Lost some confidence with my son

Just make sure he knows that if he starts again, Alexa.

Interesting comment, janea.

I wondered if I should post to the grans about such a comparatively trivial thing, as I know some grans have really serious troubles. I thank you all for your help and advice.

It's because it's so trivial that I was worried. Why would he make such a thing of it? I am not stupid, and he only has to tell me simply and I understand.

How does the son know you have wasted £15.00?

Never mind. I bet he feels as badly about how he handled things as you do. Maybe he's posting on 'Sonsnet' about the incident?

I mean it's not about money is tight!

Pecs, it's true the context matters quite a lot. My son is very wise and clever and I'd say his advice is always well thought out and effective. He can put his mind to a problem and very often solve it and sort it. He also is an Ebay seller and his diatribe was from the side of the Ebay seller.it's not about money is tight or I am habitually stupid about security, although he has warned me how to take care online. He is as kind to me as he could be and I think very highly of his advice and help.
He did in fact show me I had taken the wrong action about the Ebay transaction. I said I agreed with him and tried to explain how I had misjudged the |Ebay thing but he didn't seem to be listening to me.
Anyway I have sent a message to the seller with an apology for the negative feedback which is at least something I can do.

I once had to really speak seriously to my mother about something she had done. It was a really unacceptable thing. I felt bad doing it but it had to be done. She went in a major huff but we had decided that it was better that I spoke to her as 'bad cop' and left my sister in her usual role of 'good cop'.
I hope I'll understand if my poor DD has to read the riot act to me when I'm ancient enough to behave so badly!

Bluebelle don’t hold back

I don’t think my saying his behaviour was unacceptable is unfair, BlueBelle, from what we’ve been told. Obviously there are two sides to every story, but we can only comment on what we know.

Unlike you, I wouldn’t presume to take a guess at what he’s actually said, or suggest that Alexa is jealous of her granddaughter. I’d call that unfair.

maggiemaybe that’s actually unfair as alexa chose to share her news with him but didn’t like the answer or the delivery
To be honest she should have either said ‘bxxxxx off’ with a laugh or ‘I might have known I d get it wrong, do you want a cup of coffee’ but she has chosen to allow it to upset her
Very telling saying he compared her unfavourably to his ‘perfect’ daughter (quite a loaded quote implying she’s slightly jealous of the daughters status) I m presuming there was some put down like ‘ even my daughter would have known that
But really Alexa this is not something to get upset or withdraw conversation over I m sure many of us have had children say things that makes us feel the child and them the parent
Laugh it off life’s too short there’s people struggling with children in prison, or with heavy addictions, or withdrawn from their lives be glad your son still visits and is interested even if he is an arrogant sod ???

Some boss others or are sulkers because they know which people they can manipulate - the ones who won’t stand up to them.

We are hearing one perspective! Maybe son's version is different. Alexa may have complained/ mentioned that money is tight, she may have done similar before & moaned about it & been advised to be wary of ebay etc etc. We don't know. Or her son could just be an ill mannered lout.

He was really annoyed with me and at some length and lectured me sternly

I actually think the fact that this was about something so trivial, that really was none of his business, is what makes it unacceptable. If he had been pulling her up on the sort of behaviour mentioned earlier (racism, commenting on other people’s weight) it would have been more understandable.

I agree PECS. I imagined the ‘news’ to be some life-changing catastrophe.
Alexa My son wouldn’t be the least bit interested in the fact that I’d bought a sweater I didn’t like, or any other item of clothing for that matter

I thought your news was going to be a major issue! Not just that you wasted £15 on a jumper you did not like or that did not suit you! Sounds like a bit of a drama over not much. Your son probably is trating you like an equal adult..expecting you to be big enough to hear his opinion. If he was rude or abusive then not acceptable but if he just expressed his opinion, adult to adult then no problem in my book.

Occasionally my DD 'tells me off' over matters like e.g' not eating at the right time and then saying I feel faint, which is fair enough. Other times she can be a bit bossy and I make a joke of it saying, 'I'm old enough to be your mother you know!' I wouldn't like to be spoken to in a high-handed manner, but perhaps your son didn't like you being taken advantage of.

If your son talks to you like that then he probably has a dictatorial manner with all, it is probably his way especially if you think he’s like it with his wife too
Maybe best not to share so much with him in future Is he is in a senior position or managerial role at work some men (maybe women too) bring it home with them and forget who they are talking too
Don’t take it to heart it sounds as if it’s ‘his way’

Sounds like your son overreacted.

Alexa, I have to be honest, you son was way out of line. To scold and lecture you about something so trivial.

I don't mean to diminish your frustration with the ebay seller, that is a pain, to have to ship it back.

But your son is in no place to speak down to you in regards to such a thing. A simple "That's too bad, mom. I'm sure the jumper was lovely. Perhaps there will be another you like somewhere else".

How hard would that have been for him to say?

If he speaks down to his wife as well, shame on him. I'm sure he believes his daughter can do no wrong because he raised her to be and think like him.

I would stop him mid sentence next time he felt in a position to lecture me about anything. Converse? Yes. Offer a productive alternative solution? Yes. Talk down to you and make you feel inferior? NO!

Far North, that's good advice. I will keep it very brief. I think he sometimes talks to his wife like this but never to daughter.

GoodMama, it was his delivery that hurt my feelings. His daughter is a grown up young woman who is almost perfect in every way.

I'll tell you what it was about. I bought a jumper from an ebay seller that was not as described. Instead of contacting the seller first I left negative feed back. My son was quite correct I should not have done this. Then instead of returning the jumper for refund which ebay granted (about £15 if I remember) I sent it to the charity shop as I couldn' be bothered packing and posting it.

It was his delivery as you said, GoodMama. He was really annoyed with me and at some length.

That’s very upsetting for you Alexa we don’t need lectures from our AC at any time.Do you think that he imagined he was helping you in some way? Men often have a Mr Fix It hat on when talking of problems, whereas women often simply want a bit of sympathy.
If not, let it go this time, but don’t allow it to become a pattern with him, and if you have to share some news ( that he won’t like) then you have to simply tell him, but pick the best moment when he is relaxed?

Alexa maybe it would be worth mentioning this one time to him, as you did actually agree with him but disliked his overbearing tone.

As you were in agreement with him, it shouldn't open up an argument but just let him know how you felt about the way he spoke.

Would he speak to any other adult in the same way?

I’ve sternly lectured my mother in the past BUT only after speaking to her nicely & politely had failed several times. Sometimes it’s the only way to get someone to listen & realise the seriousness of a situation. If she has listened to me & actually paid attention to what I was saying the first several times, it never would have come to that.

May i ask what your ds lecture you about?
In general and feel free to disclose no details if you do not feel comfortable, what are the news you are scared of telling him?