Lazy son in law

I have this same issue with my daughter and her boyfriend - though thankfully there are no children yet in the mix. She works full time then comes home and does most, if not all of the cleaning. Of course I'm outraged. He ought to be helping her. And I don't buy this BS about this being just how men are - if men haven't been raised to help out in the house, or to take criticism, if they need to be "got around" and manipulated then that's a fault in their rearing, not in their gender. I've met plenty of men capable of having a discussion without manipulation, and capable of carrying their share of the chores and the bills, the physical and emotional load.

I want to interfere. Of course I do. That's my kiddo, and I love her, but I can't. This is a lesson she has to learn on her own. Instead I'm always around when she needs to vent. If she asks my advice, I remind her that she deserves an equal partnership - but mostly, I listen. It's hard, but since when has been being a parent easy? Thankfully, too, my daughter is fairly young yet. She has time to make mistakes and learn from them. I have to admit, if this is still going on ten years from now.. it will be a lot harder to sit and not inerfere.

So sorry about this gagsville. IMO, the biggest problem for you is that DD is telling you too much about her rows w/ SIL. It's hard for a mum to hold back and not try to help when he AC keeps unloading on her. Yet, I know you don't want to close your ears to DD or tell her she can't vent to you. It's a difficult position to be in and again, I'm so sorry.

It sounds to me as if the cleaner might help. But I would ask DD about it first. The next time she complains, just tell you're willing to do this if you decide you are.

Also, if/when she gripes, you could suggest Relate. Or ask her if she has thought about it. But that's all. After that, it's up to her/them.

Even if she says no to these ideas, at first, she may think it over and change her mind. But, IMO, you can only mention each of them once. Then step back and let them work this out themselves.

And, of course, be as loving and reassuring to your GC as you can (you're probably already doing that.)

It's so hard being parents and having to work just makes it harder.

Seeing it from your daughter view point.
You are lucky if you get hubby to do housework especially if he never had to do it when at home with his parent.
The thing is you can't tell a man what to do, hes' an adult and will not appreciate it. You have to try other ways to get him to comply and sometimes it's just not possible.

Working mums need help this usually comes from family or paying someone to help like a cleaner etc.
There maybe no money for a cleaner, you could perhaps help if that is possible or pay for someone to come round once a week.
If you don't work and live near you could help with other jobs in the house.
Just try and help around what works for the couple.
My own daughter is on maternity leave, goes back to work next month, she employs a cleaner once a week but she is still very busy with two children. Never seems to stop and she's not back at work yet. We don't live close so cannot help.
Best of luck

Op cannot help by fulfilling the tasks the dd's dh does not want to do at home

Aye me too Hetty and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Times have changed, the expectations in work are enormous. OP wishes to help.

grapefruitpip, you said:

'she can't look after 2 kids and work'

but plenty of women do! She works four days. I wonder how many hours? I worked full time and looked after four children. I had no choice (and no help) as my husband died young!

I agree about not interfering, even when you can see things are badly wrong, it’s not your place to comment, I don’t think any good can come from interfering, but if you can offer some practical help, I’m sure it will be much appreciated

All you can do is listen and agree that life is hard when you are a new parent especially when you have to return to work.
No shame in offering to pay for some home help if they will accept it.
It may tide them over a tricky patch. It's hard to love someone if you are permanently tired and they don't seem to help much.

This is how a meddling mil starts - by wanting to "help" interfering in other adult's life, with the excuse of the DNA link

They are both working and raising children and a bit of help with basics affords them some breathing space.

It's not about a cleaner....but it can lessen the load.

Totally agree with what had been said. Take a step back and let them sort things out between them. Really not the parents job to get involved.

Nope! Don't get involved and don't get a cleaner. That's an equally bad and enabling idea that won't fix the problem. They may both need marriage counselling. Let them solve their own issues and do your best not to get personally invested in this, for if anything goes wrong, you will be their scapegoat. Then they'll reconcile and you'll still be the scapegoat. If you want to help them, try and spend more time with your grandchildren and let them figure out their own marriage.

