Confused and unhappy

I was once advised ‘how much of your time together are you happy/unhappy?’ If the balance is in the wrong direction, consider if you want to spend the rest of your days like this. If the good times outweigh the bad .... great, but .... At the end of the day only you know the answer.

What are the positives of this relationship and do they outweight the negatives?
It doesn't really sound as if they do. I don't really see what you would lose from separating. If you don't have companionship, what do you have? You have friends and family, even if you don't spend that much time with them.
It is hard to recover after a hysterectomy and not the best time to make big changes but, personally, I would start planning and check his rights so that you know the best way to end things.

I’m with Daisymae’s thoughts

Hope you’re ok. Don’t panic. X

Time to go your separate ways. What does he mean he just wants his money back - does he mean he's entitled to have lived rent-free for the last ten years? Think on!

Thank you for all your replies which I will read later. Ive just had a letter referring me to the Haematology Dept at the Hospital so Im panicking. Im here on my own and dont want to worry my sons.

I also think people find it a lot easier for both themselves and their partner to have tangible, logical reasons why they should no longer be with someone. It’s less hurtful if it’s logical, ie “nothing in common”, rather than trying to explain that your feelings have changed. Romantic relationships are generally not based on logic but feelings. The logical differences didn’t matter when the right feelings were there earlier on.

Get rid asap...the house is yours and if he can't be bothered to look after you after major surgery then that shows a lot about the sort of person he is

Get rid of him. You deserve the best. The best might be being alone without the chores he incurs!

Despite loving motorbikes (I can't ride any more due to disabilities) it sounds like he isn't the same sort of motorcyclist that all of my bike friends, not myself are. Bikers are a caring lot generally and lots have families and other hobbies too. A hobby shouldn't take over to the detriment of those you live though. They should give a bit of me time, plenty of enjoyment and some freedom to express yourself. They shouldn't take over and certainly shouldn't alienate your loved ones.

Reading your posts, I'm sorry to say that it looks like he couldn't care less and had his own agenda. Including having his cake and eating it, at your expense. It may be worth listing the pros and cons of the relationship to see if you are actually getting anything out of it. Life is too short to feel unloved, uncared for, neglected and used.

I think that you already know in your heart what you want to do, but it's a frightening prospect. I've been there and survived, only to find out that I can thrive and should've done it years ago! My kids (in their 20s) said it was the best thing I ever did. Whatever you decide, you'll never be alone.

Sb74 I agree, if you're comfortable together. After all we can all find friends outside the home to share interests with. But the way the OP's partner expressed this sounded like he was preparing to call it a day, or at the very least resenting being there.

Poor Flakesdayout ... it's a bit of a dilemma, isn't it? However I think you need to decide whether you are better off on your own or with this man. If you want to stay with him then you will just have to put up with the loneliness in your own home, abandonment every weekend, and insults (in front of your neighbour, quite unforgiveable IMO). If you prefer to live alone and be happy then that's fine but in that case you need to consider your course of action.

You say he quickly moved in with you but don't make it clear whether you are actually married or just living together. If the latter, it's easy. Put the house on the market and start looking for a smaller place for you to live on your own (maybe close to your sons/friends) ... once the sale goes through pay him back any money he may have invested and get on with a happy life, with the chance of meeting someone who shares YOUR interests. If the former, and the house is still in your name only, see a solicitor and make sure your finances are secured and safe from him before you start any proceedings.

I have to say that, in your place, I know exactly what I would do and it doesn't involve any motorbikes!

It sounds as though you'd be better off on your own. He probably won't change for the better if he isn't already trying to do so. I'm sorry that this hasn't worked out better for you and wish you good luck in whatever decision you take.

I don’t think that partners have to have much in common other than love and laughter? When people start to question if they have anything in common with their partner it’s because other things are missing imo. If you love someone and enjoy being with them you don’t need joint hobbies. Values and views are more important. Laughing together. I’m very happy with my partner. We have quite different interests but have similar values. We spend a lot of time together with our kids and prefer each other’s company to being with others. I don’t even agree with him on many things and we have interesting discussions on our views. He drives me mad at times as I do him but I love him to bits and he loves me. I think having stuff in common is a red herring. None of that matters if you like being together. That’s my view anyway. After two divorces and now engaged to my partner of 7 years, I have realised this!!

