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Same time...this year...

(13 Posts)
ladytina42 Mon 12-Aug-19 16:13:14

Son, 31. About once a year he has a depressive/anxiety episode.

It happened again today...get text from him saying he is off work, has seen doctor, has 2 week sick note for depression/anxiety.

Same thing happened last year, and the year before, and possibly for the few years previous to that as well. BUT he brings it on himself...drinks too much for a sustained period...borrows money of payday lenders to fund his drinking sessions, then it all gets on top of him.

The last couple of years we have bailed him out financially but I am feeling we can’t do this again as he will keep expecting us to do it if he gets in a pickle of his own making.

He has a decent job but does not earn as much as his friends. Although he lives close to us, he rents a flat as we will not have him living at home because he is unappreciative of what we do for him and when he goes out and gets drunk he frequently leaves front door open....and frankly I don’t want a drunk in my house.

Apart from work and drinking with his pals he does little else.

The doctor will not give him medication but just a sick note.

All this I learnt through text messaging today, he is coming round later for a chat. Seems to do the same thing every year but not change anything in his life. He will stop drinking short term but we all know it will creep back in.

He’s been invited to alcohol abuse sessions but will not go.

I’m at a loss as to what I can do or say to change things.

Appreciate any advice.

agnurse Mon 12-Aug-19 16:21:15

You might consider going to Al-Anon. This is an organization for family members and loved ones of people with alcoholism.

bytheway Mon 12-Aug-19 16:33:36

I never thought of that agnurse, i think because i never thought of him as an alcoholic...just a heavy drinker.

Will look into that.

He has really low self esteem (as do i) and I'm sure this also contributes to his self destructive behaviour.

M0nica Mon 12-Aug-19 16:44:38

ladytina, There is very little you can do until your son acknowledges his problem and wants to do something about it, but in the meanwhile, stop giving him money, that only enables his drinking.

In the meanwhile, look after yourself. Do as agnurse suggests and contact Al-Anon. Whether your son is an alcoholic or just a heavy drinker is immaterial, you are in a bad place because of his drinking and need to get yourself help and support.

ladytina42 Mon 12-Aug-19 16:53:35

Thankyou Monica

I have just emailed them so hopefully will get some support.

eazybee Mon 12-Aug-19 17:14:06

Is there something that happens about this time that triggers the episode, or does it take twelve months to work through, then start again?
I think you are doing the right thing by not letting him live at home, and you do need to consider how much longer you can keep bailing him out. Does he ever repay you?

ladytina42 Mon 12-Aug-19 17:30:43

We have never asked for the money back but obviously we can’t carry on doing it because we’ll end up destitute ourselves, and also because as much as what he is doing hurts me, we know we will be enabling him if we carry on.

He has recently mentioned moving back in but I gave it short shrift because of his behaviour in the past, unless he was teetotal I could not tolerate it. My life would be a misery if he moved back in and his stepdad would not be happy either.

I don’t really think it’s a time of year thing, tbh it has happened at different times but does seem to be about once a year.
He worked in a fast food chain for many years, then in his mid twenties he went to uni and got a good degree in cyber security but this is his first job since graduating, so he’s still at the bottom of the rung money wise.

I think he borrows money to keep up with his friends when they are out on the town, pubs, clubs, taxis...wouldn’t dream of getting the bus home...and by the time they leave a club they couldn’t anyway...

EllanVannin Mon 12-Aug-19 18:16:10

Tell him to find some friends who can't afford to go out drinking until all hours.

We'd all like a bit more money I'm sure but there comes a time when you have to call a halt on overspending whatever it might be and learn to adjust.

Clubs are expensive places as are their drinks so once finished at the pub, he should learn to say no as this is where the problem lies.

The next thing he'll lose his flat and then what ? He probably spends the equivalent of a week's rent just on a weekend.

My D had the right idea with my GS, who still lives at home, he has to pay half the mortgage or else. He's no trouble though, works and goes out with his pals at the weekend, golfing or buying clothes.

If he was made to pay you back it might have changed things especially if you'd said there'd be no more funds if he didn't.

M0nica Mon 12-Aug-19 18:28:23

This question of whether to lend or give money to children with monetary problems is a very vexed one and depends on each separate situation, but I think when an adult child gets into trouble more than once then the bank of mum and dad should close down.

It is very difficult when one of one's children become what we would never want them to be - drunks, drug addicts or spendthrifts. But, sadly, we have very little control over the adults our children become. We parent to the best of our abilities and as we think best, but the results can still not be guaranteed.

To an extent Ellenvannin is right, he needs to get a new group of friends. He is not the only person of his age who is short of cash, and others like him manage to cut their coat to suit their cloth.

I think what the OP needs to do is to stand back from her errant son, if she possibly can and concentrate on looking after herself.

sodapop Mon 12-Aug-19 19:26:55

The only person who can help your son now is himself ladytina42. You need to have a heart to heart talk with him and tell him you are not prepared to subsidise his life style any more. You are enabling his behaviour although with the best of intentions. agnurse was right to suggest Al anon they will be able to advise you.

MissAdventure Mon 12-Aug-19 20:02:12

Alcohol is a depressant.
Perhaps if he has been on a binge things seem pretty bleak when he sobers up.

ladytina42 Mon 12-Aug-19 20:13:43

Well he came round tonight and seemed in high spirits (pun definitely not intended) this is because he hasn’t had a drink since last Wednesday and he’s off work, I wish he could see what a lovely lad he is without a drink inside him. But, of course, we know that won’t last long (3 weeks max I suspect)

Didn’t ask for any money and none was offered (this May come later by text but he won’t be getting any)

Been referred to a support group called Evolve (I think) I hope he goes as he hasn’t in the past. We discussed other options of things he could be doing instead of drinking and he left in a good frame of mind.

We will see.

M0nica Mon 12-Aug-19 20:18:38

ladytina42, fingers crossed for you.