Agony aunt.

IMO, it's difficult to be an effective agony aunt for a friend b/c one wants to protect the friendship, and so may not feel comfortable giving the hard advice that might be needed. In some ways, it's easier to give advice on sites like these.

As for your friend, kircubbin, I'm getting the impression that her DDs have valid complaints. They probably see her as defending their dad's bad behavior b/c she won't listen to them. And so, they're cutting her off along w/ him. But you may not feel you can say those things to her.

If she follows your advice to send a card, I hope it opens a door. But if not, she may just have to wait until or unless the issues between them and DH are resolved. Until she faces what's really going on, I doubt her daughters will reconcile w/ her.

Frankly, I'm not sure why she stays w/ this controlling man. But you probably don't feel you can say that to her either.

This is a man you describe as “good”?

He sounds meddling at best.

Totally agree with those who said - don't give advice - just listen? (or point her here lol)

I don't think counsellors actually GIVE advice do they? Could be wrong, but to me people have to come to their own conclusions. Sometimes people refuse to admit they may have been in the wrong in any way so as a friend, I would just listen and not try to delve too deeply as she may be offended by you suggesting she may, in any way, be at fault!

Sending letters and flowers is fine, so long as the actual problem is recognised and addressed (I mean not dragging it up but saying things like "you said this and I said that" are not helpful in building relationships. Not knowing what the issues are, is hard to make any suggestions.

However, IF two daughters have stopped speaking then....am afraid she needs to ask herself what she is doing wrong. Sometimes there are long hidden things nobody knows anything about.

My good friend was in an abusive relationship for years. Every time I tried to point out red flags she worked so hard to convince me everything was fine. Every time she came to me worried he was having an affair, I thought she was right.. she convinced herself otherwise. Some people have such a hold over you that you can lose any relationship and still stay with them.. you can't convince others all is fine unless you can convince yourself. I will always wish I'd done more.

I think it is usually a case of least said, soonest mended.
However, we are not short of advice on the likes of Gransnet (“Go no contact”) or MN (LTB) are we.

Odd bod.!

The only advice I gave was to send a card and not mention the row. The husband is an odd box,quite controlling and sarcastic.I couldn't live with him. He even followed her into the kitchen during her phone call with me to find out who she was talking to.Also she can only come out with me when he is not around.

I would be very wary about giving advice on personal or relationship issues, it can come back to bite you in the bum!
The safest thing is to ask what a person feels would be their ideal solution, then agree.
I am reminded of the “advice” of a relationship counsellor - there are always three sides to an argument - his, hers, and the truth.

Hard to talk it out when one side has cut off contact.people who are stubborn are their own worst enemies.She will be on her own now if anything happens husband.

There are always three sides to a dispute, each other's interpretation and then there's somewhere in the middle. Very difficult to give advice. Really the best thing is for those involved to talk it out but they have to be prepared to probably accept some harsh reality. I don't know if I would have the guts to go that but hope I would.

What happened to not taking offence. Some people wait for their huff to come along and then go off in it!

All too often offense was taken, but people were too afraid to speak up.

Now they can.

Now other people are upset about people being offended. Often times (not all) these are the people used to saying whatever they wanted and expecting people not to be offended.

So, it’s not that people are more offended, they just feel able to stand up for themselves

Mum won't hear a bad word about him

As others have said if mum won't hear one bad word about him them maybe that's where the problem lies.

But as stated above, at times its best not to give any advice especially if not asked for any - and just provide a friendly listening ear.

Your friend may be at fault but why are people so touchy!
What happened to not taking offence. Some people wait for their huff to come along and then go off in it!

Don't give advice but just listen as annsixty says..

If she 'won't hear a bad word about him' then that's the problem. It's no good pretending that everything's fine when it really isn't. No wonder that her daughters aren't speaking to her!

annsixty that's actually great advice

I just listen but never give advice even when it is asked for and to me an answer/solution seems obvious.
It is not my business.

I'm an "agony aunt" for quite a few people...

my brother (12 years older than me, we're the 2 left out of 4 of us), whose wife has got mental health problems (I can identify with them), my friend whose husband has just lost his job, my other friend whose mum is in and out of the hospital a lot. I sympathise, empathise, and give advice when asked.

Yes she said she walked out of the room when the row started and daughter had to get a taxi home instead of dad driving. I only hear one side, you are right.

It seems to be something to do with the dad. I dont know what but the girls don't like him even though he has been good and provided financial support. Mum won't hear a bad word about him.
Maybe he hasn’t been as good as he looks? As we all know, providing financial support is not all that a good father should do.

Perhaps your friend would get farther if she’d allow her girls to vent their frustrations, and go from there.

If she’s cutting them off from communicating about him, she’s effectively telling them that their feelings don’t matter

I would just suggest sending one card, one nice card apologising for her side of the argument and saying something like "I'll be here if you need me". Then wait, which I understand is probably awful and hard but, boundaries become brick walls sometimes if people are contacted against their wishes. Best of luck to your friend. Don't forget to take care of you if she leans on you too much at this time.

Like you, I often have friends ask me for advice. It can be hard because you tend to believe your friends but, of course, you only hear their side.

I hope your friend's daughters do feel able to speak to her again. They possibly don't like the estrangement either although I obviously don't really know.

It seems to be something to do with the dad. I dont know what but the girls don't like him even though he has been good and provided financial support. Mum won't hear a bad word about him.

How helpful

Here we go again!! ?

I’ve an aunt who was spiteful to me . I did not make things worse by not speaking to her but I have never forgotten what she said to upset me and I don’t trust her not to do it again, I think your friends daughters might feel like me

Spot on. If two of her children aren't speaking to her, then some self introspection is required prior to her trying to resume contact of any kind. Time does not heal all wounds, and people don't forget the hurt involved when they were wronged. Did she not have any slight idea about why any of this is happeneing? And what has she done thus fur to reconcile?