DD's bullying ex.

So sorry to hear of your DD’s predicament. It bears some resemblance to my own DDs, I will be following this post with interest.

We all know what we would like to do to these insufferable bullies but it’s illegal unfortunately!! Hopefully your daughter will get karma sooner rather than later.

She needs a damn sight more than karma at the moment!

Hello SuperNanny. Real feel for you all as my DS is only just free from his manipulative, cruel ex-wife. I recognise the same pattern of messing about with seeing the children and changing plans at a moment’s notice. You need to get your DD some solicitor’s advice. Check round to find out who is recommended as being good. Our DS found that it was money well spent. A Parenting Plan needs to be set up ASAP. Best of luck.

Have I mentioned The Idiot! He is still messing DD3 around and this impacts on my lovely DGC.

It was my DS who was put in this position. It took him a good year to pick himself up and, several years on, is still learning to stand up to the ex - who also messes the arrangments up.

Lots of support and advice, but let DD make the decisions if you can. I'm sure she'll get there. As already suggested, good legal advice will help, and some of the sensible online forums might help her to realise that she's not alone.

arrangements ! Typing too fast!

Does she have this custody arrangement legally or simply something between themselves? It sounds as she needs set time/days when he can have the children and that he doesn't just turn up whenever he feels like it.
She needs to put distance between him and herself on a personal level, not go on shared outings. Boundary need to be put in place legally.
He will keep on playing his game unless she can be firm and tell him no more messing about.

Yes I agree with jusnoneed Boundaries need to be firmly in place. Have someone else there if he has to come into the house, no shared outings, keep contact to the minimum necessary. Get the access sorted legally. It's not a situation anyone wants to be in but seems his behaviour is forcing your daughter to take these steps supernannyjane I hope things improve for you all.

"I'm at my wits end as to how to help her and get this bully off her back. "

IMO, you can "help her" the most if you encourage her and do all you can to build her confidence as a mum and as a woman. I know it hurts you to see your DD on anti-depressants, etc. I would feel the same way. But please accentuate the positive when you speak to her. It's great that she was wise enough to move out, was able to buy her own house, and has learned to see through his efforts to "string her along." She has been through a lot and has handled it very well. Please tell her that - often - if you're not doing that already.

As for getting this her awful X off her back, I'm afraid you can't only she can do that, perhaps w/ legal help. You can give her some advice, if she wants, but then it will be up to her. I agree that the custody arrangements should be worked out in court if they aren't already. Also, IMO, she should stop asking him to keep kids extra time, etc. - he won't. And I don't think she should ever talk to him alone/should always have another adult with her, and shouldn't answer the door if he shows up unexpectedly. But again, it's up to her if she's going to follow this advice if you give it to her. I wish her the best moving forward.

Thank you all for your advice and support - much appreciated!

Been there. Your daughter needs to see a solicitor and apply for legal separation and to sort out access and custody. Set times, days etc. She can state that the children be picked up at the door and dropped off at the door or anywhere else if she prefers, just as an example, your house, the park. anywhere. He has no rights to enter your daughters house. I hope your daughter has applied for maintenance.
The stress is enormous, I know, but the least contact she has with him, the better it will be.

As they were not married your daughter has sole custody of the children. An unmarried father does not have automatic rights in the same way a married father would. So all his bluster about taking her to court is just that. I expect his hanging around because he wants to keep her dangling. There is no such thing as common law wife/husband. Is he contributing financially. She needs to log all his behaviour and get a restraining order on him so that he does not keep coming I to her home. Good luck

The contact arrangements sound exactly the same as is happening to a young mum at my granddaughters playgroup.She was advised to ask him to fill in a monthly calendar of the dates he would have the little girl which both solicitors have in advance.Then if he arrives and demands to see the little girl or fails to pick her up,the solicitors are advised.This has worked to stop some of the horrendously threatening behaviour.It is still a toxic situation but slightly less so.I think she definitely needs legal boundaries put in place.I am sorry I have no further advice for your daughter and am glad she has support around her.?

As other posters have written, get things sorted out officially.

I wish your daughter success with it all.

Legal boundaries need to be in place for the children's sake.

It's early days your daughter will be totally heartbroken by this mans treatment of her. It takes time to recover from this type of hurt.

The thing you can do is to give her and the children lots of love and support and put happiness back into their lives.

how to help her, and get this bully off her back

Since he is her childrens' father, she can't get him off her back any time soon. He'll be part of her life - and theirs - going into the future. The best thing she can do is to get some legal advice so that there can be proper arrangements for child support and custody. The best thing you can do is to support her and the children. Best wishes .

Just to say I believe the info from Keeperl is not up to date. Unmarried fathers do have the same parental rights and responsibility as married fathers if they are named on the birth certificate (from 1st December 2003 in England and Wales/ 4th May 2006 in Scotland and 15th April 2002 in Northern Ireland)

Really feel for you all.

Do take on board the advice to get legal advice and act on it sooner rather than later.

His behaviour is not acceptable, morally or legally.

Your daughter has done awfully well up to now.
But clearly he feels he can dominate her.
Confusing her, trying to make her lose confidence in her self.
Until he gets the message he will keep on trying. That's why she needs the backup of a legal contract with regards to the children.

It's imperative for her to not see him on her own.

No shared activities with the children especially.
To some men this type of arrangement is a green light to consider the relationship isn't really over.
She cant entertain such a civilised arrangement with this bully.

Try to impress on her not to answer the door if he arrives unexpectedly.

As for not looking you in the eye, I would think he knows you aren't going away any time soon and he cant get his own way if you're around.

If you have the time, can you be at her house when she knows he is coming?

Good luck to you both