I think you know in your heart what the answer is. It’s just never easy to do. If you feel you will be happier without him as things are then so be it. He won’t change and he has made it clear how he feels. Men often say and do things hoping the woman will do what’s necessary because they are cowards and don’t want to look bad by ending it. He’s put his cards on the table and I would imagine he’s hoping you will respond to that by ending it. I’m sorry to be so brutal and I hope it doesn’t upset you but this is how I read the situation. Good luck op. Im sure you will be much happier once through the difficult part.

I am sorry but I read into this "Last Sunday my partner stated that we have nothing in common, and are just like good friends. He picked on almost everything, even to where I was eating my dinner!" that he's telling you the relationship that was is over for him. And unless he suggests you could spend some time on his hobby with him, I don't think it's worth suggesting it yourself. In fact he may even have feelings for someone he sees on these weekends - not saying he's lying about where he is, but the other person may also be on this hobby. If you can bear to bring yourself to say it, tell him it's over. No point dragging it out any more. If the criticism of your habits has started then it's a slippery slope to verbal bullying - and that really WOULD destroy your confidence and make it harder to break up.

This is painful and your life is clearly nothing like the life you hoped for when you met your partner. Things do change in relationships but at the moment walking on egg shells doesn't sound like the relationship you need to enhance your life. I understand that it is very frightening to consider living on your own, even when a relationship is a bad one - I've been there. I hope you will consider advice given here to do two things - first, on your own, get legal advice. Second, ask him to go for couple counselling. Allow yourself to consider the possibility of making a new life for yourself, if you part from him. But above all - take your life back into your own hands, whatever you do. No more egg shells.

Carolanne I was thinking the same. I was in a marriage but apart from the children completely alone as his hobby was all he ever did or thought about. I was very lonely. At least now he has gone claiming incompatibility after 40 years. I am still ‘alone’ but not missing him in any way as I can now do what he always did, anything I like.

I am on my third marriage and admittedly the first 2 were not ended by me (both husbands left me for other women). I am now grateful that they did as I am with a lovely man and we have been married 20 years.
We have so much in common and many shared interests but still have a few things we do separately.
I love to sing and he doesn’t mind listening. He is a bit more of a home bird and I get stir crazy if I’m indoors to long.
We work together as we have a guest house and at times it can be very stressful but I think it is our feelings for each other that keep us strong.
I think you need to sort it out in your mind whether your feelings for your spouse are strong enough to keep going or whether being without him would give you a better life.
Life is too short to be unhappy.

You don’t sleep together. You don’t eat together (buy more comfortable dining chairs for yourself?). You seem disinterested in one another. You are living as house sharers really. Plus walking on eggshells?

I’d split. Not because of the above per se but because deep down you know you aren’t happy.

LBH you don't really have a relationship do you? If you are not ready to step away from him completely it would be a good idea to build up your own hobbies and interests so that you develop a more independent life. He may then start to show a little more interest or carry on in his same selfish ways. If the latter you may well feel more able then to make a complete split. You will already have built up another life without him and find that he is an unnecessary appendage you can do without. You can do this

Sometimes you can be lonelier in a relationship than being on you own.

Since my children and grandchildren moved away..... I have kept myself occupied with work , it finally hit me at the end of the summer holidays X we had them all staying and when they left the house seemed empty and cold . My partner of 24 years has his own hobbies , golf , mountain biking and I realised we have nothing in common .. I enjoy walking and visiting national trust properties ...all of this I was doing with my friends . They then went back to their partners and families I went back to an empty nest...I realised I was relying on other people for my happiness. I have been off work for 2 weeks now with depression friends and family are great but I cannot always rely on others ....I to am unhappy and confused xxxx need to find an answer

He must know that he is being neglectful and selfish, but obviously isn’t prepared to change. I would ask him to sit down and listen while you tell him exactly what you put on Gransnet. Then give him an ultimatum , and a deadline to
put up, or ship out!
Some people are so wrapped up in their own affairs that they just aren’t prepared to take time to spend on others. He sounds like one of these. If he isn’t prepared to make an effort, I think that you would probably be happier without him. Only you can decide if having him around the house, even if you aren’t getting much out of the relationship, is better than living alone.
I presume that he pays his share of the household expenses, and isn’t freeloading? Do either of you work?

I think most relationships hit this point but it our you get past it . Do just bury your head in the sand and carry on ? I find my husband throw away comments hurtful but my patience is wearing thin with him . The thing is would you rather be on your own or put up with it . What a dilemma .