My daughter and my partner

This is why you never vent to family members. They see the other person through your comments and depending on the offence, it may be hard to unring the bell.

In your OP, you say it took 3 months to patch up the relationship with your partner after what happened.

It must have been a big issue if it took 3 months to be able to fix it.

I think it's best in these situations not to share with your family,as when the situation resolves,you are feeling a ok again and naturally your DD is feeling angry still on your behalf and protective over you. Unless she has another reason she doesn't feel enamoured towards your partner.

Per se

"The person who LEAST wants the relationship tends to control how much of a relationship there is". Starlady I'd never thought of that before but that really resonated with me.

Generally speaking AC will tell their parent(s) if they are unhappy or having problems with their partner, and no doubt expect that when their parent(s) see their partner, if they're trying to make a go of the relationship, that their parent(s) will be civil and keep what they've been told to themselves.

IMO it isn't unreasonable for parent who has confided in their AC to expect the same.

To avoid any confusion I am not of course including a situation of abuse.

It is impossible to advise without knowing what your partner did. Not everything can be safely forgiven and forgotten. Even knowing that she hasn't liked your previous partners doesn't help us to advise you because some people just do keep picking partners who abuse them and treat them badly. And abuse doesn't just mean physically hitting you either. This is a topic I am currently very concerned about in my family and I realise victims often aren't ready to face up to the seriousness of their situation. Is it possible your daughter considers there is a real reason to be worried about you or were the things you told her normal things that might happen to anyone if a relationship was going through a bad patch?

I think its the fact that her mother told her about problems in the relationship rather than her just not approving.I know when my daughter had an abusive partner that she wouldn't see sense about I was angry that she wouldn't leave him.
Justifiably so as she almost died after he beat her to a pulp.Maybe the OP told her daughter something that worried her in the same way and she thinks her mum is making ahuge mistake staying with him .

I can't understand this at all.

Once your daughter has had her say, that should be an end to it.

I think a lot of people don't like their family members choice of partner; most would be on their own if they waited for family approval.

Our children aren't here to carry our burdens. Talk to friends or support groups like this or free counselling services...

Cassy not knowing what exactly your partner did that prompted you to tell your daughter - it is hard to know if she is over reacting or whether she is genuinely worried about you?

You said somewhere that your D has disliked other partners? Then why did you give her fuel to dislike another?

I may have missed something along the way of the threads but sounds to me like you use your D as a sounding board? But once you forgive and forget you want her to do so also? Obviously she can't!

Don't think you can force any sort of reconciliation with your partner and daughter. She obviously cares for you a great deal and is worried.

My advice would be to apologise to her and tell her either you were wrong OR you made more of it than there was OR she is right but you think he deserves a second chance but don't want to lose her.

In time, she may see how happy you are and soften a bit? Who knows? As said, we don't know what he did to start with.

Shropshireless, what a difficult position to be in! Is DH (dear husband) your D's dad or stepdad? If he's her stepdad, how was their relationship before their falling out?

It's lovely that DH wants to begin to reconcile w/ her. But if she's not interested, it's not going to happen. IMO, the person who LEAST wants the relationship tends to control how much of a relationship there is.

"I am torn and very unhappy but feel powerless to change anything."

I get that this is hurting you, but, IMO, you're right, you are "powerless to change anything." So please don't waste your energy trying.

You don't need to be "torn" or in the middle, though. Please just continue seeing D on your own and let go of the idea of
her coming to your home or getting together w/ DH, as well. (Hopefully, you don't spend any of your time w/ her trying to change her mind about DH). Other than that, please continue to just enjoy your life w/ DH. IMO, you can be as sympathetic to him as you like if he voices the wish to "get back on track" w/ your D. Just please don't dwell on it. Easier said than done, I know (sigh).

I'm so sorry about this, cassy! Same w/ the other posters here who are in similar circumstances.

"I know I should have not said anything, but after a fairly mentally draining relationship in the past, I don't wish to hide things from anyone."

I get this ^. But if you felt the difficult period you were going through was on a par w/ that draining relationship, maybe your D has a reason to be concerned.

Even if not, please remember that she probably recalls that relationship, too, and so is more likely to be worried if you tell her anything negative about this one.

Besides, as you tell us, she has been against all your relationships since she was a kid. So it's almost inevitable that she'll grab onto anything negative you tell her about your partner and not let go of it very easily.

Given her negative feelings about him, I don't think his talking to her will help the situation at all. Instead, I'm afraid it will fan the flames of her resentment and make things worse.

Please just remember that your relationships are not up to her. I think PPs (previous posters) have given you some good advice about what to say to her or her partner if/when either of them bring it up again. Don't engage in a conversation/argument about it. What's the expression? - "don't JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain)" any further. Keep your reply short & sweet and change the subject. If they try to change it back, end the conversation or visit. Hopefully, though, they'll respect your decision to change the subject.

My daughter fell out with my husband about 8 years ago. I see my daughter occasionally (she lives quite a distance away) but she will never visit our house. My husband has said he wants to get back on track with her but she is not having any of it. I am torn and very unhappy but feel powerless to change anything. My D is very strong willed, there was fault on both sides and I am stuck in the middle.

