DIL wanted advice- do I have it out with PIL?

EvilDIL, I absolutely agree with you. My nephew used to come home from work as a decorator and feed and bath his 2 young daughters, do housework and do all the family cooking. His wife was studying as a mature student for a degree in HR.

Fast forward 25 years and she is very successful in her career, with a fab salary and a lifestyle they never would have had, had my nephew not supported her at home.

At the time, my mum and his mum were scathing about her, leaving her husband to do all the work after a hard days work. I kept far away from their moaning because it worked for them, they were very happy and are still together after 30 years. As you said, it works for them.

I don't think there are many relationships these days where the work is not split and the wife expected to pander to her man. My husband has always pulled his weight. Your in-laws are languishing in old fashioned belief that their son is the only one in your relationship.

Good luck getting through!

She’s reminded me again off all the things she’s said to me in the past. She thinks she’s sent a supportive text, but the only time they’ve acknowledged my surgeries or hospital admissions is to comment on the effect on my DH. They sent a good luck for surgery card addresses to him first! My surgery. If it’s not acknowledging the effect on him then it’s ignored. Urgh.

My DH hates it. It’s not me doing this deliberately, it’s a shit situation we are both going through, but he hates it when they refer to him not coping when it’s me it’s affecting more at that time. He hates it when I apologise and just makes me feel even more loved and cherished. He really is awesome.

Nanasam, both boys are happy with their relationships and equal splits and I’m sure if they wanted a 50’s housewife they would have chosen one! Unless a relationship is abusive, surely if it works for them then leave them to it.

Of course, you have been going through this for 20 years but who knows, they may change! Good luck to you.

EvilDIL you hit a chord when you said they think their other DIL is lazy. Your MIL doesn't think you or sister in law do enough for their precious boy. Before we were married, DH's mum said "no girl will be good enough for my boy" and for the first couple of years she'd say "hello love, you're looking a bit peaky, are you eating enough? Would you like some apple pie?" (he was, and still is, a bit of a chubster!). However, she mellowed over time and we loved each other.

They are very old fashioned in thinking that a woman's place is in the home and the husband rules supreme. It's unlikely they will change their views overnight but if you give it time, they will see that your husband is, in fact, being loved and 'thriving'.

Just be pleasant when they are around (even if it irks you inside) and I'm sure they'll eventually realise that things have changed and you and DH are happy doing what works for you.

For goodness sake, just distance yourself from them, why are you meeting up? Wouldn't it be better just to have a weekend away with DH. Just don't get involved with them, block them on Facebook and get on with your life. Good luck

Thankyou all. I had actually missed that my MIL had posted a meme on Facebook that basically said you should do as your elders say, say “yes sir”,

I was worried before one surgery that them treating me this way would be upsetting for them if I had of died. Now that risk is greater I’m more concerned with how they will treat my husband after I (if) I die. To be extent that I had to ask my SIL to make sure they didn’t do certain things with my husband.

I will research grey rock.

I am sure there is a thread somewhere of how they are suffering and have been cut off and have only ever tried to help....

Glad the letter helped you! Now please toss it, and also toss any idea of meeting up w/ your PILs again. You need to be done w/ them and focus on taking care of yourself and doing things you enjoy. Hugs!

Good that they canceled, no matter what reason they gave. Hope you and DH do something special for yourselves that day instead.

I think there is something called " grey rock" technique. Sorry you have been so unwell.

Burn letters are a great tool to manage the frustration and get it off your chest. Well done!

I did spend a few hours writing a long letter. With the intention of not sending it, but getting it all written down helped. Also helped me feel a bit angry at all the things they’ve said to me in the past (all when DH hasn’t been there to witness it) and that’s cemented my thinking that they will never change their view of me.

Thank you for all your replies. They ended up cancelling but worded it as if was stopping them coming!
I’m sure they want us to argue and split up and think DH will move back in with them (he wouldn’t!).

In the past I have written to them to try and improve relations and they just ignored it.

You are right that nothing I can say now will change their view of me. You would think you would be happy for your son in a loving supportive relationship that’s equal and enabled him to achieve in life?