I remember growing up in a household where Mummy and Daddy never rowed but hated each other.

The poor lady needs practical help, she can't look after 2 kids and work. Get a cleaner. Do a shop on line for them.

I wouldn't get involved.My mother used to complain about me doing everyting around the house,but my husband worked on average 6 hours a day more than I did often driving more than 100 miles in the process.I was happy to keep things going at home and we have a sort of 1950's marriage I do all house stuff clean cook wash iron look after children ,he does repairs,decorates ,car stuff and heavy gardening .Every marriage is different and as long as they can come to some agreement about who does what its none of teh OP's business or anyone elses.

I think the rows are the big problem. I still remember (only too well) how upset I was when my parents argued. It made me feel unwanted, insecure and frightened - as if my world were falling apart. I'd sit somewhere else, out of sight, and listen, shaking uncontrollably. I'd wonder if it was my fault!

I think you need to take a huge step back.

Parents should never get involved in their AC's relationships, and AC should never ask their parents to get involved.

A parent's instinct is always to protect a child. That's okay. That's normal. That's what parents do. But it also means that a parent is not an objective third party.

If your daughter comes to you with these issues, you might say to her that while you can see she is upset, you being her mom are probably not the best person to help with this issue, as you can't be fully objective. A marriage counselor would be better suited to helping her, as they are an objective third party.

One of my daughters lives with a man who is absolutely useless in every way, he does nothing, while she works full time and races around with the children.
We never say anything, but I help her out a lot with childcare and money, although sometimes I feel we’re enabling her to continue in such a one sided relationship.
If I didn’t buy food and clothes for them, she’s have to do something about it.

My son in law is very lazy at home too. It seems unfair as my daughter works part time and two of their children don't sleep well. She is always on the go at home. He has an active, physical job, however, and hers is a desk job.

When they're all at home, SIL is chatty and happy but 'Like a fourth kid' she says. She's resigned to it and they seldom argue. Often, though, she comes to me with the kids 'for a rest' and leaves him at home. Then (and only then) he cleans and tidies the house really well. Maybe it's a sense of being temporarily 'in charge' that sparks this non-typical behaviour.

Why are you terrified they may separate?
I would be more worried about the 6 year old becoming increasingly withdrawn and tearful (as a result of being exposed to their arguments?)

I wouldn't recommend to look into the cleaner.

This is not about a cleaning issue. This is about a marriage and both participants not being on the same page and working together as partners.

You are not married to your dd and sil. This is not your problem to solve by looking into a cleaner

I get you wanting to avoid your dd your fate. Divorce is bad. You know what it is worse?
Growing up in a home where parents are always fighting and following chauvinistic role models.

Support your dd from afar. Do not intrude in their marriage. They will deal with it as they see fit.

The first year after a new baby can be very fraught for families - especially when both parents are having to go out to work after a broken night's sleep. I would send a card to say that you've noticed they are both exhausted and you will happily go halves with them for a cleaner for the next year or pay the whole cost for the next six months.

This will give the parents a good opportunity to talk about the housework and give them some ownership of the resolution. It is also a time limited offer so that they know it will come to an end and they need to tackle the problem themselves eventually.

It also puts you in the position of being seen to be a kind, caring parent.

Thank you all for your speedy replies! I think I will look into the cleaner thing. I will also take on board holding my tongue, but it is going t be so hard to do. I thought of mentioning Relate to them but maybe they should come to that on their own steam. I feel so sad for them as they used to be such a happy family unit. I was divorced from my children's father and would hate to see my daughter struggle as I did.

There is nothing you can do.
Having their children during some weekends only enables this problem, it is not even a short term solution

Your dd and sil need marital counseling asap.

It is obviously impacting the kids and it shows he is not a good father

That's a good idea Ilovecheese may ease the pressure on the poster's daughter.
It's hard to stand back and bite your tongue gagsville but apart from offering practical help that's what you need to do. This is something they have to sort out themselves.