How often do you see your grandchildren?

If my mother had said that my son was all she had for the rest of her life, my immediate response would have been "Gee, thanks, Mum!" Did she only have you in the hope of you providing her with a grandchild? I doubt it very much. I think you will have to tread carefully, and gradually reduce the time she has with him. And please, don't let her talk you out of sending him to nursery! It does them a lot of good in the long term, and I'd be willing to bet that the family members who apparently agree with her haven't even been asked for their opinion. And if they have....why? None of their business, this is between your mother and you! I wish you all the very best

I see my dgc probably about 3 times a week. On two days I pick them up from nursery and school, and then they might come over for Sunday lunch or we meet up somewhere. I wouldn't want it to be less, as it hurts when I don't see them.

I agree with all the comments that I’ve read here. I would stand your ground and suggest to your mum when it would be good to meet up. Its not healthy for any of you and if you don’t lay down the ‘ground rules’ now, you may find life becoming very difficult. And I wouldn’t feel bad about saying something like, ‘let’s keep one day a week to meet up because I have a lot of other people to see and things I must do during the week...’. I see our gc a few times a year. Its a long drive to them...we could see them more often but we all need to have our own lives and respect each other’s commitments. If your mum doesn’t have any, maybe she needs to think about that.

By now you will have realised that most of us think your mother is the unreasonable one, not you.

If she only lives half-an-hour away by car there is no reason on earth why she should stay a whole day when she comes to visit.

I doubt you will make her see sense though.

About your going back to work, there is nothing cruel or unkind in having a nine month old child looked after in a nursery, so go ahead and go back to work. Unless paying for the nursery is an issue, I would advise you sending him there all week.

You honestly don't want your mother roped into looking after him. She sounds as if she will spend all her time doing exactly as she pleases and take no heed to any wishes you have about how to look after your son.

You will be far better off with him in a nursery or in private day-care, so if you don't like the way he is being looked after you can say so, or simply make other arrangements.

Imagine asking your mother not to do such-and-such! A recipe for disaster if I ever heard one.

I am dealing with clingy in-laws and my four month old (read: "mother in law dropping by unannounced" on as a gran) .... I'd bump it back to two days MAX. She's being too possessive. You might get bored and call her for a coffee halfway from each of your houses midweek...but you need time and the flexibility to plan activities for yourself and your baby. Use grandma to have a shower and cook your meals. Make her useful but scarce. Plan your activities and then tell her on Friday your plans for the week and schedule her in for the days you want.

Oh my goodness that really is not fair on you. It must be tiring for you and your son I think every couple of weeks or once a week at the very most is acceptable. You need to tell her

I have never been able to have frequent contact with all but one of my GC. I live too far from the four younger ones but they know and love me nevertheless. We enjoy each others' company when I am able to visit. However, now that they are teenagers, they have their own interests at weekends and even when I'm there, they tend to drop in and out a lot. The eldest DGD lived close by and we have always had a great relationship. I was working when she was little but we spent a lot of time together at weekends and when she went to Uni - fortunately in Manchester - I used to take her out to lunch once a month. Now she has moved away but not far from the others and I can see her when I go down to see them all. Fingers crossed that sometime I might have a GGC, albeit at a distance.
All my four younger GC went to nursery and are all well-adjusted youngsters.

I feel for your mother I really do. I have one granddaughter who I love to bits if I could see her everyday I would be ecstatic. She is everything to me. I lost my mum little while ago and got very depressed the only thing that has kept me going is this child. But try to help your mum get something else going in her life. She badly needs friends. Best wishes to you both.

Modern nurseries - or at least, the ones my GC have been to - are fabulous places! I think they should use them as a model for care homes, they look so much fun.

Have no fear for your baby in nursery, he’ll be well-cared for, he’ll have a tremendous lot of fun and will become a well rounded child.

