blue ones' 'egg or cheese on toast' - provided of course you knew the child actually liked these things. No child was forced to eat what it did not like.

But when I had my second son in 1979 and took him to kindergarten at 2 year old (in those days, mothers stayed and played) the staff gave choices I felt were inappropriate.

'Would you like to help clear up the toys Martin?' resulted in a shake of the head and 3 year old Martin brumming cars along the floor whilst other children and staff cleared up.

So I said to my boy, 'Come on Sweetheart, we'll put the books away.' Which he willingly helped me do.

I was told, 'We no longer TELL children Mrs Bradford, we treat the with respect and ASK them.'

And I thought and look what you're doing to wee Martin, turning him into a selfish brat Nor did I see anything disrespectful in my slightly firmer statement to my son.

There is a world of difference between the "My house, my rules" I was brought up with and putting big responsibilities on the shoulders of little persons.

I was taught and I still believe that guidelines and rules make children feel safe.

If they are going to be able to sway your actions with refusals, tantrums and sulks, then they know you're not strong enough to protect them if they need it.

That's why, as they grow up, they try to push the boundaries - they need to know where and if you'll stop them.

Boundaries can be flexible to a degree and each parent must make its own decisions but giving children too much freedom of choice teaches them there are no limits. That's scary for a child.

It means they are virtually bringing themselves up, rather than having wise guidelines to follow.

And it may well be that in their later years, they will think you didn't care enough to guide and teach them safe decision making, which is so vital in this world.

Part of growing up is making choices – that's what grown-ups do all the time. Helping children to learn how to make choices is to to give them easy options. You don't say "What do you want for lunch?" You say, "Would you like sausages or spaghetti? You don't say, "What do you want to wear? You say, "Would you like the red tee shirt or the blue tee shirt?". These are unimportant things but they give the child a choice.

I agree that choices should only be given when there is truly a choice to be made. Hate when parents "give the impression" there is a choice when there isn't. What does that say to children about whether they really have choices or not?

Toddlers like to be given a choice, but both options must be what you want, eg 'would you like Mummy or Daddy to carry you up to bed?'

If you want them to go out, 'which coat/hat would you like to wear to go to the shops?'

I reckoned that if you were firm up to the age of 5 and never gave in to tantrums, then you could relax a bit after that, the respect had been earned!

As a teacher, I can confirm that asking when there is no other option is a bad idea. However we do want children to grow up assertive so there needs to be a balance. So a choice needs to have the right outcome. I therefore incorporate choice as often as I can. I just make sure it isn't do or don't, because children will say no and disrespecting that choice does not make for healthy children. If there isn't a choice, I will fill my voice with enthusiasm and the child with confidence and promise a good outcome. "we need to do phonics now and if everyone does a good job we can all have 5 minutes extra play"

I had taken my youngest to a party. I was helping out. 30 under 3's. Madness. The child's Mum was desperately trying to ask each child if they wanted green or red jelly which was causing major consternation. I think we'd still be there now had this continued. Another Mum firmly took the bowls out of this woman's hands and just plonked the jellies down in front of the children who decided if they were happy and if not they just swapped.

I always gave my very young children a ‘choice’ eg “would you like your red socks or your blue ones.”. And continued to give those sort of choices (appropriately) as they grew older. I believe it is helpful to give them some choice (but within certain perameters) after all we are the adults and hopefully wiser??. I think that some of today’s young parents are mistaken in putting their children in a position of responsibility, that is the role of a parent! But, hey-ho..modern parenting is very different from what we have been brought up to believe in. However, one thought...my grandmother said that child rearing ideas change from generation to generation but babies/children’s basic needs remain the same!

Thanks annep1 she is adorable, of course

Grammaretto granddaughter sounds so sweet.

It's nothing new. I was very critical of friends' parenting techniques 30 plus years ago. I'd cringe as they asked their little darlings what they'd like to do. Making rods for themselves in my opinion.
However they seemed to grow up to be well adjusted adults despite the sappy parents!
Our DGD aged 4, on being taken to a performance, aimed at small children but very scary, said firmly afterwards "you shouldn't have brought me mummy!"

They do need to make some decisions but the choice needs to be limited.

'Which bed time story would you like?' is fine as it doesn't impact on the family day, but can get boring when the same one is chosen every time.

I've noticed in my family that toddler GC have been asked things like 'What do you want for dinner?' I don't about you but when faced with that same question, my mind goes blank! Asking an 18mo to make that same decision seems crazy! IMO, offering a choice of two things is a far better way to go, allowing children to develop some autonomy without overwhelming them.

Some things are non-negotiable, too. We don't ask children if they want to sit in their car seat in the car, they absolutely must sit in it.

It is not what you say it is the way that you say it. I am sure I often said to my children when small 'Shall we go to the park, and feed the ducks' but usually said in a tone that made it clear that this was an action we were going to do, not one they could offer an opinion on.

Toddlers are so cute.

I like the either/or options with our 2 and a half year old granddaughter, as in, ‘we’re going to the shops/park. Do you want to wear your pumps or your new sandals?’

A degree of autonomy and it’s enough.
?

My daughter often makes two different meals and asks questions ie Do we like tomatoes today?
She and her partner have also negotiated with e children since they were very young. I dont know where parents get the energy.

I agree. My son's children (he doesn't live with them but sees them weekly) are 8yrs and 4 1/2, and his stepchildren are 9yrs and 5yrs.

All the time, they are being asked "What would you like for lunch/dinner" then to be told, "No, you can't have that, we haven't got it/you had that yesterday"

The same for going anywhere - "Where would you like to go?"

No wonder some children then become angry and frustrated, when given the choice of something, then to be told No.

She's 15 months Callistemon but she's very advanced
Sounds like my oldest DC who would feed what she didn't want to the dog! Which turned out to be a very wise decision.

Actually, I don't think children should be forced to eat anything they don't want to, perhaps encouraged if you know it won't cause a reaction, but not forced.