Nosey dil

If the cards were out on display then I don't think there is anything wrong with looking at them to see who they are from. I do it all the time!

i would say going through someone personal items is not acceptable. but ask her what life is like in her culture tell her you want to learn .poor girl must be so scared ,maybe she is eager to please,. but needs guidance.after all she has left her mum behind .maybe shes trying to fit in.

rafichagran
Of course your AC - and everyone else's here - are brought up as you describe.
The issue is the language used - "rifling through". Perhaps she was in the kitchen, offering to do the drying up, and was simply looking for a teatowel. Her parents-in-law put a very negative spin on her deed and described it as "rifling through".
Other posters have asked for clarity of the reason for this choice of term, but there's none forthcoming.
The reputation of your AC remain intact!

I think no matter what, if this isn't dealt with in some fashion (personally I prefer the idea of a quiet chat) then it's just going to become everyone talking about dil behind her back and that worries me

I guess then what you have to ask yourself is by her moving stuff around, was it because of your husband's OCD he got annoyed in which case she cannot be blamed. Looking at birthday cards is something I would probably do, especially with family and if they were up, rifling through paperwork perhaps not - this is rude.

Hello again.
I think my question has got lost -
Am still wondering what you mean by "rifles through personal belongings?" kircubbin

Do you mean shuffles papers looking to extract a book or magazine from the middle of a pile, or do you mean opening drawers and deliberately poking around specifically to look at personal things?

I dont think the phone call was unusual at all grabba .He didn't want to have a row with her but was able to bitch about it to me and get it off his chest.

Why would you not just ask her not to rifle though belongings? Reading cards on display can hardly be described as intrusive I would have thought when you are a family member.
As for an ex calling up to complain about it, why doesn't the ex tackle his son about this behaviour? I find a phone call to an ex unusual behaviour in this circumstance.

I agree with GrannyAnnie2010. Some things are personal - but greetings cards on display, kitchen gadgets? It is possible to get too precious about things and I would have thought that it would be possible to shrug it off for the sake of good family relations and kindness.

* Grannieannie*
I am surprised by your post. My adult children are respectful, they would not dream of rifling through my stuff or asking intrusive questions. We are open with each other but some things are personnel.

If your son is allowed to do those things, why isn't she? She's part of your family now. Can you imagine - your son looking at the cards "I see Uncle Barry remembered you this year". Daughter in law gets up to take a look, and it's suddenly rude, impolite, not done in our culture.

It's not down to cultural differences or upbringing - it's a peculiarity of your family who can't bring themselves to accept her.

If you discussed this with her husband, he might say that you're petty and your ex petulant. Why not start treating her as a daughter instead of as an outsider?

Same here Ooeyisit They are very generous and welcoming people. Politics and what you have are the limits of their conversation though

I had and still m have this with some Bangladeshi friends . Our conversations consist of them asking me personal questions and me answering . To me it’s not so much annoying as boring as they seem to have nothing to say other than asking questions . I always think if there’s something you dont want to disclose Just say if I told d you that you would be as wise as me .

You could put "KEEP OUT!" notes wherever she is likely to snoop. ;)

I might also add my partner is West Indian and thinks that sort of behaviour is disgusting. His view is no matter what culture you are from you are not nosy or disrespectful. He would not tolerate that sort of behaviour.

She may have been bought up badly but at her age she should know right from wrong. My children learnt from a very very early age they they did not go down my hand bag. Its called respect for other peoples things.

Oh dear. Hard to put up with but it sounds as though she means no harm and has just been brought up differently.

Last line should say why cant you see nothing wrong. I think its rubbish that you cannot see this woman is behaving innaproptiatly.
Apologies last sentence written incorrectly as I got distracted and posted before reading it.

kircubbin2000

Most of us have very subjective ideas about what is 'proper' or 'improper'. Some behaviors can appear to be strange or inappropriate because they are colored by our own culturally biased perspectives.

What is considered rude in one culture may actually be very good manners in another. Take for example belching. In China, a good burp after a meal is a high complement to the chef, The Inuit tribes of Alaska like to pass gas after a meal to convey the same. Not my preferred examples, but these behaviors would be considered terrible manners in our own cultures.... not unlike snooping, so........I'm sure you get the gist.

As I mentioned earlier, you may need to coach DIL but be supportive...she just needs more time to adapt.

What's hilarious Hettieabout you and others thinking there is nothing wrong with the daughter on laws behaviour?

Clearly there is something wrong there and it does not matter what culture she is from. Going down peoples possesions, asking personnel questions that are none of her business. For goodness sake get real Hettie and stop this PC rubbish.

Cant see nothing wrong what rubbish.

kircubbin2000 I know a lot of folk have said your DIL is either nosey or bad-mannered (regardless of her cultural background) but I don't agree. As a teacher/lecturer who has been working all over in the Middle East and Asia I am constantly surrounded by students and colleagues who would ask very 'personal' questions and rummage around with my stuff both at home and in the office. This is very much a cultural thing particularly where people are raised in large families and don't have any privacy in their own homes. Many of my students and colleagues considered the notion of privacy to be very strange and 'foreign'. There is no need to be confrontational but there is a need for you to explain to your DIL our cultural ideas about privacy. In face, it is really the job of both you and your son to do this or else she might find herself confronted by someone in an aggressive manner. My students and colleagues were never upset if I mentioned the issue and I often made it a discussion topic in class where we exchanged our experiences of cultural difference. There's no reason why you shouldn't do the same as you will help her in the long run.

Maybe we are all different. I know I could not look through my daughters cards without asking whereas my son wouldn't care in his house.I think daughters can be more volatile when they are stressed. I know my friends daughter often falls out with her over minor things but her son is more easy going.

She is forward and rude .
You have to find a way to gently stop her .Tidy up before she comes or ask her the same sort of questions.
Make no mistake this is forward rude behaviour

I just do not understand some of the reasons people are giving about this problem, surely it does not matter which culture you come from, you just do not rifle through other peoples personal items. If you do then you are the ignorant one and you were brought up ignorant with no respect for other people what-so-ever.

I just cannot see how on Earth it is "Rude" to ask some one to not rifle through personal items.