Advice needed adult stepchild related

I empathise. My partner (don't live together) has a daughter I really don't like. A selfish, attention seeker, who uses her dad and gives him little in return. She was deeply unkind and viscous to me a couple of years ago. I can't forgive it.

But. He loves her dearly and she lives with him so I have to tolerate her. I try not to interact with her much when I see her, try to be busy with something so even if I'm in her company we are not interacting much. IF I can without appearing blatantly rude, I go to another room.

He talks to me at length about her at times. I try not to be negative. If I can't be positive, I reply with an mmm or ah or just a nod.

If I know in advance she's going to be around, I plan to be away, doing other things. I do mostly what is best for me.

Ultimately, after the big scene where she was so viscous, I decided that by being angry and hurt I was the only one suffering. She isn't. She got her own way, so is fine. He isn't. He has her around and is happy. So I resolved to let go of my feelings. I didn't manage it totally, but I do feel a whole lot better than I did.

But no going back to 'nice' family events / outings etc. I just won't do it if she's there.

I would have no respect for any man who walked away from his children for a new wife....regardless of their age they will always be his children and if you dont want to be involved with them maybe you should have thought twice about marrying him.How would you feel if he was like this about your AC?

paddyann she isn't asking HIM not to see then. SHE doesn't want AS MUCH contact.

It should be no problem for him to see his AC without her being around.

I have nothing to do with my stepson and haven't had since 1994 after the death of his father, my husband of 35 years. The venom I suffered from him was beyond belief, he wasn't satisfied with the £12,000 that was left to him as well as the other 3 siblings (£48,000) he wanted the house as well and even got his own solicitor on to it but he was in for a bummer because the house was in both our names.

He'd have been quite happy to have seen me out on the streets. A despicable character who never came near to visit his father for 6 years during his illness with cancer, yet went next door taking deliveries there at the time as I used to see him through the bedroom window then tell his father who was so upset and used to ask why.

He did try brainwashing his sister but she wasn't having any and she has remained to be part of my own daughters and myself and was happy to see her other half-sister when she visited in June from Oz. He didn't even bother, but then it was just as well as I'd have really let rip.

I'd done nothing to him except for being his dad's wife. He's now in his 60's divorced twice and lives alone and what's more, I wouldn't give him houseroom.

You're better off without this sort of conflict, so just make yourself scarce should there be an involvement/meeting/visit.

Thank you so much GaGaJo. It does help to know how others deal with the situation.
I too have said that i will no longer be hosting big events that include this person after the fourth time they ruined one.
If it matters at all, i was not the reason DH marriage broke up. If my children ever behaved in the way this person has i hope i would understand if DH wasnt keen on socialising with them , as DH understands my feelings, to be honest he isnt that keen to see them either, but they are his family and he does want to see his grandchildren
I wasnt saying at all that we would stop seeing them just ,maybe foolishly , asked for advice as i imagined there might be others in a similar situation.

How do you know the OP's husband walked away from his children, Paddyann? Are parents supposed to stay together forever 'for the sake of the children'? Your reply to the OP was judgmental and unkind.

Scorpio57 is your dh aware of your feelings? I think this is only going to be satisfactorily resolved by both of you working together on the issue.

Difficult one, but I wonder if the other siblings are jealous that your husband is no longer estranged from the other? What can you do though? I would think that to be quietly supportive of your husband and make sure that gatherings are kept to a minimum. We tend to go out for lunch now, much less hassle and in your case hopefully everyone is on best behaviour. X

AC can have jealousies and bitternesses all by themselves. It isn't necessarily about you Scorpio. The previously estranged AS sounds to be the reason the others are clamouring for DHs attention.
I think you can only do the best you can to stay civil, stay supportive and enjoy your life as best you can and hope all this runs its course as it is bound to. Nothing lasts forever..

TY SueDonim . Yes my DH knows exactly how i feel , we are both singing from the same hymn sheet. We have already agreed that we dont always have to jump every time this person makes a request and we don't have to see this person together.
Daisymae good advice re quiet support . I am trying. We have done the eating out a few times already and it has worked better.
Grammaretto i think you and Daisymae are right . Its just one of the siblings though seeming to have become more demanding since DH s reconciliation with estranged one and it is the one that we have had past difficulties with. I think there is jealousy and also concern that some things may come to light ....we have already been made aware of a few deceptions/ untruths on their part due to speaking to the other siblings. But hey ho Grammaretto.. very wise words ..nothing lasts forever. Thank you ladies

I forget to say, my partner has a son, too. No issues with him. He has his own life, doesn't cause problems, is friendly to me, includes me but equally isn't bothered if I don't join in.

It IS just his daughter.