Any advice on disinterested ‘friends’

Semiruralgirl, I know exactly what its like, my Husbands (second Husband) friends arent unfriendly but spend time each time we meet talking about their old neigbourhod and old friends whom I couldnt possibly know about, as I live in this Country having come from the UK ages ago,I find it very rude and I always feel "invisible" on these occasions, they dont know a thing about me or my background, and obviously after all these years will never be interested.I couldnt say I am not going to these occasions as my Husband would be raging, so I will just have to sit and listen once again, to their boring lives.We are meeting them on Saturday,think of me!

You're lucky he's got any friends. Mine hasn't. He's never cultivated any.

Oops! Yes, thank you Nannan2, my comment was addressed to Nellie, and was not intended in any way to belittle the difficult situation that Semiruralgirl finds herself in.

About 25 years ago I had a partner who was divorced.
He introduced me to a couple who had been mutual friends of both himself and his wife.
The women was very negative about my partners ex, although I didnt encourage this.
Anyway this women played a few nasty tricks on me. On one occassion asking us to an" informal" night out where I dicovered all the ladies were in lovely cocktail dresses. I turned up on trousers and a top and another time she made me ill by giving me a gin and tonic in a large glass which I thought was mostly tonic but must have been three quarters gin. Then she took a photo of me being sick !!
She arranged for me to come to her house for coffee one Saturday and wasnt in when I got there.
Partner and I split soon afterwards and thank goodness I never had to see her again.
There are some people , who just cant adjust no matter how you try. Best avoided.

Yes, I agree with others on this. When this couple start talking about someone doing something etc., jump into the conversation with your own observations of that particular subject. Personally, I would do this with every conversation that they start. They will soon get the message that you are a part of your OH life, you're a couple and they shouldn't be so dismissive of you. Do let us know how the next meeting goes please.

We have a good male friend who after a very messy split introduced us to a new partner who we were wary of. She is not at all a person we could immediately imagine our friend with but we've gradually warmed to her over say, 15 years! We are beginning, dare I say, to love her for the kindness and care she always shows to our dear friend, for her dry wit (that we couldn't see initially) and for her strong community conscience and for her love of family. Now we have things to say to her directly (at last) - but we don't see them very often as live far away. If they were closer I think this easy conversation might have happened sooner and we could have solved this much earlier.

I happily "popped in on her " on a long journey recently and spent a jolly hour with her. We have many years of history pre-her that does still inevitably come up every time though.

Don't let yourself be thought if as the problem. Do continue to ask lots of questions about them. Nothing is more flattering than having people interested in you. I'm sure eventually things will come good. They aren't necessarily hostile just very slow to discover the real you. I think eventually it will be fine when they see they don't need to "protect" your partner from himself! If they really didn't like you they would probably have crossed you both off the "get-together" list by now.

Good luck!

My husband and I solved a similar problem. We meet such friends separately.
They enjoy it, I enjoy hearing his news when he comes home and vice verse when I go out.
All happy.

I think gaunt47 was just being a bit 'tongue in cheek'

Yes i agree with lessismore,i simply would not go

If in a group situation, I'd leave him to it - doesn't matter how long you and DH have been together, they have a past history that they probably think you won't be interested in.
If there is just the 4 of you, I'd change the subject when they start talking about something from their joint past.
Sounds like you'd be banging your head against a brick wall otherwise - they obviously see themselves as DH's friends only which some people do! As you see them rarely, it's not really worth worrying about!

Heard a great one the other day "my aunt lives in Sidcup" meaning being the conversation is irrelevant to to me.

Not sure if the situation is the same, but a friend of my bloke badly hurt his ex by engaging in an affair and leaving her, his v long term partner, for the new woman.

He expected to import his new woman into his friendship group. Some of the group went along with it, but most didn't.

The atmosphere when the 'new' (it's been over 10 years now) couple turn up for parties or get togethers is often frosty.

Mostly they've gone off and made new friends. Which was for the best I think.

Actually, Gaunt47, I do take part in the conversations, I don’t sit there like a stuffed dummy. I take part in topics of conversations, ask them, discuss etc, but it’s a one way street. This happens a lot generally I think, where people you might meet socially at a party, meeting etc. Ask them a question, and they’ll happily ‘rabbit on’ for ages about themselves until you manage to extricate yourself. Although it’s v. unsociable, most people agree it’s a common occurrence. But in the case I’m talking about, it’s a bit hurtful as I’ve known them so long. Using the magazine metaphor, we bumped into them at an exhibition once. I stood around for a bit, interjecting here and there in the conversation, but in the end I wandered away, having a look at the exhibits, and when I came back 15 minutes or so later, I don’t think anyone had noticed I’d gone!! Anyway,it is really good to get feedback, and thanks everyone. Much appreciated, your messages centre me!

Nellie, good idea about the magazine, but don't be surprised if there's a post on Gransnet asking "why doesn't our friend's wife want to take part in our conversations?"

Thanks Nellie098, that’s helpful. Good to hear of someone in the same position. To be honest, I don’t want to nag about it too much. DH knows how I feel, and when we met old friends of his from abroad recently who always correspond with him at Christmas, I think he was nervous that he and they would end up talking about old friends etc etc because we’d had a discussion about it; but they were delightful and interested and the conversation went like a ‘foursome in a good tennis match’ where everyone participated. Most enjoyable

Yes, join in with what they will talk about whenever you can. Keep your family etc to yourself unless they ask (which they seemingly won't), as that's your business.

Otherwise, listen to all the information they're providing about themselves that you can mentally file as 'scandal' for future use!

My DH's family and two friends are like this. All grew up together and when they meet up always talk about the same things as in when they were young, friends they know, gardening. They meet up once a week and once in a blue moon I will join them. I have tried to change the subject on numerous occasions but they are not interested. I have come to accept this and just sit back and relax.
They will not change, believe me.
Instead of a book take a magazine to look through, more subtle, and then you can use the time to plan in your head something you want or need to do. Above all take some deep breaths and remember, it is a few hours of relaxation then you can get on with your life.

You need to break into the conversation more not just sit there. You know your husband's family and presumably a lot more than you want to about their family, so yes do ask about various relations and mention your own. Try the hairdressers trick of talking about holidays, pets etc. They are bound to have a whole history you are not part of.

Pick your moment. If the conversation is about one of their family members - jump in and say "oh, we had the same issue with cousin x, did you find a way of helping?"

They may be disinterested in you and your family, but they should at least be polite enough to include you in the conversation. Maybe you could feign even more interest in their families - "I remember you mentioning your nephew, how's he getting on now".

Otherwise, go and do something nicer instead.

Don't go?