Lost some confidence with my son

To clarify, my last two sentences were in response to absthame’s ridiculous post, and nothing to do with anything the OP has said.

I am really quite shocked at some of the authoritarian responses on this thread!

Sounds like the OP’s son was annoyed at his mum for leaving negative feedback on the seller’s account. He is an eBay seller himself, so probably seen it from the other side. That kind of thing can really ruin someone’s business. And surely, very minor disagreements like this are just the nature of relationships?

Now, if the son was screaming and shouting at the OP, I would understand, but surely a “Darling, I’m not an idiot” would be appropriate if you felt like you were being lectured. Claiming to be worried to tell him your “news” in the future is a massive overreaction. And please, please, please don’t “remind” him who the parent is! You are his mother, but your days of “parenting” him are long gone.

Our children often forget who the parents are. If any of my children (that's a joke when they are 46 and 44) go to far, they are slapped down, normally it's my daughter

Is it normal or healthy to maintain such an authoritarian relationship with one’s adult children? Or even one’s young children, for that matter.
Doesn’t there come a point where it has to be recognised that AC are adults in their own right and just as deserving of respect as the parents are?
‘Slapping them down’ - if my parents had ever treated me in that way, they wouldn’t have seen me for dust.

Our children often forget who the parents are. If any of my children (that's a joke when they are 46 and 44) go to far, they are slapped down, normally it's my daughter.

However I have always encouraged them, gc and ggc to challenge things that they disagree with, within their competence and paying respect and regards to sensitivities. That also means that whatever is my or my wife's business is not normally open to discussion.

Sorry but I have no idea what the OP mentioned to her son. Have I missed something as I’m totally bewildered here!

Tillybelle, it's okay, and thank you for your kindness. You are right it's s wide range of ideas from grans which is what makes gransnet so good for us really.

Annodomini, the reason I mentioned this minor matter to him was simply for some small topic to chat about, and I was amazed when he thought it mattered one way or the other. He is very very good at solving problems. It's his way of talking that sometimes upsets me. He actually does know best about all manner of things and does get a little impatient when I am slow to understand. At least this is not patronising me.

It is quite difficult to know what is news. I usually assume that news is not to do with me but my son. so the one in Australia I tell him anything I know about this old school, a neighbour who went there , a teacher , or some recent planning decision concerning the school. The one in england I ask him how he is doing etc and may mention the garden, or some visitors we have had. I would not mention shopping for things unless it was something that Aldi had that he might like say a hand tool or a Pizza oven.

So it seems that one may have to adjust to what one's son considers is worthwhile talking about.

I would tell one of my female friends about a cock up with shopping for a jumper but not my son.

We are all different so I think it might pay just to reflect on what is news that is of interest to the person you are speaking to.

Leaving bad feedback on Ebay may be inappropriate but it's hardly the crime of the century! I thought he must have caught you smoking dope at the very least, or in bed with a toyboy perhaps!

My kids wouldn't dare criticise me that much. Anything more than a mild ticking off would have me (deliberately) in tears and they'd feel rotten - especially when their siblings found out!

I don't know why people are suggesting the OP shouldn't have mentioned this to her son.

If it's the sort of thing they usually talk about, in general chat, that's up to them.

My ACs live far from me so we don't usually tell each other small things, but when we see each other in person then minutiae might be mentioned.
No-one gets worked up about it, tho.

Usually when someone is disproportionate in their response, it is due to a pattern of behavior that makes them so annoyed. Maybe you need to find out about deeper issues. Just an idea.

I have no idea what my AC get up to on a monthly basis let alone on a weekly or daily basis and certainly don't bend their ears with the minutiae of my own life.
I know for a fact that they know more about their friend's and colleague's lives than they do about mine and that suits me just fine.
I get none of the aggro or problems that some other mothers get so it's a win/win situation.

I had an episode like this with my son when I had remonstrated with his new au pair about the (lack of) care she was demonstrating towards my DGSs - I tried to explain that the girl was there for her own purposes rather that what she was employed to do, and he bellowed at me in front of the GSs because the au pair was upset.
A few months later the au pair was arrested on a charge of child abandonment having taken herself to a gym leaving my 8yr old, who was unwell, by himself. I never got an apology though, and like the OP hesitate to approach him with matters that are important to me.

No harm in having a goal Tillybelle

Lessismore. Well said!
I agree with annodomini on both! So wish I could be concise!

It's so sad when one of us, a Grandmother, is scared of their AC's opinion of us. Very sad too when AC thinks it ok to lecture their parent on an unimportant issue.

Things happen, Lessismore. I like your name and wish other posters would take note of the advice it contains.

A few days ago , I lost £ 20.00 which I pulled form my bag along with some receipts..I don't care..maybe somebody found it and enjoyed it. I didn't feel the need to share this.

Alexa

Please don't be scared, it's me again!

I've been told I was cruel. So I must write to you quickly and make sure you know that I never intended to upset you or to be cruel. Not at all! I ended rather quickly because my post was already too long.