But there is another DIL who they haven’t treated as badly as me, but she hasn’t seen them for over a year as they view her as a lazy housewife. She is lovely, has lovely children and a happy marriage too.

I couldn't be doing with all that.

Life is too short why are you even bothering with these people.

Let your husband do all the socializing if he wants, keep out of it they sound like poison to me.

If you have health issues and are working you have enough to do, you don't need this, it's stressing you out which is not good.

Just put them in a box and close the lid.

Get on with a lovely life with your husband.

Missfoodlove
Love that word 'bland"n this context .
Dawn

That email will be used against you.

I'm also sorry about your health issues. And I'm sorry about the way your ILs treat you. Agree w/ others that there is no point in writing them anything. Kudos to DH for being supportive - he has given you leeway to go NC w/ his parents, and I'm going to chime in w/ those who say to take him up on that offer. No need for YOU to "meet up" w/ his parents this weekend. Let him go if he wishes and you stay home and relax or spend time socializing w/ a friend or two. Enjoy!

I'm sorry you're having health problems and as you are, you need to take care of yourself as best you can so, spend as little time with your in laws as possible.

There's no need for you to see them with your DH, can he visit them on his own or can you make alternative arrangements when they're coming over?

As others have advised, don't put anything in writing. If you can just accept the way things are. They sound very unpleasant and the less you have to do with them, the better. .

Your in-laws have very outdated attitudes, be thankful that your DH isn’t influenced by them or shares them. I doubt if they are ever going to change so I would be tempted to put no more effort in to the relationship, or lack of it, by sending presents etc, they don't deserve your consideration. Try to be civil but indifferent to them

I would advise you not to send letters or emails because they can be kept and held against you in the future and they can be shared with others when a letter should be a personal communication. I do speak from experience here. You sound like a caring DIL and many PILs would be happy to have someone like you in their family. Enjoy the life you have built with your DH and try to stop fretting about the issues with your in-laws, focus on your own health and emotional needs because the two things are linked.

If seeing them is draining, don't do it.

Is the meet-up at your house or somewhere else? If you have children let your DH take them for the weekend while you stay home. I wouldn't bother with an explanation tbh. Let them work it our for themselves.

Sending an email will solve nothing. Don't do it.

Do you have to see them? Clearly neither they nor you get anything out of it. I would not bother writing anything, I would simply stop communicating at all and stop accompanying your DH for any visits. If they come to you, go out for the duration.
They sound ghastly. I hope your DH agrees that they are barking. In sickness & in health has been in Anglican marriage vows for centuries, it’s not some modern political correctness gone mad. Doubtless if it had been their son who became ill, they would have expected you to wait on him hand and foot and put him before all else.
I’m so sorry that you are so seriously ill. I hope you are under a top specialist in the field and do better than you fear.

Instead of sending an email could you just ask them in a gentle and non-confrontational way, whether or not they actually like you or have an issue with you. Say you have picked up these vibes but hope that you are mistaken.

You don’t mention any children, so it is not as though you need to maintain a relationship to facilitate access to grandchildren, Assuming that to be the case and, given that you have your husband’s support, I would give them an opportunity to explain and talk it through and take it from there. You don’t have to put up with them, let DH see them on his own if they are so rude and unpleasant.

Oh my ! If he’s out the room they just glare at me

How do resist putting your thumbs in your ears, waggling your fingers and sticking out your tongue?

Then look as if butter wouldn't melt as soon as he comes back.

I just couldn't help myself !!

Grey Rock, all the way.
You as a M'sNetter should know what this means.

I can't give you the other side of the coin- All I have to go on is your story-

The most compassionate move you can make is to be clear about how you feel and without reservation determine what type of treatment you, as an individual, will accept-

They made the decision to distance- Your husband made the decision to honor whatever you choose to do- Now it's up to you to decide what type of treatment you are willing to accept or not with a clear heart and mind-

Being compassionate isn't acting like a doormat- It involves clarity and taking action-

I wish you felt better...

I echo what Eglantine21 has said.... please do not put anything in writing.