Breaking free

The thing with abusive parents is it is sometimes impossible to stop them pushing your buttons... They installed them.

Glad the replies here were helpful, Claire. I agree that in this case there's no point in contacting your dad. Also, I agree w/ Peony's advice about the gifts. If he continues to send them, you can donate, discard, or regift them.

There's always a theory/practice gap... or head/heart. One of the things I've come to accept with age, is that it's perfectly possible to hold conflicting feelings about a person, situation... You just have to learn to live with it peacefully and accept it.
Sounds so simple and yet it's so hard!

I can vouch for the Grey Rock method ClareAB; it takes a little while to master it but, once you've got into the swing of it, you'll have a skill for dealing with those people who just cause grief.
If you do send a letter, or even an email, you're opening up lines of communication and, from the sounds of it, you don't want that.

Thank you all so much for your replies. It's taken me a few days to muster up the courage to read them. I think I was expecting more 'what's wrong with you that you want to cut off your own father?' type answers.
Instead every one has been supportive.
In answer to the question why write rather than simply leave it. I guess I was hoping one of 2 things might happen. Either he would accept it and that's that, or, he might reply with a degree of interest, insight, remorse? and we could have honest conversations addressing things.
It seems that no matter how old we are, the child inside us always yearns for their parents to love them, to see the error of their ways, redeem themselves and we all live happily ever after...
But, those who I love, and love me are the ones that really matter, the ones whose opinions and feelings matter. It's sad, but true that we pick our friends, not our family. My closest friendship is 42 years old, we have bought our kids up together, and now our grand kids, that's special, that's true family.
As Einstein said 'madness is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result' and as Elsa said 'let it go'

Read this method, can understand it if you have a psychopath to deal with. The Grey Rock Methid, new term, is how to treat a bully, let them get on with it, distancing contract and not feeding their insecurities. No emails, no letters, no replies yo anything, just no input, if you don't respond they will eventually get the message. You best treat any bully by not letting them get to you.

Interesting article Bradfordlass

hard to do though, when one of your own family has treated you like pond life.

That's the best article I've ever seen on that BradfordLass

Wow! BradfordLass72* - wish I had read this years ago!!

It makes perfect sense - putting simply - like ignoring bullies in school playground, they get bored and move on to someone else.

Before I read this I WAS going to suggest ClareAB doesn't write any letters anyway reason being she just opens the door for more communications... and now am more convinced than ever.

Thank you for posting this - can helps lots of people in so many ways.

For anyone else in the same, sad situation. This is the Grey Rock Method:

180rule.com/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/

I could never send such an e mail or letter. Contact is almost non existent.

I agree that if he hasn't been in contact for so long then just cut him off and move on with your life. Writing a letter/email means that he will probably respond and make you upset. But if you have to get it out of your chest then send an email, get it out of your chest, then block him from responding. Return all packages to sender. If the packages and mail keep coming against your wishes then you can instruct the delivery service in writing not to deliver any mail/ packages from his address and this will be adhered to. Do only what you consider to be best for your mental health.

If you haven't heard or contacted him since February, he is hardly likely to ever trouble you much so why must you do or say anything? I would just accept this years presents, say thankyou but in future you're making donations to a charity in lieu gifts and cards and would he kindly do thexsane as there is nothing you want or need.That way you upset no one and contact will be less than a once a year email. It isn't worth getting stressed or having confrontation.

Clare
Don't tie yourself in a knot over this. If you write that letter there will probably be a reply from your Father. Then you will be in a worse situation than you are now as he will want you to elaborate on the reasons for going no contact.

Just stop any contact now.

Why do anything it sounds as if you have very limited contact anyway unless you want to make a statement (which you say you don’t) just let it lie low and contact at the minimum surely that won’t hurt

Stating.

Send the presents back with a thanks but no thanks note wishing him the best and staying you would be happier all round not having any contact for the foreseeable.
That’s it.

I am tempted to say just ignore him. You don't need to explain why. This should not be too difficult as you have not heard from him since February. If it does become necessary a brief email to the effect that you have decided to cease contact for reasons which he will be aware. Then let things lie.

I broke contact with my (absent) father many years ago. He was absent for me as a child, after my parents divorce, and reappeared when I was married and pregnant. Things limped along for 10 years but it was awkward and to be honest, I didn't like him. Eventually, I sat myself down and thought it all through. I decided that when he died, I wouldn't regret not having had contact with him. And after that, I broke contact.

He's not been in touch since. His wife (they've been married over 40 years now) would have been happy to see the back of me.

My brother stays in touch. Which I think is weird, as my step-mother was abusive to him. BUT his choice.

I don't regret it.

I would just keep it short and sweet and the words you used above were fine. At first I asked for a break but I wasn't allowed that. Eventually I think I said something like "our relationship has broken down, I've tried to fix it and failed. I am asking you to stop contacting me and I would like you not to ask others to contact me in your stead. I'm very sorry it has come to this.

It didn't stop the contact but I have ignored it since

His new partner is bound to wonder why you have no contact. They may well be involved in the card and present giving too. Maybe it's best to prepare for any forthcoming questions.

Hi Clare I'd suggest that rather than do so with an email, you send a letter as IMO it's more personal even though the content is the same.

Could you simply ask him not to send anymore Christmas presents as this upsets you, that you wish him well but no longer want any form of contact.

It may be an idea if after doing so, any presents sent are returned.

"The answer is probably very simple", I don't think it is when you are the one being affected so don't be so hard on yourself.

.

I will dm you.

No?