retired husband driving me crazy

Time to divorce or be tied forever to a lazy old man in declining health.

Thats awfy sad Ydoc. I wonder why retirement drives so many couples apart. Though I know it isnt what I expected, but Im grateful husband and I can still talk. Surely to a certain extent once the family are up and away, you are left with what got you both together in the first place? Or is that a naive view? There must have been something that drew you all as couples together?

No they won't change just get worse. I'm in a bad situation now after losing my mum two and half years ago I got depression. It still hasn't gone and I'm realising the Dr is right unless I change my life it won't go. It's definitely compounded by having a husband who does nothing but sit. I absolutely hate it. I'm finding I can't be bothered to talk to him now.

Have exactly the same problem but I cannot leave as he would claim half of everything including my private pension
His life is destroying yours if you can afford to walk away I would. If he is anything like mine he will never change.
As to his health problems maybe a blessing in disguise if you divorce you don't have to pay for his care

It has helped so much reading all these posts. I do hope others in the same situation are given hope by hearing from you kind gransnet contributors as well.

Husband has actually got off the sofa and is away for a few days visiting his cousin, they share the same hobby. Amazingly, I find I do miss him although I am perfectly happy on my own and have been busy.

Heard too from DD, she and the family are moving to live much closer to us, we shall see them, especially the grandchildren, a lot more often! I am so pleased about this and know husband will be too, he enjoys their visits.

I know he will be back on that sofa with all his habits when he returns, but I have been thinking about my reaction to all this. It seems to be a vicious circle, his behaviour has caused me to be frustrated and distant which maybe has made him even more likely to withdraw with his smart phone and TV.

I don`t want to bail out of this marriage, so will really try to be more pleasant and less judgemental. We will see what I can change (he won`t, I realise that) when we are back together again.

We can continue to have a life together, I have friends of my own and interests outside the home.

What those positive thoughts I shall leave it.

I have been married for 35 years. My husband retired in 2008 when he was 60. He is very active and has his own hobbies/interests, which is just as well because it has taken me ages to acclimatise to his not going out every day and coming home in the evening. I just resented him suddenly being every day in the space that had just been mine 5 days a week for so long. I think retirement is very hard to adjust to, no matter what your marital circumstances. I still like it best when he goes out all day on a cycle ride and I have the place to myself again. Our relationship would just no longer work if he was around the house all day, every day, doing what your husband seems to want to do. I do hope you can resolve this.

To have a bolthole is fantastic I am very envious. My husband retired at 52, that was 14 years ago. He sees retirement as a excuse to sit on sofa and watch television all day. He has no inclination to do anything. I do all DIY but there are some household jobs I can't do. I have told him and the Dr if something happens to him due to his behaviour I will not be looking after him. It will be entirely self inflicted, he has had a couple of health issues. I have depression and still suffering grief after loss of my mum, over two years ago. Not helped because of the situation at home, there is zero closeness or affection. I am 60 I think there are many women in the same situation.

These are familiar stories, makes me glad I've been divorced for a very long time. Several of my friends husbands are driving them nuts.Some men just can't get to grips with retirement unless they have a very good hobby. When I worked part-time in a supermarket in what I termed my retirement job it was very noticeable. Some husbands were "parked "in chairs with their newspaper for the duration. Some insisted on accompanying their wives to impart their huge experience in food shopping. Choosing goods , putting them in the trolley "correctly", packing away again correctly and so on. I remember remarking to one long suffering woman how wonderful to have an expert helping her. She leaned forward, apologised in advance and said "he's driving me f...ing crazy" .

Thank goodness for your bolt hole!

In your position I would spend a few days or a week or two there to really get an idea of how I would feel being on my own.

If despite everything you still miss him then that would make things clearer.

However if you find that you absolutely relish the freedom to do what you want without the irritation of a lazy lump slumped on the sofa, then move permanently into the bolt hole.

I am sure many would envy you, even those with reasonably happy marriages!!

Retirement for us has not worked out the way I thought it would. Like another poster, I thought it would be lazy days, weekends away, some hope! The one thing that has affected us both is health issues.Up till now my husband has been fit all his days. (It has always been myself that had health issues).I notice him now getting more tired. He does do voluntary work 3 days a week,as he has never been a sit down kind of man, but I insist we go away for a summer holiday and in the autumn.Within the UK. I told him straight if he wasnt coming, Id be holidaying alone. To be fair to him, he has to do the driving there, so we may have a week somewhere where it is not too long a drive. I've got to be honest and say we do have our separate interests, but we go out to the cinema ,occasional exhibitions, for meals. He does help around the house. We also help out with childcare for our grandchild. The one thing my husband does do is insist we both sit down at 9 pm each evening to watch something on TV together. Be it film or a drama. I think you really need to talk to each other but no shouting. You have to explain how you really feel. Regarding housework and cooking too many mothers did everything for their sons, then wives took over and in turn the cycle continues. My husband was the eldest in a large family,his mother insisted they all took turns with chores. All my husbands family(all sons with one daughter) can cook, clean and do laundry. Its a good idea to make sure your sons and grandsons, know how to look after themselves. However, yes, retirement is a huge adjustment for any couple. I really dont know what the answer is as no one I know seems to have the retirement they planned. You do have to talk to each other. Communication is key.

