Another row brewing.

Wait, this invite the DIL thinks shes declining, is it a real invite?

That does not sound like "resolving" it to me, that will come back around and blow up in the future!

Why are you still talking to your son about it anyway? Tell him to speak DIRECTLY to his sister (and maybe stop lying to his wife) then knock their heads together step back and STAY OUT OF IT!

There is no “normal” family.

Did you try to plead your sons case for an invitation?

As my friend said this morning I just wish all our children could behave like a normal family,

Still haven't worked that out! I think she was annoyed with herself,but it seems to be working out for d in law would not leave her mother at Christmas and now she knows she is welcome she can gracefully refuse the invite.

Why is your daughter upset with you?

Did you try to plead your sons case for an invite?

Oops! Posted before I meant to. But maybe just as well b/c it was getting long. Wanted to add that I especially don't think you should have suggested that DS and family visit DD "another weekend." Good idea, yes, and I know you're trying to help resolve the issue. But how do you know DD would be ok w/ this? Really, IMO, it's up to her to make the invitation, unless he and DIL just plan to visit her area and see her and her kids while they are there. I guess, when things calm down, he could ask if they could stay at her house, if DD is ok w/ a self-invite, etc. But, in the future, I think they need to come up w/ these ideas themselves. Otherwise, if it doesn't work out, guess who will get blames (sigh)?

In fact, even if they ask you for suggestions, I think you should just say you're "confident they can figure it out" or they "know best what will work for them." No doubt, we mums never stop worrying about our kids, even when they're adults. And we don't like it when they are at odds w/ each other. I get it. I would feel the same way. But please - for your own peace of mind - keep out of the middle.

Well-said, BradfordLass!

Kircubbin, so sorry this happened and hope it will blow over soon, as you predict. Please know that you are not alone in having this kind of "sensitive" DIL. Ive seen this before online and I have a friend who has a DIL like this - insists on spending every holiday, etc. w/ her relatives, but gets miffed if she finds out DS' relatives went ahead and celebrated w/o her/them. What do these kind of people expect? That DS' side will skip this/that holiday b/c she and DS aren't joining them? That they will freeze in place until she and DS choose to give them some time? I just don't get it, I really don't.

As for your phone conversation w/ DD, I take it you were arguing over whose "fault" it was. IMO, it was a picky, petty argument that should never have happened, but, unfortunately, we all get caught up in those sometimes, so I understand. True, she could have invited them, knowing they wouldn't come, but she didn't "have to." And true, it would have been better, in hindsight, if you hadn't mentioned it to DS, but you shouldn't have to watch your words, especially when talking to your own son. Granted, one usually doesn't tell someone about a party they weren't invited to, but DS and DIL must know the rest of DS' family do Xmas w/o them, so, IMO, it shouldn't have been such a big deal. IOWs, in my view, it was no one's "fault" but DIL's (for her immature, unreasonable reaction), and I'm very sorry you and DD ended up blaming each other.

Also, I understand about making plans for Xmas in August, especially where plane travel is involved. IDKY you were talking to DS about your Xmas plans so early since he's not involved, but again, I don't think it was such a major issue.

IMO, of the three young people - DS, DD, and DIL - DS has behaved in the most mature way, solving the problem w/ DIL. At some point, I hope he tells her that if she/they consistently choose not to go to certain events, she/they can't expect to continue being invited. But that's up to him.

At this point, though, I think you need to stay out of it period - as in, don't even make "suggestions." DD, DS, and DIL are all adults. Please let them solve this themselves.

It isn't Christmas which spoils Christmas, it's people.

We have a choice. We don't have to spend more, eat more, buy more.

We could, if we really, really wanted have a happy family meal together, no gifts, or if needs must nothing over £10 maximum.

The fact is, we choose not to do any of these things.

WE make a big performance of Christmas - the original one was pretty low key as far as I can tell.

So please stop blaming Christmas for human greed.

It's like blaming the 10 chocolate biscuits you just ate for giving you stomach ache.

If you want to go OP then go and just leave son out of it. He is an adult and whatever he does is his choice. Yes dd is hurt because she is the one going out of her way re food etc but for her that is part of growing up and accepting things as they are. Be more objective if you can, it is dd having the tantrum

Why do people talk about christmas arrangements in sugust? simple, many of us have forward planning to take care of, we don`t all live in small self-contained isolated bubbles

I don't know how I annoyed her,she'll fix probably get over it.Din law must be more sensitive than we knew.

Why did your daughter hang up on you? Did you insist she invited her other brother? Not sure what the conversation was BUT agree with majority....not your problem! Who your daughter invites for Christmas is her choice. Nothing to do with you. All you need to do is say yes or no?

Things were starting to look a bit complicated in our family (daughter getting divorced etc.) so we have opted out of everything and are going to India for three weeks over the festivities.

I'm in the process of telling everyone to cross us off their card list this year.

I deliberately did not use the C word in this post!

I’m with eazybee, these are grown ups, not five year olds, just keep out of it.

Leave them to it Kircubbin and get on with your own life. They will need you before you need them!

And these are adults?

Daughter still hasn't spoken to me since last Wed. Spoke to son and he is not upset but his wife apparently would feel no one likes her if she was left out.He has resolved it by telling her they are invited but she won't want to go and leave her mum. I suggested their family should go another weekend when there will be room for them all.

Why would your annoyed son's wife be hurt? They seem to be normally with her family so perhaps that's what she likes.

It all sounds like a mountain out of a molehill. I'd try not to worry about it. Plenty of time until Christmas. Ask your daughter to ring her cross brother.

I’ll sign your counter petition, Sussexborn! I love Christmas. Though I must say I’m glad I don’t have to plan anything for a few months yet.

Christmas is a time when people are on holiday, so that's when families get together whether some people like Christmas or not. If you have flights to book all the more reason to plan early. Family squabbles and fall outs are awful at any time of year, but particularly upsetting at Christmas. Let things cool down. It's very brave of your DD to invite family with babies. Sorry you find yourself in the middle of a quarrel over what should have been a happy time, but perhaps there's time for them to sort things out amicably.

I really enjoy Christmas so might have to set up a counter petition! DS recently suggested we eat out this year which sounds reasonable. Obviously many people don’t feel it is too early as we are struggling to find a reasonable restaurant that isn’t already fully booked.

Exactly Minniemoo

Where can I sign Opal's petition?!

Minniemoo. My sentiments exactly! ?

Thats very sad for your friend Kircubbin2000. (Kircubbin -area in NI?).
I've had things like this happen with one son and DIL. We're talking now but it will always be fragile.

I love all my family but they aren't the close siblings I thought they would be which is sad. But I prefer to get on with my own life and leave them to it..

I don't see why it is your fault.

At least mine usually get over it. I have a friend whose daughter hasn't spoken to her for 3 years. She claims not to know why and the kids return her gifts.