I’m so worried about my 30 year old daughter

I'm not sure that you sitting and crying about your daughter's situation is very helpful to her. I understand you are worried about her but she has enough to deal with without having to worry about your devastation. With the right support she will get over this.
To be honest with you, it is quite possible that it is not all over yet with her ex. It may well be that he is experiencing great pressure and guilt over the end of his marriage along with the effect on his child. Men can often feel dispirited in these situations and feel they have to tow the line. Years ago I was in a similar situation and after a brilliant New Year's Eve my boyfriend finished the relationship on New Year's Day because of the pressure he was getting from his ex wife. I was devastated at the time but it wasn't over until several break ups more. That wasn't over his ex-wife but because I realised he wasn't worth the trouble!
You have to give your daughter time to grieve and then gradually help her to rebuild her life. In time she should look at this as a new beginning in her life, look at her options and seize any opportunities with both hands.

Have you ever heard of The Rules - supposedly about finding Mr Right. BUT it is actually about how to live a happy life and not get your heart broken. I wish it had existed (or I'd had a canny Ma) years ago. Anyway, after a suitable period of sadness (really as short as poss) - you need to take a step back - better for you both. And she has to learn that she is FAR TOO GOOD to be messed about by this excuse for a man. It actually is better to be solo and happy than linked to a man who is neither committed nor caring. When opportunities for women were few, we had to put up with this. Not now, not for someone who is clearly very employable. - Sorry to be blunt, I do know how these things can really damage you. Strength to you both.

So many of us have suffered a similar pain Cathy It is early days and time does heal but it might not hurt to get her out of herself. Have a girly night out at a show? . I realise you have no magic cure but it can't hurt her any more to remind her how much she is loved and that there are other fish in the sea
As for being 30 - that is so young nowadays and at least she doesn't have a child by this person horrible man.

If you fear she is suicidal, she needs to see a competent counselor ASAP.

Any councelor who claims that councelling is the appropriate route to deal with acute mental health crisis like suicidal intent is one to avoid!

A rule I have always stuck to for myself is "never go back" People don't change that much - if a relationship failed the first time around it won't be any better the second. One time I tried going back to live in a place I used to like, and hated it when I went back. Never go back! My sympathies to your daughter, she found out the hard way. Tell her it's a lesson learnt and things will gradually get better from now on. Hope her depression lifts!

As a mother, I understand your anguish. What you're daughter is going through happens to a lot of people, but some are better at handling it. Nonetheless, emotional heartbreak is cruel at any age and harder to get over for some. Self esteem plays a very big part as well and depression is another big factor.

If you fear she is suicidal, she needs to see a competent counselor ASAP. You are absolutely right in not wanting to leave her alone in such a vulnerable state. The average person is not equipped to treat depression or to avert suicide should that be the case.

A similar thing happened with my 30 year old daughter last Christmas, she was in a toxic relationship, although she couldn't see that at the time. Things came to a head when she discovered her partner was cheating on her so she walked out.
She came to stay with me, and last Christmas was truly awful, she wouldn't engage with anything or anyone, even her brother and sister she was so terribly depressed.
It has taken 12 months for her to start to feel like a better version of her old self again (her own words).
As others have said it does take time and it might be a good idea as someone suggested to ask her if she feels suicidal. If she does and is not willing to seek medical help or talk to you about her feelings, try to encourage her to contact the Samaritans, by phone, email or text. She may feel better talking to a stranger in a safe environment.
Please also look after yourself and your own emotional well being.

Cathy I know exactly how you feel. My daughter went through a similar breakup, although it was her decision to kick him out they lived together for 5 years. For a about a year she was very very sad. I remember sitting on St Pancras station in tears as I could not help her. She was angry with me and at the world in general.
She gradually picked up the pieces and 10 years later has been happily married for 3 years.
You are lucky your daughter is around - mine was 100 miles away living alone and I daren't check up on her too often as she got angry.

Beanie654321 I think you may have posted on the wrong thread.