I no longer tell my daughter much about things I don't want her interference with. She can't be trusted. It was very sad for me to realise that a couple of years ago, but it's true.

She badly let me down by being vindictive in the recent past, and although we have partially rebuilt our relationship, I will not allow her to do it to me again. SO. She is no longer privy to details of a lot of my life. She knows I feel this way and frankly, only has herself to blame.

Someone who knew what they were talking about advised me when I was first married never to tell a sister/family member any about any marital problems as they will remember long after you have forgotten all about the issue.
I have always regretted the one occasion I ignored this advice.

Hi, some of the advice given to Cassie worries me a bit. Lots of people don't have anyone but a family member to offload to

You miss understand.
Some people only confide when there is a problem.
The confidant will think that problem is ongoing unless they hear otherwise.

People like that dont tell you about the resolutions, only the acute arguements, so all you hear is the awful bits!

When their relationship is good, they dont "offload" so their friends and family dont know that its 20% bad 80% good. From their perspective its 100% bad !

I have over shared with my daughter too, now because I am back with my partner she and the rest of the family wont speak to me at all. Wish I had kept my mouth shut. I try to speak to her and everyone else but they have agreed a wall of silence until I dump him! Its got to the point that even if I did do what they request the damage between us all is too great. This has been ongoing for 9 months.

Discontent in an intimate relationship is a private matter and it is very unwise to disclose it to anyone in the family as then this starts emotional ripples all round. As someone has said on this thread, this is what a good friend is for.
However if it is beyond a good friends purview then go to a marriage relationship counsellor.

Keep a journal or diary for private thoughts so that you can review things your self. Telling relatives your problems is not helpful. These are matters to be kept private or revealed in suitable situations.

When you have made a decision about a relationship; if for example you wish to split up and your partner has agreed, at that point it is necessary to advise family members of your decision.

You want any emotional upset to leave as few emotional ripples in your family as possible.

there is some good advice on this thread as to how to help heal the matter and resolve it.

Hi, some of the advice given to Cassie worries me a bit. Lots of people don't have anyone but a family member to offload to; although this might not be the ideal, it's often better than holding stuff in and becoming overwhelmed. Although it's possible to offload in spaces like this, it's sometimes difficult to explain when the parties are unknown.

I'm also rather concerned that others have shut down their friends and family when they've tried to talk about a relationship. Having worked with survivors of abuse for most of my working life, one of the things that stop abused people telling others what's going on is their initial reception. They will speak about a lesser "offence" to "test" the waters; being shut down could stop them seeking help and prolong their abuse.

Cassy, without knowing what the upset with your partner is, it is difficult to know whether your daughter is being over protective or not. If there was violence or abuse involved, I could understand her being worried. Similarly if there was a third party or financial shenanigans involved, I think she would be within her rights to worry. However, if it is just within the normal range of upsets couples go through, I would calmly ask her and her husband to accept your decision to attempt to work things out. Tell them you appreciate their loyalty to you but would appeal to them to be civil even if they can't be warm.
My sister has similar problems with her adult children but from where I'm standing I can see that they know just how badly her judgement is skewed when it comes to relationships which impacted upon them as children quite significantly, so they have learned to be more wary than she is.

It sounds as if you daughter needs to grow up, pull her head in and get on with her own life!
Sorry, but this person has ruled your life and affected all of your relationships for so long that she doesn't know when to stop.
There are some people that you should not discuss your relationship problems with and with her history, your daughter is one of them.
The fact that you and your partner are trying hard to make a go of things, to me , means she should be supporting you both and not trying to get in between you like she obviously is trying to be. It isn't up to your partner to speak to her - if he did, I doubt if she would listen.
Please sit down and tell her that you are sorry that you offloaded on her, but you and your partner are getting on a lot better and looking to a future together , so you would appreciate it if she could support you both by being at the very least ,polite. This will no doubt end up with her stomping off, but it is your life, not hers and you are entitled to be happy.
If worse comes to worse and it ends,and I sincerely hope it won't, you have obviously picked yourself up before, and will do again

The only thing you can do is to explain to your daughter that although whatever it was your partner did that you confided to her was hurtful, you and he are sorting things out.

She may not like him, but for your sake she should try to be polite about and to him, and that any scathing comments she feels the need to make about him, should be addressed to her partner when neither you nor your partner are present.

If she were my daughter I would be sorely tempted to tell her that she need not expect any more confidences, but it is probably better not to say that.

Sadly if you tell ppl they are always going to see that side of them, I wouldn’t personally involved my daughter in it,I feel for you and hope she n her partner come round and I wish you all the best

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I have told him that he needs to speak to her about the issues

He doesn't.
That could just seem like more dumping of 'parent stuff' onto your DD.

Tell her you're sorry you told her things while you were upset, you've made it up with your partner now, and ask her how you can all improve the situation.

This is the reason why I never confide in any of my 3 kids about my husband or past partners now. I have told them stuff in the past and they end up hating them so much that it can never be undone. I know what you are going through and even though it might be tough then just don't confide in them again. Hopefully they might come around in time, but I wouldn't count on it. If you want to have a moan about them then do it on this wonderful site and we will listen and make comments but relatives or friends are just a no no. Take care and I hope things get better for you. Take care.