If I have hurt you in any way I am truly sorry!

I really sympathise, nay, empathise with you. As I said in my long post, my children were being cruel to me especially about something I bought. It was my friend whom I quoted who made me sit up and realise I was letting my children walk all over me. I was scared of them. I would shake even if I saw an email from them. So I really felt for you when I read about this prolonged "telling off" kind of talk your son gave you. I also felt angry for you because I remembered how I was unable to stand up for myself and to think of what to say at the time. I remembered thinking that they knew best being the younger generation etc.

But I did suddenly come to my senses at the rather stern things my friend said to me. She has always been a stalwart support to me since my husband died when I was 42. I realised she was right! I was letting the children bully me. After that, I saw a lot of other older women (Sorry about the "old woman" blunder!! It was supposed to be older!) who were scared of their AC. Quite a few scared of DH too. I became a Psychologist and did Counselling among other things.

But I am in complete support of you Alexa and I do understand. It happened to me! Unfortunately it is not at all uncommon imh experience as a Counsellor, to have us Grandmothers treated as if we are unable to cope, particularly with the internet, by our AC. Many women I met had sons who gave them lectures or even told them they were not to use the internet for shopping! It did amount to bullying, I'm afraid. I really didn't want you to be in this position.

It worried me a bit that you repeated that he was right and you were wrong. There isn't really a right or wrong in such an unimportant situation as the £15 jumper! I would say it was especially lovely that you gave it to a Charity! You are clearly a kind person and I would have been proud of you were I your child!

I have been accused of patronising you as weak and helpless too and told I don't have evidence as I don't know you! I strongly hope you don't feel patronised! I was just responding to what you said. I felt terrible when one of my children put me down with one scathing remark, so I couldn't help feeling awful for you when you said your son lectured you and "^I now feel I can't tell him my news in case I get another lecture and feel bad^". It is the famous "treading on eggshells" kind of remark that people make when they say they can't say something for fear of setting somebody off into another rage/anger/rant/telling off/lecture at them and making them feel awful.

Your very poignant messages give very good descriptions of what your DS did and how it made you feel and how you feel now and what you fear about the piece of news you want to tell them but are scared to do so. I responded entirely to what you said. I understood how terrible it is to be made to feel like that!

I imagine the accusation of my being cruel was about my very frank description of your son's treatment of you. I did it deliberately I'm afraid. Many people who are used to being put down or taking orders do not realise when they are being treated wrongly. They lose their ability to see that they do not deserve to be spoken to like that. My friend pointed it out to me. She made me ashamed of my children's lack of respect for me. I had to go through it in order to understand the reality of what was happening.

It really is better to take control of your life and not be able to let your AC "get to you" like this at the first possible instance when you recognise that one of them is not treating you with respect. This is because we are not getting any younger. If we do not remind them who is the mother and that our business is our business straight away, they can become very audacious. It can lead to many situations where we feel as you do about how tell them your news. We start to live in anxiety about our relationship with them.

If I upset you I am very sorry indeed. I was abrupt in the way I ended the long message so I am very sorry I didn't say that you are by no means alone. I know you are a very good and decent mother, and GM! I have been through this as have thousands, probably millions! So don't think I am judging you. We are all here to support you.

It's always good to remember, that out of the wide range of suggestions and ideas people send you, you will relate to what is best for you! You can ignore those that do not fit your life and situation. But I would say, as far as I can see here, everybody supports you and wants what is best for you!

With best wishes and good luck, love from Elle ???

What a furore over a £15 jumper. What I can't understand is why the OP had to mention it to her son in the first place. If I buy something that I have to either send back or have refunded, I don't bother my sons with it. Both have responsible jobs and their own families and far more important things to think about than concern themselves with what was, after all, a minor purchase.

Kind and considerate always trumps confident and knowledgeable. Would he talk to a stranger like this?

janeainsworth Thanks, It should read OldER lady.

My letter was entirely based upon Alexa's letters.

Nanny41
I am so sorry to hear about your son.

You have given some examples of things that raise "red flags" or warning signs about your son. Despite the financial problems, he sounds like a very difficult person to live with. I am worried about your DGS. What a wonderful boy he is. I would simply say that your DGS would benefit from spending as much time as possible away from his father and with you. It is extremely likely that your DiL is having a very difficult time too and would benefit from your support.

I do hope that things improve soon. Your DS's reactions and his disregard to your crying cannot be entirely explained by his financial worries. It is likely that he is like this no matter what his circumstances. Please try to do what you can for your DGS.

Wishing you much good luck. Love from Elle x ?

It’s cruel as well.

Are you proud to have a son who picks on an old lady and makes her feel put-down and frightened?

I think referring to another Gransnetter, when in all likelihood you have never met them, and can’t have a clue about their actual age, and imply they’re weak and helpless and can’t stand up for themselves, is just about the most patronising thing I’ve read on GN.