How often do you see your grandchildren?

Whatever is ok with you is the answer, I saw my mum most days when my boys were small but that was my choice and she only lived a few doors away.
My grandchildren are 2 and 6 weeks old , I have the Eldest every Friday and she sleeps over every other week. The new baby lives 15 mins away and we see her once a week. These are my sons children and I would never intrude on their lives in spite of getting on well with my DIL’s, their own mums don’t visit any more often either.
My niece lives nearby and I see her more frequently with her two little ones but again thats her choice, we’ve always been close, sometimes it’s 4 times a week and others it’s once depending on childcare needs and work. There is no hard and fast rule but if it feels too much for you then that’s because it is!

not 4 days a week.thats a lot to be dealing with .tell her you got other plans on other days .show her a rota ....i would cut it down to afternoons only.....i dont see my grandchildren but once a week......and sometimes that at church only .they 7 and 5. mums are busy .do your own thing...and cut the visits down...

It is your baby and two days in nursery will be great for his socialisation. A day with his grandma and the rest of the week with yourself sounds like a very rounded week.
You have to stand up to your mother and tell her you need time with your baby before you go.back to work. How about you meet her for an hour or so on the way to meet friends, and maybe she could look after him for an hour or two whilst you went to a class, had a relaxing bath and pamper one morning a week. One day at the beginning of the week and the other at the end. Keep the timing strict and have plans to go to after.
Encourage mum to do something for herself, hobby, course, volunteering, so won't be as lost on the days she doesn't see your son.
Good luck and stick to your guns, it is your child.

April0 you really are going to have to put your foot down.... your mum may offer advice but this is really cheeky and not up to her! of course socialisation is important....my two grandsons were in Nursery from 6 months...and they are happy little boys, with no aggression problems. You need to be firm I think, otherwise you will be told how to bring your children up for ever!

How often did you see your Nan as a child? for me it was two or three times a week as she lived locally and my mum liked weekends child free so I stayed with her at least twice a month Friday night till Sunday night, plus she popped round a couple or three times a week for a cup of tea. When I had my kids I saw my mum maybe twice a year...it was a 6 hour round trip they were working, we were working and it just happened we didn't see them much. As a granny myself I live five minutes walk from our youngest who has two children. We have looked after the eldest once a week for a whole day since he was about six months old. We take both to the park maybe twice a month and do the odd bit of baby sitting. So we see one grandson weekly and care for him, the younger one we will take when the older one is in school...but once or twice a week is the norm....and that is living literally minutes away. I think your mum is being a bit over enthusiastic. You are the mum, its your baby and your life. Maybe next time you see her suggest when she nexts comes over....rather than accept her round all day every day. If you don't, this will become an entrenched habit you will have a real problem stopping. Alternatively, leave your computer open at this thread next time she comes over!

I’d say that was unreasonable. I live an hour from my 2 GC and I’ve seen them roughly once a week since they were born. It’s quite enough for my daughter and myself. If they lived very near by I’d probably see them more but in the way of helping out with school runs etc. As it is I go up for the day, sometimes help with bath time. I also do the occasional one off baby sitting so that the parents can go out. Also in the summer months we meet at NT places or they come down to me. This means we have an ongoing relationship which all parties are happy with.
I do have 2 other DGDs who live in NZ- I’ve only seen them 1 or 2 times in their lives and the eldest is 8! It’s very sad ?

There is no set rule tbh.
But three/four times a week is OTT.
I see my 4 gc possibly 8/10 times a year.
Were all so busy but all understand that and it`s never an issue.

oh dear. This is putting you under far too much pressure and is topping you from meeting other young mums. Take time to cut down your mums visits - do not always be available. for your mum to call, but also perhaps you can leave your son with her for a few hours so you can do something. If you are going back to work, your mum would be able to care for him.

Don not fall out about it. Your mum is coming to terms with the fact that there will be no more babies for her. This is your son. He will always be yours. Your mum knows this, You need to decide on how you want to spend your . Maybe join a mum and baby group - will help you meet people and you will not be available to your mum. Maybe suggest that your mum looks for other interest - WI, a craft group or book club. etc, to give her other interests, Good luck. You sound really caring, so I hope your can find a happy medium.

