Nosey dil

Asking personal questions is one thing - people in all cultures ask questions that are more or less personal than others but rifling through personal possessions is another and that’s not cultural and not polite - I can’t understand anybody making excuses for that behaviour - this person may be lovely in some ways but she’s a controller and that accounts for her interference about food and what your ex should and shouldn’t be doing - that control will gradually extend into other aspects of your sons life and eventually to yours so you need to tell her the men to time something like that happens - she needs to be told you don’t like it at the time and not ask your son to do it after the event - this is straightforward behaviour modification

This is a dreadful post. This poor girl is just trying to sort out who is who in the family and friend circle ad I feel you should be more welcoming and understanding. Using the word rooting through things sounds like she was opening drawers and poking around when in fact she picked up some cards on the desk and asked a question. Whats wrong with that, after all she is a family member. The rest is just normal family behaviour and I think you should be more tolerant.

I always pick up & read other people's cards if they are displayed openly. I have no cultural excuse. I guess I am just rude & nosey

I do think when you have things obviously on display like ornaments or cards it's fair game if visitors examine them. Anything that should not be touched should be in a display cabinet. Opening drawers (other than in a kitchen while helping) and getting letters out of envelopes is a step too far.

I wouldn’t have a problem with her reading cards that are on display, but going through personal possessions would be a no.no. That’s just rude n nosey. Regardless of what culture she’s from. Asking personal questions well that really depends on how personal

It is all about boundaries, they sometimes need to be pointed out to those who step over them. We have a right to privacy and no need to apologise for explaining these boundaries to others

Maybe then some cultures actually teach its the 'right thing' to ask a lot of questions of people, that we brits would find 'nosey'- but if you all dont like it,nip it in the bud- if you yourself aren't 'correcting' her by saying other people may not like this and your son isnt either then she will never know! So you tell her. Your son may find it 'endearing' or some such,others may not.you need to explain the differences between her way of life and your own.and also not to just 'tidy things away' if a person doesnt ask her to.

I always pick up my sons birthday cards and read who they are from. after all they are on display. maybe I will stop and ask first next time.

Does she know her father in law has OCD and how it affects him? If not, maybe your son could explain this to her.

Tickingbird, that's true, but what the girl does is at worst only mildly irritating and should not be an occasion for possibly hurting her feelings. Better to overlook the behaviour and the girl will gradually come to understand what us natives do.

I think some of these posters are signalling their pc credentials as usual. It’s always us that are in the wrong. Accept other cultures blah blah and yet when we’re abroad, and visiting another culture we should be respectful of the differences. This young lady is overstepping the line and should be gently told that this intrusive behaviour is considered rude in out culture.

Totally agree with EllanVannin and easybee.

Maybe forewarn your daughter so she can put away anything she doesn’t want to be looked at, and also be prepared for questions. Humorous or evasive answers are the best.

Have a word with your son to see if a few tips can be given before the visit.
But enjoy this new member of your family and try not to close ranks and risk making her feel unwelcome.

kircubbin2000 says that her ex has OCD so that's the cause of his complaints. Why will her daughter 'crack up' I wonder? Does she have a similar problem?

EllanVannin, there is no set 'normal behaviour. Don't you have friends or relatives from another culture?

I particularly like the one who arrives early (with a home made cake) and enthusiastically does some cleaning and tidying. Now, I could be insulted, but she always does it - at everyone's home!

What was your ex's motive in calling you with such a frivolous complaint? Does he/she perhpas want an excuse to keep in touch?

Maybe this is a small price to pay for seeing your son happily married?

Yes, we are a nosey lot - the 'other' culture.

The ex was annoyed because he has OCD and his plates and things will have been arranged in a certain way. She must have moved things which would not have annoyed a normal person.Also with the greeting cards, he would not have wanted to explain who they were from for similar reason.

That's the problem with a lot of us Brits, being so polite and reserved and quietly simmering away on the inside. Just set some boundaries and say if she makes you uncomfy... Just do it with a smile and a laugh at our stuffy selves.

OK that's much easier said than done, someone trod on my foot once while I was standing still against a wall out of the way and I apologised to them!

When an AC marries, the spouse will come from a different 'culture'. Every family, regardless of origin has its own culture and it will be different from yours.

Do not confront the behaviour that would be very rude. just quietly discourage her, lock away papers that are personal, I cannot see the problem with birthday cards and just ask her politely not to move tools when you are cooking.

As for food, well that is just an opportunity for a general conversation about eating habits, whether we eat healthily or not etc. Not an uncommon conversation in our household.

Why put cards on display if you don’t want people to read them?

Do you all live together? And whose "we" with regards to moving into yout daughters home?

I hadn’t seen the thread about greetings cards. I’m not saying I would pick up and look at them, but if they are on open display...? Also depends on whose house you are at I would imagine. If I were visiting DS and he’d just had a birthday, I would probably look at his cards, but not if I were at a friend’s home.

We recently had a very long thread about whether it is acceptable to look at other people’s greeting cards - and I’d hazard a guess that it was a 50/50 split. So, it’s not such unusual behaviour after all.

As for the kitchen scenario you mention, I can only say you’re describing what goes on in my kitchen most of the times I’m catering for family or close friends and it has never once occurred to me that they might need to be ‘confronted’ about their behaviours.

The lass is described as being kind, which matters more to me than anything else that’s been said. I’m actually very surprised at some of the responses to the OP if I’m honest. Is it just me?