I could never have imagined this situation

Lumarei I wouldn't think your reaction to such a situation - i.e. that there is nothing "odd" about it - is not a common one.

If you have a spouse or a partner, I think it is reasonable to expect to share a fair amount of your time with them - or at least for them not to absent themselves for the best part of 3 years- even in the difficult circumstances described.

You say your partner "does things on his own terms". That sounds pretty selfish to me if it means he goes his own way without considering the feelings of those close to him. You may well be able to deal with that - and perhaps it suits you too. But it doesn't suit the OP.

No Lumrei except the OP says she is totally unhappy and anxious about it all. Replies are based on this.

Sorry, I wouldn’t find it difficult.

I can’t see anything odd about your DH’s behaviour. My DH would be/do exactly the same. He does things on his terms. Due to the nature of my husband’s work (only recently retired) I spent half my life on my own and I am used to it and even like it. I have to get used to him being always around and find it not easy. So I would find your situation difficult especially with friends nearby.

Agree flaxwoven but you are only taking a small part of this whole scenario. This man has been living in UK for 3 years for various reasons.

I have absolutely no wish to hurt the OP and I really don't think others do either but he seems to have one excuse after another to remain in UK WITHOUT his wife!

Whichever way you look at this - does it really add up to showing consideration for ramblingrose?

Have you made any progress ramblingrose? Have you contacted your in-laws in UK to say you are visiting?

I was a medical secretary and some patients do not want close relatives to know their medical details, and we had to be very careful what we said and check their notes etc. and also never give results over the phone because you couldn't be sure who you were talking to. Early on in the job I got trouble for telling a man's wife I was ringing from xxxx department and he had never told her about his appointment or his condition. My advice to this worried lady is that the only way forward is to find the right time to have a real heart to heart talk, face to face, in a caring and loving way. Often men want to shy away from discussing personal matters, they'd rather talk about football, but I believe talking is the only answer, not crying, not getting angry, not accusing, just getting gently to the heart of the matter.

Yes I agree notanan2

Essentially he is behaving like he is single. Like you are a friend not his life partner.

We can speculate as to whether he is doing so to protect you thinking its a kindness, or doing it to hide things from you and keep you at arms length.

But whichever it is, its not how you act in a marraige!

"he is preparing you to live on your own when he is gone. He has just gone through a harrowing experience with his mother being there for her as she died before his eyes as the person goes along time before they actually die with dementia" MawB quoted kergloo.

It is a great pity when a marriage is in trouble for whatever reason, divorce, estrangement, or death. If a man does prepare his wife for a loss of whatever sort I think this is a sign of a good man.

This bit wouldn’t wash with me RamblingRose He says he doesn’t speak french well enough and with the NHS doctors he can discuss issues in detail.

He could pay in France to take an interpreter with him to appointments - usual cost approx €15 per hour.

Cheaper by far than flights ‘home’.

That said, he’s been gone 3 years....

I think it’s over. Have you asked him directly?

he is preparing you to live on your own when he is gone. He has just gone through a harrowing experience with his mother being there for her as she died before his eyes as the person goes along time before they actually die with dementia

Why be so melodramatic? klerg000
Died before his eyes - I considered myself to be privileged to have been with my father throughout his final hours and as he passed away and in the same way, although heartbroken, to be with my darling DH as he slipped away.
So please reconsider your melodramatic turn of phrase which implies some tragic drama.
It really doesn’t wash as either an excuse or a reason.

Your situation is not easy and I would say it's a shame he is not using the French medical system, a) a brilliant system b) physically nearer c) easier for your couple. If you are satisfied there is nothing untoward, I would simply adapt and accept the situation and let him be. As some of us nowadays remain married for many years, it is possible that one of the partners sometimes needs a bit more space and freedom without going separate ways. It might just be the case.

It may be strange to you what he is doing and seem as though he does not care about you but I do see the opposite. I think he is worried that something might happen to him and in some way is preparing you to live on your own when he is gone. He has just gone through a harrowing experience with his mother being there for her as she died before his eyes as the person goes along time before they actually die with dementia and I think he is trying to save you from what he went through. He is honest and open about his illness as you have seen the paperwork and you know who he is staying with. hopefully he will recover and you go on to have many years together
Do what he wants and make a life there without him for a while but don't stop letting him know you want to be there for him and maybe find a reason to come over with him if you can don't push him to go to his appointments but just come over with him every now and again but let him know whatever happens you want to be there. You could tell him it really hurts you not to be able to care for him Just say it and leave it at that. best wishes to you both

perhaps, as others have said, he is just comfortable being in a system that uses his mother tongue.
The fact that you can't afford to both fly indicates a tight budget so he stays with his sister, it could be that sister and brother-in-law have asked him to come alone for a number of possible reasons. Maybe they struggle to feed him and don't want to add another mouth to their budget. Maybe they just don't have the space for two extra guests or maybe the sister feels comfortable with her own brother in the house but would feel more effort would be required with her sister-in-law.

