Gransnet forums


Husband seems very unhappy

(17 Posts)
eelousia Sun 15-Dec-19 20:20:26

Hi there, some advice on this would be great. Myself and my husband have been together 16 years, met when we were young (i'm 32, he 37) and committed to each other. I gave a lot of myself and prioritised him a lot while growing up. He is the breadwinner and has been on and off for about 5 years or so. We have a 1 year old son who we had many challenges with initially, colic and sleep deprivation which seems to have turned our relationship upside down. Before our son came along i would say at times, we both seemed unhappy but stuck together in the relationship (perhaps through fear of leaving i'm not too sure) and now my husband is sole provider for us and hates his job, he is resentful. He feels I no longer talk to him with respect and that he is in the background, not feeling appreciated. there have been times when i have fantasised about the thought of leaving but my son needs his dad. I'm confused and really want us to work but he is very emotionally immature and a mummy's boy too which i can't bear. Any advice much appreciated.

Starlady Sun 15-Dec-19 21:18:09

Wow! So sorry about this, eelouisa! No doubt, a colicky baby can cause a lot of sleep deprivation, stress, and anxiety for parents. And I suppose it can drive a wedge between them. One of my DGC suffered from colic and I know how difficult that was for DD and SIL. Fortunately, they were able to learn to pull together in the face of this problem, but unfortunately, you and DH were not. I don't mean to sound as if I'm blaming the baby. I'm not. It's the parents' relationship, IMO, and how they handle issues that causes a rift (or not).

And, sad to say, it certainly sounds as if your marriage has gone sour and was going that way before baby arrived. In fact, it sounds as if the boy you probably adored when you were 16 has turned into a man you don't care so much for. And clearly, he has his gripes about you, as well.

I suggest going to Relate. They may be able to help you get your marriage back on track. If not, then, IMO, you'll have to be prepared to seek divorce. It's so loving of you to be concerned about DS (dear son) needing his dad, but his dad will still be part of his life, especially if he has liberal visitation. Best of luck!

Starblaze Sun 15-Dec-19 21:21:05

eelousia, I'm really sorry to hear this. I just wanted to say that if you feel you would be happier apart that is what you should do. Children need happy parents and especially a happy mum. There is no reason for your son not to have a great relationship with his father if you separate. I really would recommend some sort of counselling, joint if possible.

From my own experience, my husband needed intimacy to feel loved after children. It can be hard to find the time and space and the loss of that part of our relationship for a while really impacted his mood. We had to work on it.

Perhaps too much info there, sorry.

Grammaretto Sun 15-Dec-19 22:08:33

I hope you save your marriage. Is there a possiblity you can go back to work and he can be a house husband?
My DS is doing this. He didn't like his job and he loves being with the DC.
Luckily his DW's job pays just enough to keep them all - they have 2 DC - and she loves her work.

The downside is that caring for children doesn't count on your CV so it will be tough when he returns to work. But then women have always found it hard.

A colicky baby and sleep deprivation is a huge strain but hopefully you'll get over it.

Tedber Wed 18-Dec-19 17:32:59

Not getting this at all eelouisa! You start off saying you are 'commited to each other' then go on to say before you son came along you weren't happy? So you had a baby then your baby's problems have caused you to drift apart? Tell me anybody who doesn't experience this? Sleepless nights, tiredness etc. Did you have a baby hoping it would improve your relationship? NEVER.... babies drive a wedge the size of the Clyde BUT they bring other things and if parents work together, they sail out the other side.

IF your husband feels you are neglecting him, then ASK him in what way? Maybe set aside a day a week to have a 'date' night. If you don't have babysitters, then have it at home when baby is in bed.

Always ways round it other than 'splitting up' so long as you are both on same page and want the same?

annep1 Wed 18-Dec-19 19:27:15

Whether you stay narried or not your son will always have his dad. You can make sure he has joint custody. So don't worry about that.
Do you love each other enough to make going to Relate worthwhile?
If not, better to split sooner than later. Separate happy parents are better than unhappily together parents.
You both have many years in front of you. Don't waste them.

tressa Fri 27-Dec-19 16:53:49

I want to ask you something before telling you a solution. Do you love each other enough to make going to Relate worthwhile?

paintingthetownred Fri 27-Dec-19 17:02:34

A baby can be a bombshell for relationship, as lovely as babies are.

