retired husband driving me crazy

You are lucky to have a husband! Some of us on here would love to still have our husbands here....

Suzette, he pretends it's all ok unless I make a fuss. If the fuss is enough, he'll make some changes which are guilt driven and don't last. He hasn't been the best of husbands and now he wants a quiet life like so many men but he also wants his own way a lot of the time. Someone posted above (can't see it, sorry) about holidays being a bore. We've got one coming up and I'm going crazy at the thought of being imprisoned with him for days on end. I found a book a while ago called something like Too Good to Leave, too Bad to Stay, says it all, how hard it is to take that step.

Reading most of these posts, I wonder how on earth my parents, married for 59 years, as well as my other relatives that are or were married for 40plus years stay together for so long !
My parents argued a lot, dad did very little in the house, beyond make the odd cup of tea, wash up occasionally oh and put the vacuum round ( mainly because it was a new one and he wanted to check it worked properly!) and mow the lawns as well as being the driver . But they still loved each other and dad was devastated when my mum died unexpectedly.
Mum on the other hand did the cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing, most of the housework, as well clean houses for other people. She even did my ironing (that wasn't my idea, believe me!)
Maybe nowadays we are so busy with the equality thing that we fail to appreciate that many men are totally incapable of doing anything domestic - probably in their genes or something! The idea of deciding you have nothing in common, after being married for 10 plus years- how did you not realise that before you got married? Or did you, and just assume that once the ring is on your finger that you'd magically transform them ?

OP, you say you husband would sell your house to pay for his care if he needed it - and it sounds as if he will since he isn’t living healthily. In that case, is it not better to cut your losses now, divorce him, and have at least the half of the assets you are entitled to? You are now managing but unhappy. If he takes the house you will be poor, not managing and unhappy.

And why are you feeling guilty? You have done nothing wrong. It is not wrong to want to be safe and happy.

Suzette, he has to compromise, thats marriage give and take. How was he when you first got married? Suggest you give it a trial break one of you is going to be hurt and at the moment its you.

After a life of caring for others, at 68 I'm more selfish. I've learned, the very hard way, that we are all responsible for our own happiness. We can't change other people, but maybe we can change our own behaviour. I had counselling, life changing, that showed me how to put my own needs first. Now I happily go on holiday for 2 weeks in September to Greece, and when I feel like it, go away some more. I'm now widowed.

What Barmeyoldbat said. Go to your bolthole and get together at weekends. Would be keep the house up to scratch while you were in your bolthole. That could be a condition and would mean he had to be doing something.

Ladies, I understand exactly what you are saying. My DH is significantly older than me and after 30 odd years of marriage the age difference is telling. He retired 15 years ago and I still work. He is great at keeping the housework up together while I am work, but we appear to have very little in common. He is set in his ways and predictable. He goes up the pub most days as he likes and needs male company, and then sits in front of TV with paper for rest of day. I have developed lots of other interests as I'm not ready for this. We virtually do nothing as a couple. Holidays are a trial (for me) as I always compromise on destination and activities. I have now started having odd weekends away to do things I like. At times I get frustrated with him and it boils over into impatience and resentment. I agree about kindness and I appreciate that he is feeling his age and is becoming more dependent on me. I retire next year and I hope that once work pressure is off we can find a happy medium.

I would be happy enough with that Barmeyoldbat (love the name!) but think he would be extremely hurt (he is very conventional in that respect.) He says he likes having me around, though he really doesn`t work on the marriage at all, thinks being a good provider is enough.

Don't worry about two failed marriage, friend of mine had three but is quite happy. I just don't see the point in making do, life is to short. Could you not live in your bolt hole, and him in the other and still be friends?

Suzette You deserve better!

Talk about it now Harris and discuss your expectations of retirement, its a big life change. You may need to rethink things a bit and compromise in some areas.

I’ve ebeen married 42 years we married young and have worked all our lives but retirement is a little way off I wonder after reading this how we will cope. It’s different when you only see each other a couple of hours a day and at weekends.

anniezzz, how stupid of your husband to shout at you, how on earth would that make things better?

He is content to be in a relationship that no longer makes you happy, just because it suits him? Very selfish, I think this describes my husband also, he is brilliant at hiding his head in the sand, it`s not an elephant in the room, it`s a whole bloody herd!

Where does your husband see your marriage going if things don`t change? Is he willing to discuss things at all, without getting heated?

Wishing you good luck with things, have you done the pros and cons list for yourself re: staying with him?

I'm another one, Suzette, I was eager for us to downsize and move. That proved a tangle in itself, it was so hard to agree on where and what house. He's found it very hard to leave work behind and is still dabbling in a little freelance but is also beginning to do a few local things like join a choir and a social cum art group (not that he's arty but that's not the emphasis). He does say he feels lost.

