Mother in Law issues and husband mummy's boy

I don’t think being close chewbacca is the meaning I get from being a Mummy’s boy. The meaning I get is those who can’t cut the umbilical cord, won’t stand up to mum to support his partner, thinks mum is always right and does exactly what she tells him regardless of what his partner feels/thinks.

As I said whether it is justified is another matter! Not for us to speculate on! If a partner feels this then there is something definitely wrong in their relationship. The actual words aren’t important. We get the jist of what she is thinking.

My son and I are very close; always ready to help and support each other no matter what. But if I heard someone, anyone, describe him as a "mummy's boy"; there'd be blood on the dance floor.

I feel the same Namsnanny it is demeaning. IMO sometimes it can help to clarify a situation; when a woman describes her H in that way. It does make me wonder how much of a problem her attitude to her H's relationship with his mother is.

Well Namsnanny / everyone knows what is meant by “mummy’s boy”. Of course they mean it in a demeaning way! Whether justified or not.. everyone gets the jist.

I hear people use “big girl’s blouse”. Doesn’t really make sense but most people know the insinuation.

Too much overthinking and you can find dozens if not hundreds of phrases that sound ridiculous. But many would possibly find it hard to find concise alternative descriptions.

It labels a man

Does nobody feel the way I do about using the phrase 'mummy's boy' ?
I labels a man and play's to stereo types that do nothing to clarify a situation.

Anyone who uses it is trying to be demeaning.

Looking back at your other thread, you do sound very unhappy w/ DH though here you say you are not. Also, there you only hint of a problem w/ MIL, saying DH is a "mummy's boy" whereas here, you go into that problem more deeply. I think you need to do some soul-searching and see if you are generally dissatisfied w/ your marriage or if t is just the issues w/ MIL that are bothering you.

In the other thread, I suggested that you and DH go to Relate. That may be worthwhile even if the main issues are about MIL.

Hi eelouisa! I'm another one who thinks you need to start w/ DH, and I'm glad you seem to agree w/ that advice. It may be "normal" for people to discuss things w/ their mum, as Tedber mentions, but DH needs to understand that your and his relationship is private and that you don't appreciate it being discussed w/ MIL. He needs to respect your feeling about this. Also, he needs to see that involving his mum creates/increases tensions between you and her.

I agree that it's possible that she may be self-conscious about the language difference and you need to cut her some slack where that's concerned. In fact, I'd say don't try to engage her in conversation if it seems too difficult for her or if she just doesn't want to. So kind of you to try to show interest but I think it's time to stop if it's not working out.

I'm sorry MIL runs to baby at night if you don't believe in doing that. But have you - or perhaps better, DH - let her know your policies about this? Are you and DH on the same page about this? If not, first, you and he have to work out a plan as to how to handle nighttime wakings. Then you need to set that boundary w/ MIL.

I'm not sure what you mean about her making you "feel like crap in subtle ways." Can you give us some examples?

"I now have to spend yet another xmas with her..."

Too late to change plans now, I know. But in the future,, would DH agree to spending Christmas Eve and Day alone, just the two of you and baby? I'm NOT saying to brush her off, just to see her on another day during the season. If that wouldn't work, again, I recommend setting limits on the length of the visit, whether she comes to you or vice versa. For this Christmas, please set boundaries where your baby is concerned. Let her know she's not to go to him at night. to leave that up to you and DH. And speak up if she tries to grab baby from your arms. Again, IMO, DH needs to step in here.

Best wishes for Christmas and the New Year! Let us know how it went.

Or maybe it would be better not to have her stay overnight. Does she live far enough away that she can't go home after a day's visit? IMO, one of the boundaries you need to set is that of time - you need a limit on how often she visits and how long.

@Tedber many thanks for your concern, but i am not very unhappy and do not have PND.. Just trying to navigate family life and asking for ppl's advice from past experiences or knowledge always helps to clarify things for me.

I do need to be self aware/aware of my own behaviour towards my MIL but I have also noticed family dynamics changing a lot since our son has been born (this happens, nothing new there).

@Grandad1943 - In my view, these forums exist for this reason, for people to get advice/give advice etc.,

spot on! thanks

eelousia, would it not be better to speak frankly with your husband in the confines of your own home while it is just the two of you together.

You may then find that perhaps he has a few problems with your behaviour. We only ever great one side of any relationship problem on a forum such as this. So, my advice would be to begin at the source of the problem and that is with your husband.

The above is what I would wish my wife to do if she ever felt there was a problem in our relationship, and not go behind my back writing about those problems to all and sundry on an internet forum.

Why are you blaming your MIL? She's only as destructive and unpleasant as her son allows her to be. Sort him out and your problem will resolve. Hth.

Your problem is with your husband. He is facilitating his mother's behaviour through his behaviour. Don't focus on her behaviour. Focus on his!!

I'd tell your husband not to share your private life details with his mother. She is jealous of you, that's plain to see. She may never change.

You can easily change your own reactions to her behaviour, though. Just imagine that she's a small (irritating) child and laugh and joke with her. Don't rise to the bait but be (at least outwardly) relaxed and friendly. That way, she sees no reaction - and her behaviour goes unrewarded.

I agree with quizqueen, it's your H who is at fault here rather than your m.i.l. primarily IMO, because he's being too open with her about his relationship with you.

Do give Tedber's some serious consideration eelouisa to help you understand and find ways of dealing with your own feelings.

Hi again eelouisa.... ok hon am going to be blunt. I have seen your previous post "Husband doesn't seem happy". No mention of your MIL in that post.

I do think that you need to ask for help for your own feelings. Obviously you are very unhappy. This could be due to post natal depression? Not sure but I do think you need to get more help than you can get here on Gransnet. Nobody here is qualified to give you the help you may need.

Please go to your GP and talk to the professionals.

I am sure you will start to feel better about things eventually but I am pleading with you to get the proper help.

Hi eelouisa. Your thread seems familiar to me? Have you posted before or could be somebody else has posted about problems with a 'foreign' MIL.

You say she doesn't speak good English? Could her lack of response to your messages/questions be related to this? Do you think because you are ultra sensitive you might read too much into your MIL's actions/intentions? Could she be trying to actually help you by attending to your son? Have you asked her not to? It doesn't sound like she actually lives with you so maybe she thinks she is helping (the discussion about the role of grandparents of other cultures is on her somewhere)

You say you are setting boundaries but what have you set - or asked her to do/not do? What 'things' does she hold against you? and in what way does she hold it against you?

I do agree you need to enlist your husband's help but as far as discussing things with his mum? I think a LOT of people do that t.b.h. It all depends to what extent he is discussing. You say you have had a tough year since your son was born and maybe your DH doesn't know which way to handle you/it? Hormones in women can be very confusing to men!

Remember also, a relationship works two ways and in your post you don't sound like you like HER very much so if she is picking up on this, she will graviate towards her son (not saying you do, but its a possibility)

Don't forget your MIL will be feeling the loss of her husband too and possibly feels a bit lost if she doesn't have any friends.

Perhaps if you look at you first and try to reach some sort of compromise with her, your relationship will improve. When she is there, make use of her looking after your son. Use the time to do whatever you want to do be it a long leisurely bath, a date night with hubby or a trip to the shops. Or you could arrange for a day/night out just with her to whatever she may be interested in? Perhaps encourage her to join some groups, (others know about groups U3A etc)

I do hope it all works out for you all.

As mumsnet would say, you have a DH problem if he is not sorting out this behaviour from his mother, and he is also adding to it with his sharing of private matters with her. That is what you have to tackle first.