It is so sad that this is happening and a small child being subjected to it. You must be careful if your daughter is vulnerable. Obvious her partners family knew about this affair and may be feeling guilty or prefer this other person. I feel that once cheated on a partner they are more likely to do it again and he did get away with it for a long time, does he really know what love and commitment is? I guess maybe no. It's a mess but unless your daughter can stick up for herself and sort it out she should leave. Yes I've been there as a parent and I watched my daughter change over night and stick up for herself, shes now married to a wonderful man who loves her for who she is. Thank goodness no children in first marriage. Stick by your daughter and if there ever comes a time to speak out do it in a clear and concise way, but ultimately the decision has to be your daughters. Good luck. X

30 is no age these days. She can turn her life around and you will be able to support her with that. Leave her to come to her own decisions initially and then support her along the way. There are always ways forward even if they’re hard and you can remind her of that. You won’t be able to be there every moment but you can be strong for her. Don’t let her see you crying all the time but be alongside her when she cries herself. This is parenting, it’s hard and painful at times. Best wishes to you both.

Christmas and New Year is a difficult time anyway, potentially, when all and sundry are (playing) happy families, when in truth no one has the 'family' that we see in the M and S and tescos adverts...

Can you reframe this in your head for yourself. 30 years old is still young (I didn't have my DD until I was 40).

Can you stress the positive, how lovely it is that you both get to spend time together? Her two gay friends sound nice too. Can you invite them round to dinner, or suggest something to do together at New Year. I'm sure they will help things along...well done for posting here, and please remember Chrsitmas and New Year are potentially difficult times emotionally....just go easy on yourselves eh?

I so remember grieving that badly 30 yrs ago for an ex I thought was the love of my life too. I ceased caring about him many years ago but I did grieve for about 6 months or so. Allow her to grieve for 6 months or so, then help her pick herself up. Has she thought about fostering? There are plenty of single foster parents. She might feel a decade behind her friends but maybe her life is going to take a different path. An important way to tell if someone is suicidal is to ask & look for any concrete plans she may have made, but many people go through grief and come out stronger and wiser it just doesn't feel like that at the time. You could encourage her to go to her GP, antidepressants do help & are not a sign of weakness. Its lovely that she has such a caring mum, blessings to you both

My son went through a similar experience at 30 and was very depressed. I was so scared he would harm himself. I tried to help and stay positive when he said that life was sh!# and that there's no point to it all, etc.! Finally, in frustration, I just said something like, "OK, you're right, life can be an ocean full of sh!#, but we're all stuck in the same boat navigating through it together so all we can do is love and support one-another along the way".

For some reason that seemed to resonate with him, probably because I stopped trying to get him to cheer up and sort of agreed with his point of view. He also knew I'd come out the other end of my own hurt when his dad left so that was probably part of it.

He just got married in June and he used that story in his wedding vows to say how glad he was to be partnered with her in life's journey. (He's a writer so he was much more eloquent ;). I think that was the best day of my life so far and I just love my new DiL! I truly empathize with you, Cathypeterson. As Urmstongran quotes, ‘You can only be as happy as your unhappiest child’. You sound like a loving mom. I hope she gets through the worst of it soon.

The pain of rejection is acute and dreadful and that is the place she is in at the moment. It will pass.

All you can do is to be there for her.

If you think her suicidal thoughts are of serious concern then do get professional help for her if she will let you.

Encourage her to ring the Samaritans - they will just listen. They dug me out of a deep pit on one occasion and I will be forever grateful for that.

It is so hard for you to be witness to your DD's sadness, and I know how helpless you must feel.

Oh, and as for what you can do: be there for her. Be present. Listen. Be her friend. Let her know your undying and unconditional love for her. That's all anybody really wants from their mother. She'll get strength from that.

Hmmm. I'm 34 and have just had a daughter with my husband. Before meeting him I was so down. And for various reasons, I still feel down at times.

She does need to wallow and be sad and mourn this relationship. Then she needs to find a job and hopefully a new partner and settle down if that's what she wants. I hope she gets what she wants.

She is lucky to have a great mom like you. You should be proud that you can support and love her.

I would ask if she's suicidal. If so, get her professional help and anti depressants and therapy.

I hope she doesn't get stuck.

Movement will get her unstuck in many cases. She needs to get outside and get imvolved in groups, hobbies and the community. Meeting new people can be easy if she's "out there". Internet dating or a professional matchmaker may be in order. Please update as things hopefully get better.

I feel for her. That guy sounds a bit heartless....I hope she ends up choosing a winner next time..