To me, it feels like we have nothing in common anymore. He does lots of housework but he never consults, he just does what he thinks. I'm not sure he ever really listened to me but life was too busy to notice, now I feel he's become very selfish and opinionated and if we disagree, he just shouts at me. I've been wondering if I'd be happier on my own. I've got lots of hobbies and have been having some success at making friends. Financially, I'd be worse off, no bolthole, but as people often say, money only goes so far. We have to decide just how unhappy we are. He won't consider separating, the relationship suits him, not quite my position.

Sparklefizz, how very true!

I try to ignore his less important annoying habits, but he does have a lot of truly awful big ones, mostly because he has an extremely addictive personality. Habits have escalated too over the years.

I could murder him when I bring a subject up that he feels uncomfortable with, and all he does is smirk and roll his eyes, so disrespectful. Grr!

"Nagging" is every man's excuse. Men know we hate that description and will back off..... but it is just that .... an excuse not to engage.

Yes Sparklefizz, I have been having the odd few days in my bolthole since retirement, it is rented out at the moment, short term, but is certainly an option. To me, a partner needing to `get away` would be a big red flag that needs discussion but OH chooses to ignore the subject.

His lack of concern about his health does obviously concern me. I think he does value me in his own way but whether he would be any help if I was chronically ill..I don`t know.

I shall bring up his lifestyle choices with him again, in a gentle way. Any mentions of it always brings up the accusation of `nagging`. I do try not to.

suzette Two failed marriages - so what?? Is this situation what you want for the rest of your life, or would it be better to cut your losses?

He won't change and neither will you, but if it were me, I would worry about the health side of things bc having to be the carer of someone you don't love/like would be extremely hard, and I suspect you'd feel resentful as you are making efforts to look after yourself. But none of us knows what's round the corner, and it doesn't sound as if he would look after you if it came to it.

You have to weigh up whether you would feel trapped. The biggest problem for those of us who felt forced to leave for one reason or another was the worry of having nowhere to go .... you have a bolthole. I think you should make use of it. If you don't have tenants living in it, why not move out for a few weeks as a trial to see how you feel?

To continue, I suppose I think to have two failed marriages would be just too much, and need to persevere more with this one.
Just needed to rant really, no-one can change another person I know, and I should put up or shut up. It helps to have this forum, it really does.

whywhywhy, I am sorry you are suffering awful retired husband syndrome as well. I supposed you have to weigh up whether the `ok person` to live with is better than none at all or not. My OH has a seasonal hobby but for half the year he must be bored. He goes to the pub at least 3x a week in the evenings, (not my thing except occasionally) he seems to understand men better than women. I wish mine could go and build cars or something to give him an interest! quizqueen, he does nothing in the house unless I ask him to, but is the driver in the family and mows the lawns. My DS and DD say he is an unmovable object.
I think our friends and hobbies will be our lifelines, sending you best wishes and I hope you can keep a sense of humour, though it is difficult.

Is he doing 50% of the household chores or are you his servant? Do you enjoy doing anything together now as a couple? You have your own house to move to, if you are so unhappy then what is stopping you!

Suzette I feel for you. I'm married second time around as well. Been married 12 years. I worked until 2010 when I retired early due to stress at work (NHS). He worked shifts and it wasn't until I was at home that I noticed a lot of his faults. Yes, I have faults as well but his get on my nerves. Then he retired this year and oh boy I could scream every day. I try and keep myself busy with my hobbies and crafts. He has a hobby of cars. Well I say cars, its rebuilding old ones and the latest he has had off the road for 10 years. Everything takes ages and he isn't interested in doing anything in the house. He can be quite lazy and don't get me started on the jobs that he starts and doesn't finish. I also feel like we have nothing in common as we are now thrown together but at the age of 67 I feel I am too old to go it alone. As a person he can be ok. Also I have had a really bad past and battle with depression every day and now it is getting worse. I'm sending you love, hugs and strength.

Today I am in a much more positive frame of mind, thank you everyone.

He of course has good points (helpful with practical things, though doesn`t cope with emotions), and I truly think he sees nothing to change in his behaviour although he knows how frustrated I get. I shall continue to get on with my own life, have lots of things to be thankful for and, even if we haven`t the relationship I wanted and expected, I should act towards him with kindness. It doesn`t always make me feel kind, but I shall persevere!

In a particularly cruel moment recently, I told him if he gets disabled because of his refusal to keep reasonably healthy I would resent looking after him and would not do so..( If it did happen, I expect I would care for him though, more guilt if I didn`t). He said that he would sell this house and use his considerable savings to pay for a nursing home then!

You don't sound at all happy and as you are only just retired and have somewhere to go are you sure you want to continue. I think many men think retirement should be relaxing and only doing what they want. He certainly doesn't sound as if he would look after you if you had health problems