Nosey dil

What an absolutely stupid thing to say, nobody has the right to rifle through personal items, The word you should be looking for is "rude" no matter what her culture, if she has been brought up to not respect other peoples privacy then she has not been brought up right. Daughter-in-law or not she would be getting an ear-full from me. If this is what she does in her Mother-in-laws house how do you not know what she talks about to other people about her in-laws personal details. Definitely not the sort of Daughter-in-law I would like in my house.

It didn't take me long to realise why you just don't walk into anyone's house, not even your brother's , without prior appointment......you've got to do everything yourself over here......cook, clean, look after children and the myriads of other things.
When I first arrived here in the U.K., my yorkshire sister in law told me that the only place I would feel at home in, was Wales, and by sheer luck, my Ex got a partnership here, and I have been here for the past 40+ years. And I love it!!!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

If I am visiting my daughter’s home and there are cards on display, eg birthday/ Christmas cards, I have a look to see who has sent them to my daughter or grandchildren. I don’t feel that I’m being nosey just interested in which friends have sent cards and how many of them I know.

For those of us who cannot see anything wrong with the girl's behaviour it's hilarious. The OP wants to 'confront this behaviour' yet is concerned about manners. How will she do this without being rude? Oh, the irony!

Very rude to poke thro personal possessions!

lemongrove
DO people in the US ask how much you earn?. Having family in that country, having met US citizens in the UK as on my visits to the US have I ever been asked such a personal question. Were I asked 'how much' by anyone would give my usual answer 'money and fair words' a comment learned from my late grandmother.

Tiggetmu is right.

Asking about salaries in the US is a question for super close friends or people you trust the most.

I never ask my friends unless they offer the information

My dh is Indian and the salary info is exchanged like candy. It is ok for them, but their culture has pretty much no social boundaries

I wouldn't like someone going through my personal possessions, and I look at people's cards, but I always ask first. Burr as for asking questions I think that's quite nice she wants to find out about you. Although it can probably get irritating after a while.

Lemongrove, it is not acceptable in the US to ask how much money one makes. That has always been taboo. I don’t know if that information came from someone in the younger generation, but it has never been acceptable in my generation.

just tell her that your ex is unhappy about it & ask her to stop.

Expecting DIL to behave in a manner consistent with your own culture may be unrealistic if she hasn't been exposed to your ways or customs.

Learning new ideas and behaviors is often more difficult than learning the language. It may take time depending on how different her culture is. There is also a lot that can be learned from her as well. Keep in mind also that there's a difference between behavior that is driven by bad faith or behavior that comes from natural curiosity.

Perhaps a quiet talk with your own daughter in advance might soften any perceived transgressions by your DIL With your support and patient guidance, your DIL may hopefully adapt much sooner.

Different cultures do have different standards for what is considered polite.

Until and unless you gently point out to your DIL that rifling through other peoples' personal belongings is considered extremely rude in your country, which I assume is the UK and that asking how much things cost is considered intrusive rather than showing a polite interest, the poor girl is just going to go on obeying the dictates of her upbringing and offend others.

You need to talk to her about this yourself. Asking your son to do so would put him in the position of more or less having to say, "My mother has been complaining about you" to his wife. Definitely not the best way to deal with the situation.

I live in Denmark where children are allowed to ask adults how old they are and adults as a matter of course ask each other things like," how much did you pay for this house?" "Have you a mortgage?" "How much do you earn?". Having grown up in Britain it took me a while to get used to this, even although my mother was a Dane.

Equally, I didn't know when I moved here that it is the height of rudeness in Denmark not to begin a telephone conversation by mentioning your own name. I know I unintentionally offended a lot of people before someone tactfully pointed out to me what I was doing wrong.

Reading others' Christmas or birthday cards is considered as showing a courteous interest here too, so please do tell your DIL nicely NOW that manners are different and what not to do.

Tell her too, that she is supposed to tip her soup-plate away from herself to get the last spoonful out of it. In other countries you tip it towards yourself, or drink out of it.