I never demand to see my grandchildren...I never will. What I’ve done over the 12 years theyve been born is make myself useful and NEVER consider myself indispensable as a ‘carer’ because im not !! I take and fetch the youngest from school as I did her older brother ...I shove in a wash load while there...fetch milk/bread if I can see it’s needed for next days pack-up...cook their tea if needed to! .in general I’m available...even when I was working part-time . Theyve always asked for help and Ive obliged when possible.... I do say ‘no’ IF Ive made other plans . But I tend to make plans around my grandchildren’s needs. During school holidays I have them overnight occasionally ...but not often now as they’ve grown older I’m not so interesting, or important to them...all this I accept in today’s world .... but it means I get to see my grandchildren and be of use to my daughter and my son in law. I settle for that.

Your mother is full of it. First, my grandchildren live twelve and ten hours away. Lots of Snapchat with one baby and the others have an evil ex daughter in law so visiting even one day a week would be heaven. Your son will be just fine in daycare, eapecially if he has your mother for one day a week. Anyone can cite any kind of studies for either side. My granddaughter at five months has just started and they miss her but everyone is doing well. do what You and your husband want.

You need to make new friends with people at the same stage in life as you- also your baby needs to socialise. Make arrangements to do this & just politely tell your Mum you are doing it. I'm sure she did this when you were young- I know I was out most afternoons when my sons were little- it was good for them & for me.
It is lovely for her to see her DGS a lot but you need the company of people you can relate to- it is so important.
I am still good friends with the 'girls' I met when my babies were small- we used to have such fun then too. We often took the babes to the park in the summer & took it in turns to play tennis while the others watched the sleeping babies. There was a creche at the Squash club too- it was probably the best time of my life looking back. Mind you we none of us went back to work in those days= not until the children went to school anyway.

So it's cruel to put them in nursery? = !it's cruel to encourage them to socialise then! What a load of rubbish! And 'apparently' presumably means you only have her word for it that the rest of the family feel the same Who's bringing this baby up, you or mum and the family? Surely she's just said this about nurseries because she wants to be with him all the time?.How will she cope when he's at full time school? The other contributors are right- She needs to get a life! There are loads of groups and volunteering out there that she can join and expand her life.I can see you don't want to fall out but if it was me I would say it"s the one day a week and no further discussion The comment about nurseries is outrageous - aggression is there in people anyway, hasn't she seen or read Lord of the Flies? Stick to your guns for the sake of yourself and your son as well as her own sake

Sorry haven't read every reply but I can see that everyone thinks 4 days is a lot. Go ahead with your plans for nursery, two of my DGC went from an early age and quite honestly they are more independent and outgoing than the others who didn't. Very good language skills as well. Ask your mother one more time if she would like baby one day a week and if that isn't good enough then nursery it is. You going back to work will be the natural break. In the meantime just say you are doing something else for a couple of the days and see her the other two. Good luck.

You've said it yourself - this is making you feel under pressure. So clearly it is too much - how much would YOU be happy with? Work towards that. Also this '30 mins drive so I have to stay all day' thing doesn't cut any ice - if she is so keen on contact she'll be happy to come over for and hour and then clear off. Sorry but you've got to be 'too busy' more often, join things, help other mums etc - she is being selfish and self centered - not good for her either.

Great granny here .
We moved 200 miles from home to escape my mother who insisted on visiting everyday . She wasn’t interested in her grandsons and insisted that she should come first in my life above my husband and children .
She is still the same in her 89s and I try to have as little as possible to do with her .
I am lucky and have loads of grandchildren and great grandchildren .one lot spend every second weekend with us but if they have something else on that is fine with us .
The other lot spend every second weekend with us two but we also see them during the week , attend school events etc .
Great grandchildren I see every brew weeks , don’t want to tread on my daughters toes as they are her grandchildren not mine , and I am always happy to babysit when needed .
Do you think your mother would accept that on the days she doesn’t see her grandson she could have some FaceTime with him ?
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April, why not show your mother, very gently, the replies here? We are all in accord. Four days a week contact is too much and is stifling you.