Thanks to all those who read my post properly and responded thoughtfully and kindly.

I'm just wondering how much it costs to get from France to (presumably) London? Surely it can't be that much and as he has accommodating family, even that wouldn't be a drain on their budget.

RamblingRose I do hope you get this sad situation sorted out soon.

It's my feeling that his actions are passive-aggressive. They would be guaranteed to be hurtful to a partner.

As people who have knowledge of the French health system have all said it is probably superior to our own, I can't understand why he would go to the expense and risk the exhaustion and disruption of frequent flights to Britain - other than to physically and emotionally distance himself from you.

Perhaps he is scared but can't admit even to himself that he is, so he builds a wall around himself that no-one, least of all those nearest to him, can penetrate.

This is just my take on the situation but I may be completely wrong. Anyway, I really don't know how I would deal with it but it would definitely make me feel angry - and then guilty for feeling angry.

I think I would eventually have to tell him how I feel and how upsetting it all is and see what his reaction is.

I hope some of the responses on here are helpful to you as it must be very upsetting to feel physically and emotionally excluded from your husband's life at such a difficult time in both your lives.

As your husband is open with you about his health, has he told you if his condition is expected to resolve and/or what its long term progress is likely to be?

Btw, I guess moving from France back to the UK is unlikely to be a stress-free undertaking. It may simply be that that is his reason not to do it, especially while he is unwell.

RamblingRose do you get on well when you are together?
You need to explain to him how you feel about the long separations, and ask for his help in what you both can do about this.

His wish not to move back to the UK could be because he wants to regard this illness as something temporary, after which he will resume life in France.

I am baffled as to how the husband manages the travelling if the heart condition is serious. There are days when I have to go to hospital appointments and I can barely manage the ten minute car journey let alone get on a train or plane.
My DH always attends his hospital appointments and procedures on his own but it is to save me the sitting around for hours especially when I was vulnerable to infection.
Maybe he is considerate and trying to save her from worrying but that behaviour itself causes worry.

This comes on the back of he spent months on end with his mother for whatever reason he doesn’t want to be in France whether it’s France or whether it’s his marriage he wants to be in UK doesn’t he? Surely that’s obvious
First it was his mother now it’s his bad health how good can all this travelling be doing a man with a bad heart can he get insurance for regular flying with a worse than we thought heart condition
You ve suggested BOTH coming back to uk but he doesn’t want that either This isn’t comfortable thinking but surely it’s entered your head that he wants to be in UK but alone
I do hope you can get something sorted out one way or the other

RamblingRose47 I can understand what you are going through in terms of semi detached living. My husband is a doctor, I'm a nurse. We moved to France ten years ago when my husband retired. I was only in my mid fifties and very soon became antsy not working, I couldn't get a job in France, certainly not nursing as my spoken French wasn't good enough. Having decided I was finding it hard to settle and my husband wasn't convinced he wished to stay, we bought a flat in the UK, in our old home town and I returned to work. We decided to sell our French house, he remained in France and we were living apart for three years till we sold the house and moved back to the UK. During those three years my husband used to come over for a week every month or I went over for a long weekend. It worked amazingly well for us. Regarding the health system, I echo your comments. When you retire to the EU....and have paid your dues all your working life into the NHS you most certainly are allowed to use it. The French health system is usually much better, shorter wait lists or none at all and they don't have NICE deciding which drugs can be used...if there is a drug, and it can help you, they will prescribe it. But it sounds like your husband knows the NHS and feels safer using a system he knows. No one can know what its like in another persons marriage...it sounds like he is very private and will only share what he feels comfortable sharing. I think the advice you have been given regarding deciding where your future may lay if anything does happen to your husband, is good advice. Good luck.

I assume that he has S1 entitlement and see no problem at present:

'UK state pensioners who live elsewhere in the EEA will now have the same rights to NHS care as people who live in England. This applies to all pensioners who receive a UK state retirement pension and registered for healthcare in Europe with an S1 form.'

www.expatnetwork.com/expats-have-to-pay-for-nhs-care/

Helena I believe you are refering to S1 entitlement which is a way of retirees resident country to reclaim costs. It is a reciprocal arrangement. It means that the NHS provide the care but do not pay for it. The resident country pays. So its not an entitlement to NHS funded healthcare as such! The OP says her husband is not funding his care through their resident country's system so if the NHS is footing the bill, not just providing the care (but being paid) that is fraud.

What will happen when uk leave the EU? He won't be able to get free care here then. Unless of course he willing to deceive the NHS by saying he is resident here.