Read your post and am sorry for you. I’m fortunate my DH even though has a serious condition does his utmost to keep active. Sometimes it drives me mad when I want to just chill out though. Also I never knew how to shop until he retired!! Wish you all the very best.

Good evening, everyone. This is my first post .
I just wanted to recommend a book that my sister found incredibly helpful in allowing herself to leave her abusive husband.
It's called Too good to leave, too bad to stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. She advises that trying to weigh up the pros and cons won't work so she advocates a diagnostic approach which takes you right back to when you first met. At each stage she gives an indication of whether certain responses mean you are more likely to be happy leaving the relationship or staying in it. I hope this approach might help you to see whether your issues are surmountable or not.
I have to say, that having left her husband 6 years ago, my sister is delighted to be on her own and building a new life with friends and most importantly, peace in her life. Good luck.

What about what you want suzette? I am separated. It can be tough. But doing it just to keep someone else happy or avoid the idea of marriage breakup seems a waste of what could be a great time in your life..

I think when a man's job ends he often loses his identity. My DH, aged 72, still works part-time because it makes him feel part of the world and still young-at-heart. Without his work he'd be lost. I think there has to be something - a project, holidays, hobbies, grandchildren to care for. I can see how easy it would be to just sit and watch TV and then, before you know it, you aren't fit enough to do much. It's a good idea to make plans in retirement otherwise the days drift by.

Legs dangling not kegs ha ha ha

The sofa bit gets me too . I bought two small sofas to stop the lounging ,guess what? he lies with his kegs dangling . Unless it’s football there is no conversation ,I have so many interests of which he shares none . That said I would be lost without him .

Sorry to hear about your trouble. One thing which has helped us is to go away on holiday or just a long week-end away (whenever we can afford it) it doesn't have to be expensive, just a change of scene. It's relaxing, breaks the habits and we find the fun again together. Good luck.

Oh for a bolt hole. Mine seems content to sit in front of a tv or computer all day. I know exactly what he’ll be doing at any hour of the day unless it’s a rare occasion when he goes out. I just get out of the way as much as I can.
We don’t do anything together as we have no conversation and the silence causes me too much stress.
If I were you I’d head off to the bolt hole .

Life is too short to be in an unhappy situation. I have been single for twelve years now and can highly recommend it. You don’t have to sacrifice your own life because of guilt! We’re a long time dead, as they say.

Well done granbytheend of the summer I think the trick is not to leave any spaces after or before the star mark, if you see what I mean.

Tell you what, a large g and t at 5pm works wonders!!

* anniezzz09* I think I’ve got it!

Thanks anniezzz09 - how do you get the name to come up in bold? I am now a gran of 8 weeks experience, perhaps I should change my name!

I do appreciate your point about posters who may be coping with grief, I sincerely hope they are never stuck in an unhappy relationship and don’t find out that ANY husband is not always better than none.

never mind about the lazy man's feelings OP take care of you.
It is not better to be in a bad relationship than none!
That is crazy talk.

Be free of this man . You can be open to having anew and better relationship..

I live alone......there are worse things....like a bad relationship!

Hi it sounds as if he is depressed tbh when you are depressed you loose all motivation to do anything. Do you have kids who could talk to him or does he have a friend you can invite over?
My husband up and retired a few weeks ago and it's not been a happy experience. I am at home retired and we don't get on but being together all the time now is very awkward. I am moving into my daughter's in fact in a few months.

My oh retired couple years ago as had a very hefty pension from his job. After over 30 years married we are divorcing. I am still working as cannot afford to retire and as a waspi have few more years before my state pension kicks in. I have realised he is lazy, selfish and mean and I don't want to spend what life I might have left with him. Its a huge upheaval but having my own place without the resentment he makes me feel is the light at the end of the tunnel and keeps me strong. I have no savings and no pension as took lower paid jobs when our children came along and left my high flying career which I now which I had fought harder to keep at the time. I decided life at my age is definately too short so I am going to be free for however long I have left. Think very carefully if this is what you want forever