I can understand how your mother feels regarding Nurseries: when our first grandchild began Nursery, I drove over and watched through the window to ensure he was not distraught. Guess what? He had a lovely time and soon joined in with the activities. Please tell your mother not to be concerned in this regard, her grandchild will be absolutely fine.

We on Gransnet all know the love for our grandchildren and it is immense but... you are his mother and you decide what is best for him, not her.

Perhaps, as has been suggested, joining an organisation and helping others possibly in need would give you mother another focus and she may in time, find she actually enjoys something other than being a Grandma.

Wishing you good luck!

I’m just wondering if you have a partner? I know my adult sons get fed up of their MIL’s being round all the time and one son in particular gets annoyed that his children see far more of his wife’s family than his. Some mothers really can’t let their adult children go. It’s not love, it’s selfish and possessive.

Not difficult relationship different !!!! Word check !!!!

April10
My darling, you're overwhelmed, and searching to do right thing by all, hopefully....
Enjoy your little baby, I get the granny ( your mum ) is it her first grandchild ? Do you have siblings ??? I only have one adult son , when my granddaughter was born I was also overwhelmed with love, supported my son and DIL, emotionally and practically. I physically cared for my granddaughter 2 days a week when my DIL returned to work , DIL 's mother another day . My DIL went back to work 3 days a week. Maybe you could ask your mum , to care for 2 days a week , could or would she be able physically to do this ??? ( unsure of your mum's age, health etc...) Would that be a comprimise, grandparents really do add to a child's life, it's a difficult relationship. The biggest hurt/sadness in my life is, this year my adult child cut me out of his life, hence i don't have contact with my grandchild, please please don't let anything come between you , your mum and your precious baby, invite your mum for the afternoon and talk about situation honestly, , or plan do things together, but please sort it out amicably. Wishing you luck.....

4 days seems a bit too often. I'd go ahead and arrange the coffee mornings , attend plagroups etc to get to meet the other young mums - tell your mum it's good for your son to meet other kids. Maybe she'll help with housework etc while you're out. Go easy though - she could be invaluable to help out when you return to work

As a mother of two grown up sons I have 4 wonderful GS - I love them to bits and see them on average once a week - it is so important to have your own life, friends etc - but to be there for babysitting , pick up from school etc. I was asked to pick 3 of them up for school for 2 days on the trot and I was exhausted! For times a week is far to much- the daughter needs space to enjoy her baby and if she wants do nothing all day in her pjs . It is wonderful being a grandmother but you also need to stand back and not interfere.

When my son was a baby we spent every Saturday split between my in-laws and my parents. Sadly my FIL died a few months after my son was born so he has no memory of him. With my daughter we were doing much the same routine, MIL then moved quite some distance so we only saw her about every three months for the day, but saw my Mum (my Dad had died a few months after my daughter was born) every week. None of them travelled to see us, it was us who did the travelling. With my DD I was working full time when she had my three GC so popping by wasn't an option really, although I have had all three staying overnight on a Friday every week from them being only a few months old (so DD and now ex SIL could have a night to themselves). I live with DD and GC now so am in a different position to most grandparents I think, I do the running of the house and the Junior School run (but that will stop next year as youngest GC goes up to Senior School) because my DD has to work full time to support them.

Too much ! My in laws used to 'pop in...just passing' (not really, as they lived 20 miles away and I lived in the middle of nowhere !.....I used to be ;out; sometimes ……..they meant well, and we never fell out but they were a bit over the top ! Now, I have a grandchild I have NEVER seen and probably never will ….as far as I am concerned, it is their loss not mine ….how my daughter choses to live her life is up to her ….I did my best in bringing her up, University, her own car...….just chose not to communicate with me …….I have no problem with that !

Good idea from Hert2Hart. Get her on to Gransnet, it will give her a better perspective. She really does need to get her own life, imo.