The questions I wouldn't mind, you can choose to answer or not, but the rifling through personal possessions is a big no no with me wherever she's from.

Far èast

I know some cultures find things acceptable that might be considered rude elsewhere, including here. There are some questions that, if asked, I might deflect or point blank refuse to answer, and I wouldn't appreciate anybody going through my personal belongings. Years ago I was in hospital for a while and my sister had a friend who, along with her couple of weeks old baby, had been made homeless - I let them stay at my flat. When I eventually got discharged and had the opportunity to talk to her she said something along the lines of....I know you haven't lived here yet and I did look in kitchen cupboards for cooking utensils, pans, crockery etc but anything else with a cupboard or door I figured would be private. I felt good to know I'd helped a decent person at a difficult time and that she had been respectful and not nosey (even my mail was in a neat pile). Come to think of it my sister has had about half a dozen good friends from school and 40 years later they still arrange an annual holiday together. There will always be family clashes, cultural clashes etc we just need to find ways to get on, compromise, talk about any problems before they become major issues.

If the ex was comfortable explaining the OCD maybe your daughter-in=law might be more considerate and understanding. If she has a difference of opinion about what food is eaten would it be an idea to see if she would like to cook sometimes, shop, choose ingredients or cooking methods etc. She might be a nosy person or she might be trying hard to fit in, adjust, be accepted and be part of a new family. Keep conversations light rather than confrontational - you might both learn about each other and there might be opportunities to slip in nuggets about things that might be construed as intrusive. Good luck - I hope you can all find ways to rub along.

Not culture, just personality. Stick to your normal boundaries!

Does it matter hugely? Aren't there more important things in life than cultural differences or even a little rudeness? Like - is your son happy with his wife? Are you close as a family? If so, don't spoil the broth. By all means gossip about her irritating little ways with your ex , your daughter and Gransnet and by all means do let off steam. But at the end of the day, live and let live.

Where is your DiL from, btw?

kirkubbin2000
My response to S wife when personal questions arise is 'ask your husband.' End of.As for his wife moving personal items or being asked to explain who cards are from therefor causing distress to your ex, inform your son that this is unacceptable and he is the one to advise his wife of this not you.Is S not aware of his wife's behaviour. ?

I think you should give as good as you get. When she asks you a question, ask a similar question back, etc. But I would also ask your son to correct some of her behaviour.

Kircubbin2000 it seems like this poor girl has been hounded and really all over being annoying. Lots of people are annoying!!
It does seem a bit petty when you can easily say sorry I don't want to answer that! Or please don't touch those. Simple.
And then the people at work, jeees that is a bit much. They presume she's posh and wouldn't eat an Asda biscuit so don't offer her one and you know all about it!! They don't sound very nice people to work with.But would this not be called nosy on your part?
If anyone over steps the mark they will never know unless you politely tell them.

You are describing a person who has no boundaries and does not respect yours. Forget the red herring of different culture - there are people who operate on a narcissistic spectrum everywhere. People with boundary issues - porous/non-existant etc will see this posting as no real problem - they prolly overstep the mark a lot too, and are not self aware. See if saying "No" to her causes a balistic reaction: if so you have a narc in the family, bad news, I'm afraid. Do not confront, and steer clear of her at all costs, this is the early stages - for your own sanity.

It depends on how personal the questions are!
I would say that she either has no filter or that she feels so comfortable with being part of your family that she feels it is ok to do these things.
If your ex is not happy with her moving stuff around or advising him on what he is eating, he can sort it out for himself ! He only has to say politely that he would prefer that she didn't move things or to thank you for her advice - doesn't have to run to you , as if it's your fault!
NB I have had people from my own country do similar things, including walking into my bedroom while I was changing, without asking!

This is just like my sister, she would read letters and then comment on how much money we had in savings/current account - hospital appointments etc.
She is a wonderful person other than this horrible trait.
She babysits at least twice a month for us so in the end we put a lock on my husbands office and every letter goes straight in there.
Now she just comments on what is in the fridge/freezer.