April0 You do need to sit your mother down and explain gently but firmly that you are now an adult and a parent. Any decisions made for the baby are yours and the father’s. You want her to be a part of his life but it has to be on your terms. If she can’t accept this, then I think nursery three days a week would be a better option.
Mine went to nursery as had no other option. They have turned into successful non aggressive adults!

Sorry. Haven't time to read whole thread. My daughter lives 50 miles away and after her baby was born we settled that I would regularly spend a day a week with them. Always the same day. This allows her to plan appointments, meet-ups with other young mums etc knowing that I will be there to babysit, let in workmen/accept deliveries or whatever. It also gives me time to lead my own life. It's enough. (When baby was in hospital for ops, I was there more often.) If she is tired, I sometimes send her to bed and do some housework. We aren't in each other's hair, but it gives a useful pattern to both our weeks. You could perhaps suggest something similar to your mum. Be firm but kind; it's your life, your baby - and your mum. Good luck

HettyMaud my youngest son and DIL think like you do. My DIL is going back to work in the spring and our DGD will be 10 months old. Their plan is for DGD to go to nursery (mum's place of work) for one day a week. The rest of the week is to be shared between me and my husband and our son who works for himself. If our son is particularly busy one week we will do the larger part and vice versa. If our GD isn't happy then they will cancel the nursery day until she is a bit older and try again. In a previous post I suggested the OP let her mum do the biggest share. My husband and myself think nursery is really good for older children when they can tell you whether they are happy/like nursery or not, but kept our opinions to ourselves for obvious reasons.

The answer to your initial question is it depends on circumstances. Do the grandparents drive? How far away are they? etc
Likewise the nursery (age they start/amount of time spent there) depends on circumstances. Are there other tiny children there? What experiences will baby be offered at different stages of development? etc
(I look after DGD one day a week, and truthfully I think my spoiling her with one-to-one time etc would be bad for her if it was more! And I would be exhausted)

30 mins drive is not far these days. She does not need to stay with you for the whole day. Make sure you have something of your own to do for part of the day and she will soon get used to only staying for a while. This is probably still too much but it will be a start and presumably you will soon be returning to work.

It's called control. Manipulative behaviour.
You have no need to feel guilty.
She sounds as if she needs professional help.
All she has until she dies.....she really needs to get her own life.

I'm afraid your mum is being totally unreasonable. 4 days a week!
A couple of times a month is much more sensible. You and your little one need to socialise with others. Book a couple of activity groups a week for mum and baby.
She doesn't NEED to see the baby as much ...she wants to. Please be firm with her. Learn to say no. Time will come soon enough when he's at nursery and school. You need these precious years to enjoy him. Be firm.

Hi April0

Theres always a come back which makes me back down such as "well I'm obviously just a massive burden", "maybe you'd be better off without me", "I don't deserve this", "it's only because I care so much, perhaps you'd prefer it if I didn't care at all"......

Afraid the above comments are some of the classics of emotional manipulation. That's why you feel guilty because that's how she wants you to feel so you will do what she wants. If this has been her way of childrearing with yourself and your brother I definitely would not be wanting her to have a child of mine for more than one day a week! Maternity leave is a very precious time with your baby but most of yours seems to have been shared with your mother!

Try to see past those posts that say things like 'we stayed at home with our children', 'children are better off with family' etc. You don't need to take on even more guilt! Times are different now and most new parents go back to work, choose good registered childcare and your baby will enjoy the activities there and will spend a day with his Nan too. Make sure you enjoy the other days with him. Equally, while I sympathise greatly with kwest, you cannot live your life putting up with a negative situation because "your mother could be dead tomorrow with no warning". You are dealing with enough guilt already.

So yes, 4 full days is saturation point especially with the extra phone calls on top. Scale back gently but firmly, try the broken record approach. Look up 'emotional manipulation' on some of the excellent psychology websites or watch some of the videos on YouTube, try looking up 'passive aggressive behaviour' too. Look at the techniques for dealing with people who show these traits and practise them. Madgran77 has suggested some great ideas and there is plenty of support here for you if you need to come back.

