Squalour

My DH and I have been allowed in close friends house for first time in 20 years as sadly he has been in hospital for several months, so been going to get post etc.. House is as Cabbie 21 describes. He is adamant he wants to go home, his wife had to go in a home. He has allowed us to do some cleaning. 100% better but still a nightmare He was too proud to admit things got too much. I’d keep quiet and as you say ignore for now.

*I had a friend who lived exactly like that.
She was a qualified social worker.* - ditto - and she was my boss. Maybe it is the same person!

I used to avoid going to her housed like the plague; and certainly never ate anything there unless it was from a sealed source. Her whole team used to find excuses not to go to her place - it was entirely disgusting!!!

You have to wipe your feet when you leave my nephews house. ?

I have a friend whose house is in a terrible state, inside and out. The paint is peeling off, the garden is overgrown. Nobody is ever invited in, as he openly states that it is not fit for visitors. He is intelligent, very capable intellectually, involved in all sorts of projects, not a recluse or anything. It just doesn’t seem to bother him. I don’t think there is any point trying to say or do anything.

I have a female friend who lives like this. A truly chaotic home. People don't tend to be invited in. She's happy like this. I reckon it's a bit of a death trap but it's her life. We'll have the odd chat about having a sort out ... I remind her of the photos we want to locate but nothing ever materialises.

We've all just left her to it. And I genuinely believe that even if powerful cleaning pixies were let loose the house would soon revert to its original squalid mess.

It is reassuring when people echo our thoughts sodapop. DH and I had a long discussion as to whether we detected any mental deterioration but on the basis that he is still working, have concluded that whilst we have concerns, they are not significant. More worried that this could be the start of a downhill spiral as whilst there were always traits of untidiness in the past, we seem to be heading towards full on, let go.

Whilst living in those sort of conditions is not for most of us your friend is entitled to make his own choices about how he lives Guestcorrectly.
You could mention any serious health and safety issues but otherwise leave him to it, I take it he is mentally competent.

Thanks for your reassurance M0nica. I can’t quite imagine staying overnight there but it is good to know others have had similar experiences.

Thanks for your reply Justme67. I think that is the conclusion we have come to. We are concerned as to how much worse things might become, but are inclined to leave things for now and yes, I washed the mugs before drinking and sniffed the milk!

Should we suggest he changes his occupation MissAdventure?

We visited a friend a year or so back. We hadn't been to her house for years. In a street of expensively smart houses it stuck out like a sore thumb, the outside was so dilapidated, we got inside and we could hardly move, we had to take books off chairs in order to sit down and eat off our laps as so much was on the table. When I had an early morning cup of coffee, I could find no space on the worktop to put it down.

Strangely our bedroom and bathroom were clean neat and tidy. She is a wealthy woman, with a successful career behind her, and a very large pension. She even has a cleaner who has been with her for 40 years, but faced with the endless heaps of stuff, she can do little.

She never was tidy. We met at boarding school and one of the teachers would make me tidy her locker because we were close friends and I was a tidy as she was untidy.

If he is happy, why change him - it is his life, o.k for you it is squalor, perhaps for him it is comforting. We had to clear my mother-in-laws home, she lived in similar circumstances you describe, I never questioned her right to live like that, only made sure I had a clean cup and saucer for my tea. Although it was a problem clearing out her home, my husband had so many happy memories of bits and pieces that were unearthed, and we threw away a pile of EAGLE comics, which included the very first issue. If only we had known......

Unfortunately he refuses to have a cleaner fizzers ( thinks they will steal from him ) and to be honest the state is such that a regular cleaner could do much more than scratch the surface in an afternoon. I’m reluctant to offer my time as whilst we suggested a cleaner in a joking manner, personal intervention seems much more interfering and also would require a gargantuan effort that I suspect would neither be welcomed or appreciated and the results probably undone very quickly

I had a friend who lived exactly like that.
She was a qualified social worker.

This relative is not stupid either Liz46 but it doesn’t stop him wading through heaps of paper, boxes, tools etc to cross every room; preparing food on filthy worktops; living with peeling wallpaper, holed carpets and curtains, broken furnishings, door handles hanging off; a musty smell; mice; an overgrown garden; vegetation growing in his front porch. He is aware but disinterested.

Maybe offer to lend a helping hand with a bit of cleaning? Husband could help with a few odd jobs? gently suggest he hires a cleaner?

All this needs to be suggested subtly and tactfully.

better approaching now than later when it may become totally out of hand

I'm probably being sexist but I've had this conversation with a neighbour recently. Many men just don't see dirt. I gently complained to my husband that I needed help with the housework and he said he doesn't see dirt but if I point it out, he will clean it! I know he sounds it but he is not stupid.