Estranged son

I probably wouldn’t as, in the circumstances, your son is probably very distressed and becoming aware of a present may cause him additional pain.

Are you quite close to her, ordinarily?
I suppose that would be the deciding factor for me.

If I had never been particularly close I would leave it at a card, I think.

Do they have children, as that too, would have priority?

I would even be slightly worried about the card, your son could take it as a sign of support for his soon to be ex.and almost certainly won't understand any logical explanation you give him as to why you sent it. I agree it is more difficult if children are involved but please be careful.

I am not entirely sure why you are even sending her a card. Perhaps best not to.

No-one on here knows anything about the circumstances that led to the DiL’s affair or what might have driven her to it. So I’m not sure why everyone seems to be jumping to the conclusion that the blame for the relationship breakdown is entirely DiL’s.

Nansypansy in your position I would ask DS how he would feel about you sending a card and go from there.

I would say the same as JA and ask DS how he thinks a card will be received,also if children are involved not acknowledging her birthday could make her spikey regarding the children weither she was at fault or not.

Just a card will suffice---until that fizzles out ?

I am confused Nansy as the title of the thread is estranged son. That implies you are closer to your DiL than your son.

Give your son the chance to advise you, then make a decision based on that.
Good luck for the future to you and your family

If they have children I would definitely send a card. You need to 'keep in with her' if you wish to continue to see your grandchildren. I would tell your son you are sending one. If no children are involved then no I would most definitely not send a card. She has had an affair which has devastated your son. You have no need to keep her happy!

If you want to remain in contact with your DIL then you should certainly send a card. She is still a part of your family.

In your case, I'd send her a lovely card and say nothing about it to your son.

He is divorcing her. That doesn't mean you're obliged to divorce her too.

The relationship between two adults who are both cognitively intact is not the personal business of another adult.

My ex SIL was a serial cheat .He is however the father of two of my lovely GC .so he gets birthday cards ,,even a cake and a presnet for his BIG biirthday and christmas cards and a gift for his new baby .It's not hard to be pleasant even to someone who you cant stand the sight of ,not when there are children in the mix .My ex SIL who we thought of as our own still treats my husband like a dad and turns to him for help with problems .Surely if your DIL was your friend too then a card isn't an issue

Who is estranged?

My family is full of various "no longer inlaws" that are still considered extdnded family so its second nature to us to continue with birthday & christmas cards etc after a divorce, but because it is normal in our family nobody would get upset or think it's taking sides, so I cant say how your son would take it IYKWIM?

It is our normal but your son may not find it normal/neutral!

Only you know the answer, your son, the circumstances
and what's best to do.
You really don't need to be swayed by the knee-jerk reactions on here against your better judgement.

Even consulting your son may not be wise. He may ask you not to send anything - and you may then be sad because you wanted to send the card.
So think about it carefully, make the Big Decision for yourself based on what you know (and we certainly don't).

Are you on good terms with your son? You could, as other people have suggested, ask his view about it?

If they have children, I think you might want to "keep in" with your DIL?

It also depends on how angry you are about her infidelity. If you feel your son didn't behave well within the marriage and is partially to blame, I guess you may well still think highly of your DIL - even if you are very displeased with her.

I'm another one who is confused about the estrangement. Can you please clarify?