I do understand why you feel so worried about your daughter. I would feel just as you do. However, after only a few days, it is natural that she feels hopeless and depressed. Anyone who has experienced a painful relationship break up will have felt devastated and alone but hopefully in time it will pass.

I don't think I can add anything useful to the comments that others have given. I would say, though, that even in the most desperate situations people often manage to pick themselves up and gradually start enjoying life again. The daughter of a friend of my Mum's suffered a severe mental breakdown after various personal and professional crises. She returned to live with her Mum, who one day confided to me, when she was very distraught, that she didn't think her daughter would ever recover. She had been out of work for some time and was profoundly depressed and feeling hopeless about her life. However, when I met her some time later she had got herself a job and seemed reasonably contented.

I really do hope things get better for your daughter. I'm not sure there's much you can do at this early stage other than listen to her and be there for her - which, of course, you are already doing.

‘You can only be as happy as your unhappiest child’.

I read that years ago and I’m a softie so it resonated with me. No wonder you’ve spent Christmas crying Cathy.

Your girl is hurting. She feels a failure (she isn’t but her perception of herself is skewed).

Time is a great healer. Being outside in the fresh air helps too.

All you can do is give her a big hug. Tell her you understand her anxiety (NY + no job must feel frightening when you factor in + being dumped on Christmas Day, the shit).

If you are so worried about the fact she might take her life because she is so low, whilst you are at work, then turn and face your demons. Ask her if she has suicidal thoughts. Sit down both of you with a cuppa and really listen to what your girl is saying. Remember Samaritans might help. Or the doctor is open tomorrow and Tuesday if she needs to get started on AD’s.

As said upthread, she had a well paid job before. She WILL get another. She took a punt and it didn’t pan out. She is NOT a failure for trying. She was brave.

Please remind her, she will find love once she is settled in a job again and not even looking for it as it WILL find her! Happy people who are relaxed and not needy are very attractive to others.
?

Wishing you BOTH all the best going forward. x

Having a family is NOT the be all and end all. Statements like yours would make her feel even worse imo
Im not smugly telling her
Im telling her mum, to show her that her DD has gumption and get up and go, otherwise she would never have up sticks and tried!
And if she has it in her to be brave and give things a go then, then she will give things a go again in the future, ONCE she has licked her wounds!

The fact is it didn't work out and now the daughter is feeling worthless!

It only happened a few days ago!
Feeling dejected about while its raw is is not unhealthy a character flaw.

Notanan" Nobody is saying daughter was wrong for deciding to put love first...not that I can see anyway?

The fact is it didn't work out and now the daughter is feeling worthless!

Having a family is NOT the be all and end all. Statements like yours would make her feel even worse imo

For women, people praise you for going after what you want if what you want is a career etc

But if what you go after is a chance of love and family you are considered less independant and weak!

I really dont think there was anything wrong with her deciding to put love first and give it a real go.

Had it turned out differently we would be congratulating her/them!

Having a family of my own mattered more to me than career. At one point I turned down an opportunity for the sake of settling down and was at the time criticised for it! I had my girls soon after and dont regret it at all. I caught up on my career when thr girls went to school.

I wasnt putting a man first I was putting myself first! I was bored of swat singleton career woman life had to offer and wanted a family of my own.

The only difference is I wasnt dumped!

Oh gawd...feel it for you Cathy. You worry about your children ...for ever!

The problem is far too complicated for you or anyone on here to sort out.

Your daughter is penning too much of her happiness on being with a man/partner. She feels if she isn't a 'couple' at her age then her life isn't worth living. Of Course, WE all know that is ridiculous but for her it is real. IF her main concern is being a mum above being happy in her life then she will have problems - unfortunately. Maybe she feels YOU think this is the ultimate goal in life? It isn't!

She needs professional help and quickly. She needs to understand that nobody else defines her or brings her happiness that it comes from within.

She is obviously well capable of holding down a good job. Encourage her to think about what job she would like to do? Forget about partners. What job would bring her the most satisfaction? Once she is happy in herself doing what she is doing...she will turn the corner.

I think many of us know the absolute crucifying feeling of unrequited love? I certainly do. Seems you don't want to live - very few follow through with the love of family behind them. Hope it works out.