Wishing you all the very best, remember you are not just standing up for yourself now, but also for the sort of future you want your son to have, don't let your mum pass on the guilt to him too.

Both my parents died suddenly within a year of each other in their mid-fifties. My children were both under six ears old. I have no siblings. My 80 year old grandmother lived with my parents and then came to live with me when they died. I used to see them at least once a week.
I can only think when young mothers complain about their mothers wanting to spend time with their grandchildren, just count your blessings, your mother could be dead tomorrow with no warning. I am crying as I write this 45 years later. Appreciate what you have.

In your situation I'd say 2 half days a week would be reasonable. You may have to ease down to this gradually! At the moment she isn't giving you chance to make friends with other new mums, and build up those support systems.

Sounds a bit too much- I saw mine when they were very young once a week- I was needed for looking after them - now they are older I see both lots about once a month - occasionally more often - your mum is very new to being a granny - be kind - maybe you could fairly soon give her sole charge for a day? And do something just for you. But it does sound as if your mum is making all the rules and it needs to be your choice and your decision as to what happens with your child.

As the grandma for 4 ranging in age 6 to 21 months (2 from each family)
I think it is most unreasonable to be with you 4 days a week - you have a life to live.

I hope when she does visit that she helps with chores.

Another suggestion would be that on one or two days you leave her to babysit and you meet friends go shopping or just have some time to yourself outside of the house.

When I try and explain what I consider to be normal based on my friendship groups she says that's not right because she's on various different grandma sites and people see their gc all the time and would always chose gp over nursery. The people that use nurseries only do so because they have to and they have to say its beneficial so that they don't feel guilty for sending them there.

To be honest what other people do whether parents orn grandparents, is irrelevant! This is about what YOU want to do with YOUR baby!

I think I will just have to continue to try and stand up for myself a bit more, whilst understanding that it all comes from a good place, even though the results are sometimes difficult to deal with

Do try to think about how you are communicating with your Mum. The strategies I described in my earlier post really can help with this

Actually BlueBelle, I was trying to be kind to April0 as well, by suggesting a very simple step away from being stuck in the house 4 days a week with her Mum, without resorting to any of the more robust suggestions on this thread. That the baby is now nine months shows how long this has been going on without April0 managing to resolve it. Succeed with a simple step, like the Toddler Group version, and then work towards the situation you want. April0, you now have been given a range of solutions, from the kind people on Gransnet, and will make your own choice about what you feels you can do. Very best of luck, and if you wish, let us know how you get on.

April0 welcome to Gransnet and thank you for clarifying your situation. I wondered how you were feeling about it. I have 8 grandchildren with ages ranging from 11 years to 8 months, all live within a 15 minute drive. When the first two were born I saw them often but for short periods of time. My daughters were busy making new friendship networks and joining in Mum and Baby activities, which is as it should be. I'm concerned that perhaps you aren't getting the opportunity to do this? I guess your return to work will bring about a change so you need to think carefully about what YOU want for your baby and what works best for you. My daughters didn't want to send their babies to nursery so childcare was provided within the family and that has continued over the years and has worked very well. Our belief is that care in the early years should be provided either by parents or a known and loved secondary caregiver. Socialisation with other children happens gradually with short bursts of appropriate groups. Others on this thread feel differently but what is important is that YOU decide.

Am I the only one here to think that 9 months is too young for nursery? If it was my child I'd rather he was with a grandparent. I don't believe in nursery until a child can speak. Then, if there's something wrong, he can tell you. In our day Mothers were always at home so I'd suggest that most of us here have never been to a nursery. The OP is so lucky that her Mum wants to be involved. She's just a bit over-enthusiastic. Just try to rein it in a bit to once or twice a week.

oops read it wrong, thought theist was put on by a Gran but see its the other way around. Advice still stands but I would say, just put our foot down nicely you might well need her help sometime. But you do need your own space.