Please make sure you do something for yourself and keep in touch with your own friends. You are still young and if indeed marriage has gone sour, you will need things and people to fall back on.

TrendyNannie6 Fri 27-Dec-19 17:48:04

Having a little one with colic is very hard work and sleep deprivation too, you have been together a long time. It’s very hard not to snap at someone when you are so tired, he hates his job and feels resentful that’s not helping either, can’t you talk to your husband when your little boy is asleep and ask him what does he mean you are talking to him with no respect, if you are then try not to do this, he sounds very unhappy and it’s not a bundle of laughs for you either, you say at times you both seemed unhappy before your son came along: babies can put a strain on marriages esp with health issues, but can be a great joy too, ask yourself if you really love this man if you do try and make it work, your baby will pick up on any tensions between you both, I hope you can work out what’s best for all of you, you say you have fantasised about leaving but your son needs his dad, he can still have joint custody of his son,

notanan2 Fri 27-Dec-19 17:53:46

There's a lot to unpick here

I cant really tell if youre wrong for each other or if life has just got in the way of love.

Can you do something just the two of you? To see how you feel about each other when the day isnt dominated by work and babies?

grannysyb Fri 27-Dec-19 18:26:09

When my daughter had her first child, she was really busy looking after him, and I think her DH felt quite left out. I think working out how to get your child to sleep through, so you can both have a good nights sleep would help.

Lynnipinny Wed 29-Jan-20 00:15:44

Some partners feel left out and some jealous. A child has an enormous influence in a relationship. Involve your husband as much as possible and encourage him to get involved. Make an effort no matter how tired to set time aside for a nice meal together. Look for nice indoor days out you could go on an do involve other family members. The fact that's you have reached out for advice means you care. Men do not have the same feelings as women and do not deal with situations the same. If he is worth worrying about the relationship is worth the effort. Let's us all know how you are getting on.

Jaycee5 Wed 29-Jan-20 01:02:04

It isn't possible to be happy if you are stuck in a job you hate and it can feel permanent.
There isn't much you can do about that but be as understanding as possible. Hopefully he will be able to find another one.
You say he doesn't feel appreciated. Is he? If work life is bad, home life need to be somewhere he can unwind. That is obviously difficult with you both having sleep deprivation and a young baby. Talking about problems at home may just add more stress.
Are you able to give a bit more support and involve him in the baby more? Even if it is not what you feel like doing, I think you have to try.

BlueBelle Wed 29-Jan-20 07:56:12

You were 16 when you got with your husband which is incredible young Yes it can work but I would think 9 times out if 10 you will grow into different people
You say your marriage wasn’t good before you had the baby
before my son came along we both seemed unhappy but stuck together in the relationship perhaps for fear of leaving that really doesn’t sound a good start to having a family
You ve waiting 15 years to have a baby and then had him when your relationship sounds as if it had already gone the distance Not the wisest move
You say he is emotionally immature and a mummy’s boy but you must have known that for the last 16 years it can’t be a surprise
As others have said if you are both unhappy that’s not good for the baby better to have two seperate parents who are happy, he doesn’t have to grow up without a Dad just because you don’t live together but you’re scared to be on your own aren’t you? and that’s understandable you’ve never been on your own, you were a child when you got with your husband

Jane10 Wed 29-Jan-20 09:10:09

You're both overtired and stressed. That happens. Lots of people don't like their jobs. Give it time. Stick in there. Your baby will soon enough be older and you could go back to work. Your DH could, with your support and encouragement, find a nicer job. Life and marriages have bad patches. Sounds like you're in one. Don't overthink it or expect life to be perfect. Real life isn't!

M0nica Wed 29-Jan-20 11:49:35

No-ons seems to yet have advised counselling. Speak to your local branch of Relate They will have a branch near you and talk thrugh things together with the counsellor.

The first couple of years with a child can be very demanding and exhausting and husbands not understanding just how much so is a common problem.

Perhaps if you talk it through in a non-confrontational way with some help you can reach your final decision, which I hope, for the sake of your son, will be to make a go of it.

SANDY2020 Wed 29-Jan-20 22:50:37

From the way you speak I think you and he are not happy as your son gets older he will notice if y can be amicable about money housing and child I'd say split up but I'd maybe look into things first with a solicitor hun xx